The Best Leaders are Learners

Article submitted by Lindiwe S. Lester, M.Ed., Ed.S.

The well-worn phrase “lifelong learner” is no joke when it comes to leaders operating in today’s quickly changing business landscape. Remember, leaders at every level, including managers, wield significant influence that can impact multiple levels of the organization. This means YOU are either maximizing or thwarting both business and staff performance (and satisfaction).

The best leaders realize the effect their leadership has on both departments and people; so they make it a priority to carve out time to keep honing their skills, i.e., remain in a growthmode.

Consider these two recently published data points: Only 10% of leaders have a learning plan and most people lack 20-40% of the skills needed to perform their jobs.[1]

People tend to get promoted into higher roles based on their successful performance in a previous role. How do they thoughtfully assess the new skills and requisite competencies for their new role?

Then we have those who are tenured in their roles. They ought to be considering, “Since I’ve been in this role for years, I need to figure out what this role requires of me today.”

The best leaders are learners. Lack of time is not an excuse when success in your esteemed role is critically important. Age or years on the job doesn’t mean learning and development stop, especially in a changing environment where the complex issues will likely challenge your current capabilities.

Coaching, leader development, and leader learning plans are proven tactics for those who desire to have greater currency, relevance, and authenticity as high-performing leaders.

Consider these questions: What are you reading this month? Who is providing you with genuine coaching and feedback? How are you uncovering blind spots that others see and are impacted by? How are you engaging your strengths in new and important ways? Where does your learning journey begin?

[1] Zenger Folkman, Bringing Science to the Art of Coaching, 2014 and HBR Ulrik Christensen, 9/29/2017

Why show empathy, anyway?

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

We hear a lot about the need for empathy. Empathy is that ability to sense others’ feelings and to take an active interest in their perspective and concerns. People who are good at this listen for the unspoken emotions in a conversation. They are attentive to a wide range of emotional signals which clue them in to being sensitive to understanding what the other person really wants and needs.

“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view — as well as your own.” — Henry Ford

Those who struggle with empathy — and this may be you — have a hard time reading people and picking up on what they are thinking and feeling. They tend to be literal in hearing only the words which someone says and don’t know how to decipher the other communication that is going on through facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. People with low empathy tend to stereotype others based upon outward appearances and show little deference to others’ opinions and ways of thinking. An unempathetic person can come across indifferent and uncaring.

Why does this matter in the workplace? A Gallup study done in 2015 reported that about 50% of the 7,200 adults surveyed left a job “to get away from their manager.” The study also found that employees whose bosses communicated with them directly and regularly (up to 3 times per week) — not just about work issues but who took an interest in their personal lives — felt more enthusiastic and dedicated to their work. But a lack of empathy — a boss that doesn’t show that he/she cares — can result in company money down the drain. In an article by Suzanne Lucas in CBS News’ Moneywatch (November 21, 2012), she wrote, “For all jobs earning less than $50,000 per year, or more than 40 percent of U.S. jobs, the average cost of replacing an employee amounts to fully 20 percent of the person’s annual salary.” She also shared that in lower-paying jobs (under $30k), the cost to lose an employee is only 16% of their salary — but still. Those dollars add up.

And what about outside of the workplace? “Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.” In his book Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman writes: “Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else’s perspective and strengths the more we see things from their point of view. The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance.” (Social Intelligence, Goleman, p. 110)

“Relationships often suffer because people get so caught up in their own experience that they simply can’t relate to what someone else is going through. They assert their opinions and hand out advice – all the while not truly appreciating the other person’s struggles.” – Leslie Becker -Phelps, Ph.D.

People with empathy are able to show a sensitivity to what the other person is going through and take action to help make the situation more tolerable for that person. Empathy truly is one of the ways we can begin to connect deeply with others.

I know it all sounds good. We should be more empathetic. But showing empathy is easier for some than others. If you come up on the short stick of empathy, do you just shrug and say, “Oh well. I’m no good at that.”? Empathy is a competency of emotional intelligence, specifically, social intelligence, the ability to discern others’ emotions in the moment and respond accordingly. Empathy is a behavior, and the good news for those of us who struggle with it, behavior can be changed. If you are self-aware enough to realize you may not be the most empathetic person, here are some developmental tips you can try to begin to make a shift in a new direction:

  • Listen. Becoming a good listener is the foundation. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really tune in to what the other person is saying — and not saying.
  • Ask questions to clarify meaning. Sure, you heard what you think you heard, but asking a few questions not only shows the other person you are interested in learning more but provides clarity to truly understanding what they are trying to express.
  • Put down that phone. When someone’s talking, it’s easy to be distracted by other things going on around you. Let’s be honest, people don’t always pick the most opportune times to walk into your office to talk. Show them respect by putting away distractions while they’re speaking — put down your cell phone (and turn it over so you’re not tempted by the screen or even better, turn it off), close your laptop, and make eye contact as they speak.
  • Tune into the emotions behind the words. Sometimes what the person across from you is really looking for in a conversation is masked behind their words. Listen deeply to find the real meaning behind what is coming out of their mouths.
  • Suspend judgement. You may possess the gift of keen discernment and have that ability to pick up on the subtle nuances of what someone is trying to communicate, but with that can come the ability to pass judgement too quickly. Catch yourself if you are quick to criticize or dismiss the opinions of others. Often the other perspective can offer you fresh insights which you may not have been able to come up with yourself.

Though growing in empathy can take some work, your efforts can lead you down the path of healthier, happier relationships, both at home and at the office. If you feel you need some help, consider employing a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you on the journey.

“Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.” — John MacNaughton

Upcoming Online Course – The Resilient Leader: Instilling Grit

Businessman Weathering The Storm

Class dates: Thursdays, April 12 – May 17, 2018

Class time: 12-1pm ET, 10-11am MT

Cost: $795

Class meets once a week for 6 weeks

Grit, or resiliency, is a competency of emotional intelligence based upon one’s passion for a long-term goal that’s coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve that objective, despite setbacks, barriers or limited resources. It’s that ability to bounce back well when things don’t go the way we hope. It’s the courage and resolve to tackle what we set out to accomplish. And the truth is, some people have it — and some people don’t.

Grit proves to be a valuable skill in the professional world as we navigate the challenges that come with running a business, meeting deadlines, and reaching quotas. And no one can disagrees that grit is required to keep our personal relationships in good health. The good news is that grit can be learned and taught.

Participants receive an online workbook and 6 recertification credits from the ICF or HRCI.

The Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence® | |

Do you play well with others?

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

“This job would be easier if people weren’t involved.”

It’s one of my favorite tongue-in-cheek sayings.  While true, as most of our conflict comes from interactions with others (though we all do struggle with self-conflict from time to time), most of us wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for those around us — peers, colleagues, supervisors, employees, customers, clients are a vital part of any business. But working collaboratively with others can be difficult, frustrating, and downright annoying at times.

At some point in most relationships, conflict is going to happen whenever there is more than one person in the room. And our conflict management skills, which are a competency of strong emotional intelligence, are what can make the difference between frustrating, unresolved disagreements or enabling conversations where all parties can pursue the best possible solutions.

We all have a role when it comes to conflict, whether we are the vocal one who loses our temper or the quiet doormat that stays silent.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”  — Wayne Dyer

It’s no monkey business:  learning how to navigate conflict can increase our sense of well-being and job satisfaction and contributes greatly to the quality of relationships both at work and at home.

How well do you play with others?

Ask yourself the following questions and see how many you can answer yes to:

  • I can see potential conflict before it arises and help de-escalate the situation.
  • I can handle difficult people with tact.
  • I can lay down my own expectations and be open to hearing the perspectives of others.
  • I can manage tense situations with diplomacy.
  • I can create a safe space for all parties to share their perspectives.
  • I can help all parties involved understand the other perspectives in the room.
  • I can hear diverse opinions and find a common ideal.
  • I can orchestrate win-win solutions.

Five Conflict Styles and when to use them

We all have our own ‘style’ when it comes to conflict resolve, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grow and learn other approaches that may better serve us and the situation at hand. In 1974, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilman created the Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, which identifies five styles of conflict. There are situations that arise when some styles work better than others. Here is a quick guide:

1-Competitive/Controlling – A quick and decisive action is needed (vital in emergency situations), or the other party would take advantage of cooperation on your part.

2-Collaborating – The issues (and/or relationship) are too important to be compromised and the objective is to integrate differing viewpoints.

3-Avoiding – There are more important things to tackle, there is no chance of achieving your objectives, the parties need time to “cool down” or take time to gather more data.

4-Accommodating – You realize you are wrong, or understand that the issues at hand are more important to the other person and/or you need to build ‘credits’ with that person.

5-Compromising – It’s too risky to be too controlling, both parties are committed to mutually exclusive goals, you need a quick or temporary solution under time constraints.

Time for a Shift

How do you know when it’s time to shift your approach to conflict resolve? Simply put, when your approach is not working.  Losing friends left and right? Colleagues can’t stand you? Coworkers shut down and won’t share their perspective with you? Feel agitated and stressed when conflict is discussed? People walk all over you in meetings?  You are the only one talking in meetings? You get what you want but no one is alongside you to enjoy it?  If you find yourself in a confusing or disturbing conflict, try asking yourself these honest questions:

  • How was my behavior received by others?
  • How did I feel during the conflict?
  • How much do I care about the outcome?
  • What were my expectations of the situation and did they match up with reality?
  • What judgments did I make about the others during the conflict and were they accurate?
  • What did I want to see happen? What did they want to see happen?
  • What is my investment into this situation? What is theirs?
  • Am I acting in an old pattern of behavior that no longer serves me?
  • What can I say/do going forward to optimize the outcome?

Which of the five conflict resolve styles is your primary ‘go-to’ when faced with conflict?  Does it serve you well in all situations or could you stand to develop a new approach? If you struggle in the area of conflict resolve, good news! Behaviors in conflict resolve are learned and can be changed. Finding a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to make behavior shifts can be a great place to start.

“When team members trust each other and know that everyone is capable of admitting when they’re wrong, then conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth or the best possible answer.” —  Patrick Lencioni

Become a certified Social + Emotional Intelligence Coach

Our next online course starts Wednesday, March 7th! And this month only, register and bring a colleague for free!

Our 12-hour online Coach Certification Course will help grow your coaching business by adding to your expertise the unique niche of social + emotional intelligence (S+EI) coaching. The course certifies participants to coach S+EI, administer the Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile (SEIP)®, (both the self and 360 versions) and includes a 200+ page coaching toolkit, 10 free SEIPs®, and 12 recertification credits from the ICF, HRCI, or SHRM. Learning to help others increase their S+EI so they can be freed up to live happier, healthier lives is a gift you’ll use the rest of your life! Your investment: $1799.

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Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence® | 303-325-5176 | info

Emotional Intelligence in the Age of Robots

Article submitted by guest author Joni Roylance.

There is an interesting shift in our world occurring right now. It is the kind of shift that rubs elbows with the invention of electricity, the television, the internet, and even the cell phone. In other words, this moment in time will be one that those of us alive to witness will have to explain what life used to be like to those who come after us.

We are in the Fourth Industrial Revolution, or, put more simply, a technological upheaval at such speed and scale that it is going to change the way we work, the way we live and how (and who/what) we connect with in a truly dramatic fashion.

So, what role does Emotional Intelligence play in a world that is increasingly automated and artificially intelligent?

The real answer is no one knows for sure—not Google, not Amazon or Microsoft, not any organization that is truly honest about how new and rapidly evolving these technologies are. Researchers are just barely completing studies that reveal insights about the impact of screens on human development and social behaviors. Most experts don’t even agree on the definition of intelligence yet!

However, there are some known factors that should be considered, and as much as we should be asking ourselves about what the technology can and can’t or should and shouldn’t do, we simultaneously need to think critically about what those capabilities, duties and applications mean for humans, and how we can prepare now for the new realities of what it means to work and be human in the age of robots.

The reality of the future of work is the skills that will be needed most are those that a machine or software or algorithm simply cannot perform—they are emotional and relational in nature[1]. That’s good news for most of us—especially those of us already attuned to the value and impact of EQ. Unfortunately that awareness is not widespread and we’re becoming increasingly bad at EQ thanks to our preference for digital over live connection. In fact, “face to face interaction has dropped to third behind texting and IM/FB messaging in the so called ‘iGeneration,’ or those born from 1990-1999”[2]  and as a result, “ ‘digital natives’ […] are already having a harder time reading social cues.”[3] So, as practitioners, the time is now to up our game in creating tools and trainings and promoting awareness of the value proposition of Emotional Intelligence and its vital role to the next era of humanity and work.

Here are three ways in which EQ is going to be more fully utilized in the AI revolution (at least at present):

  1. Handling Complex Emotional Scenarios
    1. Chatbots are one of the most popular entrees into Cognitive Solutions. They are cheap, can be built and launched in a matter of weeks, and they can relieve humans of repetitive, mundane work (on a 24/7 basis, no less). A popular application of these tools is to leverage them to service basic customer questions or needs. This is a fantastic and preferred solution for basic questions and inquiries. However, research shows when a customer is truly dissatisfied or upset with their experience, their preferred channel for resolution is to connect with a human[4], presumably because a human can actively listen to their problem, empathize, and find the fastest path to the best solution. At least at present, even if a robot employs affective computing[5] techniques, humans do not yet believe a chatbot can fundamentally understand or relate to human problems, so escalated service issues are still best handled by flesh and bones, and EQ.
  2. Designing Loveable Cognitive Experiences
    1. Humans of today are impatient. We are an instant gratification culture and our digital prowess and global access make us pretty intolerant of less than ideal experiences. In the world of adopting cognitive technologies, like a chatbot, we are no more patient. In fact, when a bot doesn’t do what we expect it to, we generally give up on the thing within 1-3 attempts. Similarly, about 80-90% of downloaded apps are deleted after one engagement[6]. This is the case for applying experience design to the development, build and deployment of cognitive tools. It is only through subjective, qualitative human insights that experiences can be enhanced from functional to delightful, from perfunctory to memorable. Connecting with humans to collect such valuable data is a human activity, requiring the ability to be curious, creative and contextually aware.
  3. Securing Human Trust
    1. Lastly, humans are not rational beings. Even when given research and facts that tell us a right answer—we will “go with our gut” or ignore logical conclusions and make emotion-based decisions (even when we think we are being logical)[7]. The same will be true for technology—especially in high stakes scenarios. I do not care how fool proof a medical algorithm is—if it says that my child is unlikely to live through, say a cancer diagnosis—I absolutely do not care how fact-based or research backed that algorithm is. I would never give up on faith and hope that my daughter could beat the computer, and I would expect medical staff to act the same. When the stakes are high, even when machines are more reliably right, humans are not likely to believe them, even though logically they are more reliable (which is not to say without a margin of error). So, if you want to deploy cognitive tools in a space such as hiring, where there are sensitivities around hiring bias and diversity, it will still be expected that somewhere in the process, a human is validating or quality checking the decisions of the tools, with an increasing demand for what is known as “Explainable AI.”[8]

So the good news is, there is still plenty of work for humans to do. The opportunity is, as you surely know, the existing lack of awareness and strong skill base among the workplace regarding core Emotional Intelligence Competencies—skills that were valuable ten years ago, but are imperative for the next ten years.










Positive Psychology Interventions ~ Your Fun, Life-Altering Positivity Strategies

Article contributed by Dr. Judy Krings

Do you like to celebrate positive experiences, dates, and events?

Are you a romantic like me, or do these occasions feel like just another day? Or perhaps you take more pleasure in future visioning?

I think of remembering any positive event in my life as “positive emotion-memory-worthy.” You don’t need to or have to, but it’s fun. This suggestion is not the call for you to modify your attitudes or behaviors, if you don’t choose to. But perhaps take a pause and consider “looking for the good or what is right about your life.” Past, present and future. Heck that’s a PPI right there!



My favorite PPI is to notice and savor all the 10 Positive Emotions (PE’s) in my life. Sometimes I choose one PE a week, and sometimes I look for all ten in one day to challenge myself. Great pleasure! To refresh your memory, here are the ten PE’s: Joy, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Awe, Amusement, Hope, Pride, Inspiration, and the culmination of them all, Love.

Sometimes this means celebrating holidays with a new awareness. For me it is often recalling a happy memory of my mom and the rest of my family. Or my last dog, Rocky. Or planning for some fun in the future with friends. PE’s blow up my balloon of life positivity, So do Positive Psychology Interventions (PEI’s).

What are Positive Psychology Interventions?

They are activities or exercises that have been shown scientifically to increase your Positive Emotions. They also strengthen your feelings of well-being, improve your health and your life satisfaction. More good news? There are tons of them! What makes PPI’s important is they are not self-help mumbo-jumbo. They have been tested and are evidence-based. That is, we know they work scientifically.

It is important to note that different PPI’s work for some better than others. How cool and fun to discover the ones that really help you thrive. Also interesting to note: TIME. Some folks are like me and love to use the intervention of “Positive Reminiscence.” That is, we are sentimental and love to take joy in our photography and our PAST experience. Some folks like to focus on the NOW and bask in the PPI’s of the moment. Others love to feel PPI’s as they look to the FUTURE, like planning a super vacation.

As I began to type this blog, me, the romantic, remembered the day this blog will be posted is February 20th. This happens to be Ken’s and my 29th anniversary. I am choosing to close my eyes and savor that sunny day we were married in French Polynesia. It was the grandest happy day of my life. Beautiful, meaningful, and our gratitude soared.



It is sad for me say my son Sean’s birth was not my happiest day. I wanted it to be and planned for it to be. Alas, cognitively it was surreal, but the rest of my body was not offered the opportunity to share my heady enthusiasm. Due to complications, I had a c-section, and I was knocked out with a general anesthetic. I was sicker than a dog when I awoke. I thought the nausea and bowel obstruction pains would never end.

I awoke to no baby and was scared to death. Finally a nurse came in to my room, me in panic. “Where was my baby?” dismayed me blurted out. I had been too sick and out of it to have him in my room. I remember being thrilled to the heavens when I finally got to see and hold him. To count his fingers and toes and to see the double crown on his head and the shape of his hands. I knew then he was ours. Joyful and grateful and blissful, yes, positive emotions finally surfaced. And great meaning, of course. Memorable PE’s to the big time. All-encompassing LOVE, especially because three doctors in three countries told me I would never be able to have children. He was conceived on Valentine’s Day, too! So there!!! Euphoria for me and life at its most glorious…but PE’s a tad after the fact.

But I digress. (And it was Joyful!). Positive Psychology researcher, Sonja Lyubomirsky, has reported five criteria to help you understand Positive Psychology Interventions.

I’ll list the three positive ones first:

  1. Does it feel like a natural fit for you to do?
  2. Is enjoyment a by-product when you do the activity?
  3. Do you value doing it and/or do the results produce PE’s?

Here are the ones that might PROHIBIT or LIMIT your experiencing Positive Emotions from your Positive Psychology Interventions. Why? Because feeling guilty or pressured by something external factors/demands decreases PE’s.

They are:

  1. Would you have negative emotions like GUILT if you did NOT do the activity?
  2. Can you identify SITUATIONAL or EXTERNAL pressures/factors that motivate you to do something? (Rather than your own desire).

Need some Positive Psychology Intervention examples to jack up your ten Positive Emotions??

  1. Revisit your 24 character strengths. See which ones engender well-being and flourishing the most. Post them somewhere you can see them daily.
  2. Use a strength in a different way. Try a new restaurant. Make a new recipe. Or take a different path to work. Not something you usually do. Be novel!
  3. Watch a different TV channel to spark your love of learning or curiosity.
  4. Take photos of something new. Or look at how you take photos of what you like and try different angles.(Love this one!)
  5. Watch a fascinating YouTube video on a new topic.
  6. Research and listen to a different kind of music without judgement.
  7. Go shopping at a new store on online shopping site.

More interesting facts about PPI’s and some caveats:

  1. It is of utmost importance to do the activity that fits with what you LIKE or VALUE. Keep it new!
  2. The more you do an activity over time, the better the positivity effects. Note, however, that forcing yourself to write a gratitude journal every night for several weeks may cause habituation. That is, the PPI’s no longer have the power of producing well-being. if writing becomes a chore, change your PPI activity.
  3. You need to want to do it and find pleasure in doing it.
  4. Variety is imperative.
  5. If you especially enjoy a new PPI activity, that is great. Why? Implementing a PPI over an extended time period makes the PPI positivity benefits last longer. More bang for your happiness and well-being buck!
  6. Be specific. Gratitude is a great example. Being grateful for your life may not be as powerful as being grateful for your daughter drawing you a beautiful picture or your mom bringing you over a pot roast for dinner. Talking note of the little things in life matters!
  7. Mindfulness is important. Focus on your PPI activity and you will stretch your PE advantage..
  8. Choose to be proud of yourself. PRIDE is a Positive Emotion!

PE’s and PPI’s. Fun learning and well-being in a nutshell.

To cement learning, write down your PE’s and PPI’s for a week or two. Make that powerful glow of positivity shine the light longer within you!

Free 1-hour webinar on emotional intelligence

Join us for an interactive hour of insight into social + emotional intelligence–its relevance to well-being, impact on company bottom line, and how you can grow your coaching practice by adding the unique of S+EI coaching to your toolkit.

 Thursday, March 1, 2018

3-4 pm Eastern Time (USA)

The first 20 to register will receive a free Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile (SEIP)®, one of the most statistically-reliable S+EI assessments on the market today!

Even if you can’t attend this live session, please go ahead and register and we’ll send you the link to the recording after the webinar.


L-O-V-E: How to make it last

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

L, is for the way you look, at me
O, is for the only one, I see
V, is very very, extraordinary, and
E, is even more than anyone that you adore…

Most likely you’re familiar with the jaunty 1965 Nat King Cole song. It’s been the theme music in romantic comedies and played on radio stations for generations. It so very well describes the giddy, elevated feeling we experience when falling in love. Whether it be in a romantic relationship, a business partnership, a friendship, a new work team, or a new job — the sparkling freshness at the beginning of a relationship can send you down the hallways dancing and humming. But it’s not long after the wear and tear of life sets in that those feelings can quickly turn to disillusion and discouragement.  We’ve all experienced it. What starts out as the opportunity of a lifetime turns into the ball and chain around our necks, similar to how that new car smell is so quickly replaced by the odorous aroma of abandoned fast food wrappers left lying on the floor. Falling in love doesn’t seem to be the issue. Staying in love is another story.

How do we prevent the adversities of life from ruining our relationships? Jack Canfield, an American author and motivational speaker, says this:

“Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them.” 

Research shows that people who are able to maintain a positive mindset have better relationships. Robert Ackerman, researcher at the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences (University of Texas), worked with middle school students to assess how well they resolved conflict with their parents, and videotaped the subjects for over 17 years. With nearly 20 years of data at his fingertips, he discovered that kids who grew up with loving, supporting parents, exercising positive communication and warmth, were more likely to experience adult romantic relationships that were positive.* To quote Ackerman:

“I think that studying more positive behaviors is important because it may shed more insight on how to better enhance romantic relationships.” 

How is your positivity–or lack of–affecting your relationships?  If you struggle with letting negativity get a hold of you when life gets tough, here are a few things you could being to look at:

  • What are your core beliefs about adversity?  Do you see it as fate or something you can control?  Do you see suffering as part of being human or a result of particular actions?  Do you see setbacks as having long-term effects or are they short-lived?
  • Start listening to your self-talk when adversity strikes. Do you tend to go to an “I can do this” place or a “I’m doomed” place?
  • Ask an honest question:  is there anything about the drama that accompanies adversity that you enjoy?
  • Can you look back on past adversity and see that you overcame the obstacle and moved on, or are you still experiencing negative effects from that event to this day?

We all know it’s not about having a happy, trouble-free life that brings joy. It’s more about our ability to roll with the punches (resiliency) and allow the event(s) to shape us into better human beings. Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American artist and poet, put it this way:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

Finding a life coach to work with you to combat negative tendencies can be a good first step of heading down the road of positivity, which can lead to healthier, happier relationships.  Though it doesn’t happen overnight, behavior can be changed, and with some help you can begin to shift your focus from the negative to the positive.

Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you.

  • (2013. Study finds good marriages more likely for teens of happy homes. University of Texas at Dallas News Center (n.d.): n. pag. Web.

How does empathy (or a lack of) affect your love life?

Have you been in a relationship where your partner, in a particular moment, lacked empathy? Unfortunately, many of us know the scenario all too well.  You tell him about something you are struggling with, that thing that is frustrating you, and you just want him to hear you out and acknowledge that what you’re going through is hard. Instead, he puts on his Mister Fixit hat and gives you solutions and advice on how to change the situation, which leaves you feeling not understood. I think one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen on this subject is the one where the girlfriend literally has a nail sticking out of her forehead, and she’s trying to talk to her boyfriend about how painful her head feels, and how it aches, and throbs, and how some days it causes her great consternation, and he’s looking at her in disbelief – with this nail sticking out of her head – and is so wanting to point out to her that what she is feeling may be because of this nail —  but she just wants him to show her some empathy.  (Have a watch – and a laugh — CLICK HERE).

As difficult as it may be for some of us, empathy is one of the most influential factors in building a healthy relationship. And empathy is a key competence of emotional intelligence.

Merriam-Webster defines empathy as the capacity for understanding, being aware of, sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another –and reacting appropriately. ( Empathy is the capacity to know – emotionally – the feelings and experience of others, and being able to express or communicate our feelings of understanding. Empathy is an integral component of a healthy relationship. When people feel listened to and understood at a deep emotional level, and when that understanding is acknowledged or communicated, they feel affirmed and validated.

“Relationships often suffer because people get so caught up in their own experience that they simply can’t relate to what someone else is going through. They assert their opinions and hand out advice – all the while not truly appreciating the other person’s struggles.” – Leslie Becker -Phelps, Ph.D.

People who are empathetic:

  • are tuned-in to a wide range of emotional signals
  • listen for and sense the felt, but unspoken emotions of others
  • show sensitivity to others’ perspectives
  • will take appropriate actions based upon their understanding of others’ needs

In his book Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman outlines, “…the word “empathy” is used in three distinct senses:  knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress.” (Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, 2006, p. 58).

In other words, we notice others, feel what they are feeling, then act in a manner that helps them.

“Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.”

Also from Social Intelligence (p. 110), Goleman writes: “Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else’s perspective and strengths the more we see things from their point of view.  The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance. Two tightly looped people mesh minds, even smoothly finishing sentences for each other – a sign of a vibrant relationship that marital researchers call ‘high-intensity validation’.”

Maybe empathy is not one of your strongest qualities – you tend to problem-solve for others when really what they need is to be heard. But empathy, like many behaviors, can be learned and developed.

Here are a few things you can try:

  • Learn to listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next, and truly focus on what the other person is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. “Tell me more” is a great response when someone is trying to express their feelings to you.
  • Ask clarifying questions (without advice) so you truly understand what they are trying to tell you.
  • Develop sensitivity. Do you know the difference between behaviors that validate others and those that invalidate others? Diminishing, belittling, judging, or dismissing others and their feelings make others feel demoralized. Begin replacing invalidating, insensitive behaviors with sensitive behaviors.
  • Tune into hidden meanings. What is it he/she is really wanting, despite what they’re saying? (to be respected, to be included, to be acknowledged, etc.)
  • Learn to pick up on the emotions that accompany the other person’s statements.  Don’t just listen to the words, listen to the feelings that are being expressed.
  • Acknowledge what you think you’ve heard. Paraphrase, repeat back, and clarify the emotions you think you are hearing (i.e., “That must be really frustrating,” or ”Sounds like you’re pretty excited about this…”)
  • Withhold your judgments; when tempted to criticize or dismiss the opinions of another, stop. Step back and consider, on an emotional level as well as a cognitive level, what the other person may be experiencing and what merits another’s point of view may have.

“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view – as well as your own.” – Henry Ford


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