Do you play well with others?

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

“This job would be easier if people weren’t involved.”

It’s one of my favorite tongue-in-cheek sayings.  While true, as most of our conflict comes from interactions with others (though we all do struggle with self-conflict from time to time), most of us wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for those around us — peers, colleagues, supervisors, employees, customers, clients are a vital part of any business. But working collaboratively with others can be difficult, frustrating, and downright annoying at times.

At some point in most relationships, conflict is going to happen whenever there is more than one person in the room. And our conflict management skills, which are a competency of strong emotional intelligence, are what can make the difference between frustrating, unresolved disagreements or enabling conversations where all parties can pursue the best possible solutions.

We all have a role when it comes to conflict, whether we are the vocal one who loses our temper or the quiet doormat that stays silent.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”  — Wayne Dyer

It’s no monkey business:  learning how to navigate conflict can increase our sense of well-being and job satisfaction and contributes greatly to the quality of relationships both at work and at home.

How well do you play with others?

Ask yourself the following questions and see how many you can answer yes to:

  • I can see potential conflict before it arises and help de-escalate the situation.
  • I can handle difficult people with tact.
  • I can lay down my own expectations and be open to hearing the perspectives of others.
  • I can manage tense situations with diplomacy.
  • I can create a safe space for all parties to share their perspectives.
  • I can help all parties involved understand the other perspectives in the room.
  • I can hear diverse opinions and find a common ideal.
  • I can orchestrate win-win solutions.

Five Conflict Styles and when to use them

We all have our own ‘style’ when it comes to conflict resolve, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grow and learn other approaches that may better serve us and the situation at hand. In 1974, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilman created the Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, which identifies five styles of conflict. There are situations that arise when some styles work better than others. Here is a quick guide:

1-Competitive/Controlling – A quick and decisive action is needed (vital in emergency situations), or the other party would take advantage of cooperation on your part.

2-Collaborating – The issues (and/or relationship) are too important to be compromised and the objective is to integrate differing viewpoints.

3-Avoiding – There are more important things to tackle, there is no chance of achieving your objectives, the parties need time to “cool down” or take time to gather more data.

4-Accommodating – You realize you are wrong, or understand that the issues at hand are more important to the other person and/or you need to build ‘credits’ with that person.

5-Compromising – It’s too risky to be too controlling, both parties are committed to mutually exclusive goals, you need a quick or temporary solution under time constraints.

Time for a Shift

How do you know when it’s time to shift your approach to conflict resolve? Simply put, when your approach is not working.  Losing friends left and right? Colleagues can’t stand you? Coworkers shut down and won’t share their perspective with you? Feel agitated and stressed when conflict is discussed? People walk all over you in meetings?  You are the only one talking in meetings? You get what you want but no one is alongside you to enjoy it?  If you find yourself in a confusing or disturbing conflict, try asking yourself these honest questions:

  • How was my behavior received by others?
  • How did I feel during the conflict?
  • How much do I care about the outcome?
  • What were my expectations of the situation and did they match up with reality?
  • What judgments did I make about the others during the conflict and were they accurate?
  • What did I want to see happen? What did they want to see happen?
  • What is my investment into this situation? What is theirs?
  • Am I acting in an old pattern of behavior that no longer serves me?
  • What can I say/do going forward to optimize the outcome?

Which of the five conflict resolve styles is your primary ‘go-to’ when faced with conflict?  Does it serve you well in all situations or could you stand to develop a new approach? If you struggle in the area of conflict resolve, good news! Behaviors in conflict resolve are learned and can be changed. Finding a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to make behavior shifts can be a great place to start.

“When team members trust each other and know that everyone is capable of admitting when they’re wrong, then conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth or the best possible answer.” —  Patrick Lencioni

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Emotional Intelligence in the Age of Robots

Article submitted by guest author Joni Roylance.

There is an interesting shift in our world occurring right now. It is the kind of shift that rubs elbows with the invention of electricity, the television, the internet, and even the cell phone. In other words, this moment in time will be one that those of us alive to witness will have to explain what life used to be like to those who come after us.

We are in the Fourth Industrial Revolution, or, put more simply, a technological upheaval at such speed and scale that it is going to change the way we work, the way we live and how (and who/what) we connect with in a truly dramatic fashion.

So, what role does Emotional Intelligence play in a world that is increasingly automated and artificially intelligent?

The real answer is no one knows for sure—not Google, not Amazon or Microsoft, not any organization that is truly honest about how new and rapidly evolving these technologies are. Researchers are just barely completing studies that reveal insights about the impact of screens on human development and social behaviors. Most experts don’t even agree on the definition of intelligence yet!

However, there are some known factors that should be considered, and as much as we should be asking ourselves about what the technology can and can’t or should and shouldn’t do, we simultaneously need to think critically about what those capabilities, duties and applications mean for humans, and how we can prepare now for the new realities of what it means to work and be human in the age of robots.

The reality of the future of work is the skills that will be needed most are those that a machine or software or algorithm simply cannot perform—they are emotional and relational in nature[1]. That’s good news for most of us—especially those of us already attuned to the value and impact of EQ. Unfortunately that awareness is not widespread and we’re becoming increasingly bad at EQ thanks to our preference for digital over live connection. In fact, “face to face interaction has dropped to third behind texting and IM/FB messaging in the so called ‘iGeneration,’ or those born from 1990-1999”[2]  and as a result, “ ‘digital natives’ […] are already having a harder time reading social cues.”[3] So, as practitioners, the time is now to up our game in creating tools and trainings and promoting awareness of the value proposition of Emotional Intelligence and its vital role to the next era of humanity and work.

Here are three ways in which EQ is going to be more fully utilized in the AI revolution (at least at present):

  1. Handling Complex Emotional Scenarios
    1. Chatbots are one of the most popular entrees into Cognitive Solutions. They are cheap, can be built and launched in a matter of weeks, and they can relieve humans of repetitive, mundane work (on a 24/7 basis, no less). A popular application of these tools is to leverage them to service basic customer questions or needs. This is a fantastic and preferred solution for basic questions and inquiries. However, research shows when a customer is truly dissatisfied or upset with their experience, their preferred channel for resolution is to connect with a human[4], presumably because a human can actively listen to their problem, empathize, and find the fastest path to the best solution. At least at present, even if a robot employs affective computing[5] techniques, humans do not yet believe a chatbot can fundamentally understand or relate to human problems, so escalated service issues are still best handled by flesh and bones, and EQ.
  2. Designing Loveable Cognitive Experiences
    1. Humans of today are impatient. We are an instant gratification culture and our digital prowess and global access make us pretty intolerant of less than ideal experiences. In the world of adopting cognitive technologies, like a chatbot, we are no more patient. In fact, when a bot doesn’t do what we expect it to, we generally give up on the thing within 1-3 attempts. Similarly, about 80-90% of downloaded apps are deleted after one engagement[6]. This is the case for applying experience design to the development, build and deployment of cognitive tools. It is only through subjective, qualitative human insights that experiences can be enhanced from functional to delightful, from perfunctory to memorable. Connecting with humans to collect such valuable data is a human activity, requiring the ability to be curious, creative and contextually aware.
  3. Securing Human Trust
    1. Lastly, humans are not rational beings. Even when given research and facts that tell us a right answer—we will “go with our gut” or ignore logical conclusions and make emotion-based decisions (even when we think we are being logical)[7]. The same will be true for technology—especially in high stakes scenarios. I do not care how fool proof a medical algorithm is—if it says that my child is unlikely to live through, say a cancer diagnosis—I absolutely do not care how fact-based or research backed that algorithm is. I would never give up on faith and hope that my daughter could beat the computer, and I would expect medical staff to act the same. When the stakes are high, even when machines are more reliably right, humans are not likely to believe them, even though logically they are more reliable (which is not to say without a margin of error). So, if you want to deploy cognitive tools in a space such as hiring, where there are sensitivities around hiring bias and diversity, it will still be expected that somewhere in the process, a human is validating or quality checking the decisions of the tools, with an increasing demand for what is known as “Explainable AI.”[8]

So the good news is, there is still plenty of work for humans to do. The opportunity is, as you surely know, the existing lack of awareness and strong skill base among the workplace regarding core Emotional Intelligence Competencies—skills that were valuable ten years ago, but are imperative for the next ten years.










Positive Psychology Interventions ~ Your Fun, Life-Altering Positivity Strategies

Article contributed by Dr. Judy Krings

Do you like to celebrate positive experiences, dates, and events?

Are you a romantic like me, or do these occasions feel like just another day? Or perhaps you take more pleasure in future visioning?

I think of remembering any positive event in my life as “positive emotion-memory-worthy.” You don’t need to or have to, but it’s fun. This suggestion is not the call for you to modify your attitudes or behaviors, if you don’t choose to. But perhaps take a pause and consider “looking for the good or what is right about your life.” Past, present and future. Heck that’s a PPI right there!



My favorite PPI is to notice and savor all the 10 Positive Emotions (PE’s) in my life. Sometimes I choose one PE a week, and sometimes I look for all ten in one day to challenge myself. Great pleasure! To refresh your memory, here are the ten PE’s: Joy, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Awe, Amusement, Hope, Pride, Inspiration, and the culmination of them all, Love.

Sometimes this means celebrating holidays with a new awareness. For me it is often recalling a happy memory of my mom and the rest of my family. Or my last dog, Rocky. Or planning for some fun in the future with friends. PE’s blow up my balloon of life positivity, So do Positive Psychology Interventions (PEI’s).

What are Positive Psychology Interventions?

They are activities or exercises that have been shown scientifically to increase your Positive Emotions. They also strengthen your feelings of well-being, improve your health and your life satisfaction. More good news? There are tons of them! What makes PPI’s important is they are not self-help mumbo-jumbo. They have been tested and are evidence-based. That is, we know they work scientifically.

It is important to note that different PPI’s work for some better than others. How cool and fun to discover the ones that really help you thrive. Also interesting to note: TIME. Some folks are like me and love to use the intervention of “Positive Reminiscence.” That is, we are sentimental and love to take joy in our photography and our PAST experience. Some folks like to focus on the NOW and bask in the PPI’s of the moment. Others love to feel PPI’s as they look to the FUTURE, like planning a super vacation.

As I began to type this blog, me, the romantic, remembered the day this blog will be posted is February 20th. This happens to be Ken’s and my 29th anniversary. I am choosing to close my eyes and savor that sunny day we were married in French Polynesia. It was the grandest happy day of my life. Beautiful, meaningful, and our gratitude soared.



It is sad for me say my son Sean’s birth was not my happiest day. I wanted it to be and planned for it to be. Alas, cognitively it was surreal, but the rest of my body was not offered the opportunity to share my heady enthusiasm. Due to complications, I had a c-section, and I was knocked out with a general anesthetic. I was sicker than a dog when I awoke. I thought the nausea and bowel obstruction pains would never end.

I awoke to no baby and was scared to death. Finally a nurse came in to my room, me in panic. “Where was my baby?” dismayed me blurted out. I had been too sick and out of it to have him in my room. I remember being thrilled to the heavens when I finally got to see and hold him. To count his fingers and toes and to see the double crown on his head and the shape of his hands. I knew then he was ours. Joyful and grateful and blissful, yes, positive emotions finally surfaced. And great meaning, of course. Memorable PE’s to the big time. All-encompassing LOVE, especially because three doctors in three countries told me I would never be able to have children. He was conceived on Valentine’s Day, too! So there!!! Euphoria for me and life at its most glorious…but PE’s a tad after the fact.

But I digress. (And it was Joyful!). Positive Psychology researcher, Sonja Lyubomirsky, has reported five criteria to help you understand Positive Psychology Interventions.

I’ll list the three positive ones first:

  1. Does it feel like a natural fit for you to do?
  2. Is enjoyment a by-product when you do the activity?
  3. Do you value doing it and/or do the results produce PE’s?

Here are the ones that might PROHIBIT or LIMIT your experiencing Positive Emotions from your Positive Psychology Interventions. Why? Because feeling guilty or pressured by something external factors/demands decreases PE’s.

They are:

  1. Would you have negative emotions like GUILT if you did NOT do the activity?
  2. Can you identify SITUATIONAL or EXTERNAL pressures/factors that motivate you to do something? (Rather than your own desire).

Need some Positive Psychology Intervention examples to jack up your ten Positive Emotions??

  1. Revisit your 24 character strengths. See which ones engender well-being and flourishing the most. Post them somewhere you can see them daily.
  2. Use a strength in a different way. Try a new restaurant. Make a new recipe. Or take a different path to work. Not something you usually do. Be novel!
  3. Watch a different TV channel to spark your love of learning or curiosity.
  4. Take photos of something new. Or look at how you take photos of what you like and try different angles.(Love this one!)
  5. Watch a fascinating YouTube video on a new topic.
  6. Research and listen to a different kind of music without judgement.
  7. Go shopping at a new store on online shopping site.

More interesting facts about PPI’s and some caveats:

  1. It is of utmost importance to do the activity that fits with what you LIKE or VALUE. Keep it new!
  2. The more you do an activity over time, the better the positivity effects. Note, however, that forcing yourself to write a gratitude journal every night for several weeks may cause habituation. That is, the PPI’s no longer have the power of producing well-being. if writing becomes a chore, change your PPI activity.
  3. You need to want to do it and find pleasure in doing it.
  4. Variety is imperative.
  5. If you especially enjoy a new PPI activity, that is great. Why? Implementing a PPI over an extended time period makes the PPI positivity benefits last longer. More bang for your happiness and well-being buck!
  6. Be specific. Gratitude is a great example. Being grateful for your life may not be as powerful as being grateful for your daughter drawing you a beautiful picture or your mom bringing you over a pot roast for dinner. Talking note of the little things in life matters!
  7. Mindfulness is important. Focus on your PPI activity and you will stretch your PE advantage..
  8. Choose to be proud of yourself. PRIDE is a Positive Emotion!

PE’s and PPI’s. Fun learning and well-being in a nutshell.

To cement learning, write down your PE’s and PPI’s for a week or two. Make that powerful glow of positivity shine the light longer within you!

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L-O-V-E: How to make it last

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

L, is for the way you look, at me
O, is for the only one, I see
V, is very very, extraordinary, and
E, is even more than anyone that you adore…

Most likely you’re familiar with the jaunty 1965 Nat King Cole song. It’s been the theme music in romantic comedies and played on radio stations for generations. It so very well describes the giddy, elevated feeling we experience when falling in love. Whether it be in a romantic relationship, a business partnership, a friendship, a new work team, or a new job — the sparkling freshness at the beginning of a relationship can send you down the hallways dancing and humming. But it’s not long after the wear and tear of life sets in that those feelings can quickly turn to disillusion and discouragement.  We’ve all experienced it. What starts out as the opportunity of a lifetime turns into the ball and chain around our necks, similar to how that new car smell is so quickly replaced by the odorous aroma of abandoned fast food wrappers left lying on the floor. Falling in love doesn’t seem to be the issue. Staying in love is another story.

How do we prevent the adversities of life from ruining our relationships? Jack Canfield, an American author and motivational speaker, says this:

“Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them.” 

Research shows that people who are able to maintain a positive mindset have better relationships. Robert Ackerman, researcher at the School of Behavioral and Brain Sciences (University of Texas), worked with middle school students to assess how well they resolved conflict with their parents, and videotaped the subjects for over 17 years. With nearly 20 years of data at his fingertips, he discovered that kids who grew up with loving, supporting parents, exercising positive communication and warmth, were more likely to experience adult romantic relationships that were positive.* To quote Ackerman:

“I think that studying more positive behaviors is important because it may shed more insight on how to better enhance romantic relationships.” 

How is your positivity–or lack of–affecting your relationships?  If you struggle with letting negativity get a hold of you when life gets tough, here are a few things you could being to look at:

  • What are your core beliefs about adversity?  Do you see it as fate or something you can control?  Do you see suffering as part of being human or a result of particular actions?  Do you see setbacks as having long-term effects or are they short-lived?
  • Start listening to your self-talk when adversity strikes. Do you tend to go to an “I can do this” place or a “I’m doomed” place?
  • Ask an honest question:  is there anything about the drama that accompanies adversity that you enjoy?
  • Can you look back on past adversity and see that you overcame the obstacle and moved on, or are you still experiencing negative effects from that event to this day?

We all know it’s not about having a happy, trouble-free life that brings joy. It’s more about our ability to roll with the punches (resiliency) and allow the event(s) to shape us into better human beings. Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American artist and poet, put it this way:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

Finding a life coach to work with you to combat negative tendencies can be a good first step of heading down the road of positivity, which can lead to healthier, happier relationships.  Though it doesn’t happen overnight, behavior can be changed, and with some help you can begin to shift your focus from the negative to the positive.

Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you.

  • (2013. Study finds good marriages more likely for teens of happy homes. University of Texas at Dallas News Center (n.d.): n. pag. Web.

How does empathy (or a lack of) affect your love life?

Have you been in a relationship where your partner, in a particular moment, lacked empathy? Unfortunately, many of us know the scenario all too well.  You tell him about something you are struggling with, that thing that is frustrating you, and you just want him to hear you out and acknowledge that what you’re going through is hard. Instead, he puts on his Mister Fixit hat and gives you solutions and advice on how to change the situation, which leaves you feeling not understood. I think one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen on this subject is the one where the girlfriend literally has a nail sticking out of her forehead, and she’s trying to talk to her boyfriend about how painful her head feels, and how it aches, and throbs, and how some days it causes her great consternation, and he’s looking at her in disbelief – with this nail sticking out of her head – and is so wanting to point out to her that what she is feeling may be because of this nail —  but she just wants him to show her some empathy.  (Have a watch – and a laugh — CLICK HERE).

As difficult as it may be for some of us, empathy is one of the most influential factors in building a healthy relationship. And empathy is a key competence of emotional intelligence.

Merriam-Webster defines empathy as the capacity for understanding, being aware of, sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another –and reacting appropriately. ( Empathy is the capacity to know – emotionally – the feelings and experience of others, and being able to express or communicate our feelings of understanding. Empathy is an integral component of a healthy relationship. When people feel listened to and understood at a deep emotional level, and when that understanding is acknowledged or communicated, they feel affirmed and validated.

“Relationships often suffer because people get so caught up in their own experience that they simply can’t relate to what someone else is going through. They assert their opinions and hand out advice – all the while not truly appreciating the other person’s struggles.” – Leslie Becker -Phelps, Ph.D.

People who are empathetic:

  • are tuned-in to a wide range of emotional signals
  • listen for and sense the felt, but unspoken emotions of others
  • show sensitivity to others’ perspectives
  • will take appropriate actions based upon their understanding of others’ needs

In his book Social Intelligence, author Daniel Goleman outlines, “…the word “empathy” is used in three distinct senses:  knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress.” (Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, 2006, p. 58).

In other words, we notice others, feel what they are feeling, then act in a manner that helps them.

“Empathy is truly the heart of the relationship,” said Carin Goldstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Without it, the relationship will struggle to survive.”

Also from Social Intelligence (p. 110), Goleman writes: “Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else’s perspective and strengths the more we see things from their point of view.  The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance. Two tightly looped people mesh minds, even smoothly finishing sentences for each other – a sign of a vibrant relationship that marital researchers call ‘high-intensity validation’.”

Maybe empathy is not one of your strongest qualities – you tend to problem-solve for others when really what they need is to be heard. But empathy, like many behaviors, can be learned and developed.

Here are a few things you can try:

  • Learn to listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next, and truly focus on what the other person is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. “Tell me more” is a great response when someone is trying to express their feelings to you.
  • Ask clarifying questions (without advice) so you truly understand what they are trying to tell you.
  • Develop sensitivity. Do you know the difference between behaviors that validate others and those that invalidate others? Diminishing, belittling, judging, or dismissing others and their feelings make others feel demoralized. Begin replacing invalidating, insensitive behaviors with sensitive behaviors.
  • Tune into hidden meanings. What is it he/she is really wanting, despite what they’re saying? (to be respected, to be included, to be acknowledged, etc.)
  • Learn to pick up on the emotions that accompany the other person’s statements.  Don’t just listen to the words, listen to the feelings that are being expressed.
  • Acknowledge what you think you’ve heard. Paraphrase, repeat back, and clarify the emotions you think you are hearing (i.e., “That must be really frustrating,” or ”Sounds like you’re pretty excited about this…”)
  • Withhold your judgments; when tempted to criticize or dismiss the opinions of another, stop. Step back and consider, on an emotional level as well as a cognitive level, what the other person may be experiencing and what merits another’s point of view may have.

“If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view – as well as your own.” – Henry Ford


A Fresh Start

Article Contributed by Amy Sargent

I’m always amazed how at the end of the year so many with disheartened hearts post about how ready they are for the coming year. Something about the end of December gives us renewed hope in the reset button which, with the dropping of the shiny ball in NYC, will assure us of a fresh start for the year ahead.

As I strolled along the sunny California seashore over the holidays, I realized that I too needed a fresh start. The last few months of this year I felt as if I was swimming, frantically, just to keep my head above water in churning, turbulent ocean, and by mid-December, caught a wave that dumped me into the sand like a discarded, broken shell. There I lay, exhausted and discouraged, on a lonely beach, thinking someone, something would scoop me up as their prized treasure, with the same delight a beachcomber has when he eagerly retrieves that perfect shell half-buried in the sand. Instead, I felt as though the sea had disappeared and in its place a hot, dry desert, barren of the refreshing waters of life I so enjoy, spitefully appeared. And ever since I have been wandering. My mouth is dry and my feet are burning and I am tired. Tired, of walking, walking, walking and getting nowhere, not finding that oasis I so long for. And I know many of you are feeling the same.

What I noticed at the beach this week is that at the end each day, as the sun sinks low on the horizon, the used-up, trampled-upon sand is littered with imprints of all shapes and sizes: bare feet footprints and dog footprints and shoe footprints, a stripe from a beach chair leg being dragged along, a flattened swath where a beach towel lay. Seaweed strewn across water-logged driftwood with a million bugs swarming the dark green mass. A forgotten plastic shovel and an abandoned sandal. A seagull pecking at a dead, rotting fish. Discarded sand castles, their towering walls dismantled and washed away by the relentless waves. And broken shells. Lots of them. It’s a summary of the day’s happenings, the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the wins and losses. Each of us has a colorful backstory and I reflected upon how we spend most of our life trying to hide it from others, some of us doing a rather good job in the facade. But the beach tells all. You can’t take a step there without leaving a trail.

We got up early the next morning and strolled alongside the gentle surf. The sun was new and bright as its clear light cast its first rays across the sparkling waters. And the beach! I was awed by the transformation that had taken place in the night. The once-littered sand was washed smooth by the powerful waves of the high tide. Yesterday was gone. As far as I could see, a clean slate lay before me, eagerly awaiting today’s adventures to leave their mark. I felt alive and giddy and full of hope and wonder for what the new day would bring. I found a tiny perfect sand dollar in the sand.

It’s beautiful how the beach gets a redo each morning. A fresh start.

A few days later, we arrived back home after a long, tiring car ride. The kids left to go to their dad’s, and as I sat here alone in my little apartment, I again felt the dark tug of this year’s disappointments, disillusionment and discouragement grasping at my sun-kissed heart, wanting to pull me back down into the dark waters. Something about it was familiar, and I realized how easy it would be to slip right back. For some reason it is easy to hang on to our hurts, and return to that familiar place of pain, even though it’s so far from the brightness of where we really want to be.

But I don’t want to go back there. I can’t. I refuse to look at last year’s beach littered with disappointments, discarded dreams, and discouragement another moment. Let’s resolve, together, to let the night’s waves work their magic and gift us with a clean canvas, eagerly awaiting our first strokes of paint. Let’s let the past be past and look ahead with anticipation and hope and wonder. Let’s revel in the beauty of the unknown that each new day holds and not get caught up in the fear of what may be. Let’s start walking, boldly, letting our tender feet feel the inviting warmth of the soft white sand spread before us, and let the adventure of a new year unfold. I’m stepping forward. And I hope to see your footprints in the sand next to mine.

May your 2018 be rewarding and joy-filled. Happy New Year!

Give the gift of Emotional Intelligence

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How to experience holiday cheer when you’re single and alone

Article Contributed by Amy Sargent

The telltale signs of the holiday season are here – colorful, twinkling lights, shoppers bustling, melodic music in every store, people smiling, and laughing, holding hands and kissing, joy and peace everywhere you look. It sure is lovely. But is this your reality?

As much as we may long for the picture-perfect scene from a Currier and Ives painting, honestly, it can be a tough time of the year. More accurate may be a slowdown in business causing financial strain, which can lead to frustration, worry, and depression, and boy do these have an impact on our relationships. Arguments over petty issues, impatience, and ugly words we can’t take back are so easy to fall prey to when we’re stressed. Before we know it, the merry Christmas season can become a time of fights, loss of love, breakups, and marital strain. Which doesn’t exactly make for a holly jolly Christmas.

In an article printed in the Healthline newsletter, the author writes:

Depression may occur at any time of the year, but the stress and anxiety during the months of November and December may cause even those who are usually content to experience loneliness and a lack of fulfillment.” (Holiday Depression, And what is the biggest predictor of holiday depression? Social isolation.

Maybe you’re one of those people who is blessed to be in a healthy, happy relationship, surrounded by positive friends and family. If that’s the case, I’m so glad. Really. It’s the ideal, without doubt. Enjoy it, relish it, and continue to be thankful for the riches that abound around you.

But if you’re one of those who finds yourself alone, the holiday season can be difficult. Feelings of isolation, loneliness, uselessness, lack of purpose, and just plain sadness can envelope you and before you know it, you find yourself on Team Grinch. Personally, this season I’m experiencing the delightful duo of empty nest syndrome and a painful breakup, and I’ll just say that decorating the tree this year wasn’t exactly what we see on the Hallmark channel movies. Replace the perfect, smiling couples in lovely Christmas sweaters, falling in love as they hand each other ornaments, with this picture-perfect scenario: a weary, single mom struggling with the tree base, (the tree only tipped over twice before I got it up!), lights in tangled knots and missing bulbs, throat tightening over each ornament that reminded me of earlier days with the kids, a glass of wine in hand with tears streaming down my face. I wonder if Mr. Currier and Mr. Ives would’ve like to paint a picture of that?!

I don’t tell you this to evoke pity. I have a blessed life. I have three lovely children who adore me and try to get home on the holidays. I have an extended family that supports me and a daddy that holds me as the apple of his eye. I have an engaging profession, brilliant colleagues, dear friends who love me, a safe place to live, all the necessities of life, and a whole lot of positive thinking. As alone as I feel at times, I know that it is temporary. The pain of loss will eventually move along and be replaced with joy soon enough. I’m not negating the hurt – it’s tough and I’ve let my share of tears flow. But I know this won’t last. However, not everyone can see the light at the end of the dark, Polar Express tunnel.

If you’re one of the charmed ones this season, surrounded by loved ones, please take a moment – or two or three or ten – to be on the lookout for your friends who may be struggling. Please, especially check in on your single friends. Invite them over for dinner, take them out for drinks, buy them a cute pair of snowman socks and drop a surprise gift at their doorstep. Think of things you can do to make sure they feel loved, included, and cared for. It’s easy to take it for granted when you’re not alone, but remember many single people don’t have that special someone who is thinking of them this time of year, and if you don’t look out for them, no one will.

 “To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.” – Mark Twain

And if you’re one of those of us who are alone, you’ve got some homework, too. Sorry, but you don’t get to wait around for someone else to reach out to you. First, be sure to tune into how you’re feeling. Emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of how you’re feeling, in the moment, and to use that information to manage behaviors. Don’t hide from those feelings of sadness, desperation, anger, or disappointment. Don’t bottle them up – instead, let them serve you. Our emotions are terrific indicators of what’s going on inside, so listen up. This may sound counter-intuitive, but if you’re grieving, grieve. If you’re hurting, hurt. If you’re worried, worry. Pretending we don’t feel the way we feel won’t get us anywhere. Experience your emotions– cry it out, punch your pillow, journal, write that email then delete it, whatever you need to do that’s safe and non-damaging to express how you’re feeling – then get up, wipe your tears, and get out. Spending too much time alone in social isolation will increase feelings of depression and increase your awareness of being alone.

Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.” – Daniel Goleman

I know you don’t feel like it (the pulls of Netflix are strong), but you’ve got to make yourself get out, with the purpose of getting the focus off yourself and onto others. Slip into a fun holiday dress or tie. Stop in the coffee shop and buy a stranger a drink. Sign up for a social event with groups like Meetup to meet new friends. Volunteer at the food bank. Take a walk along the brightly-decorated downtown streets. Press $10 in someone’s hand and wish them happy holidays. Buy gifts for your friends and take the time to wrap them in beautiful paper with ribbons and string. Invite a friend to a movie. Host a holiday gathering at your house…and if you’re short on funds, ask everyone to bring an appetizer or drink to share. Wear a silly Santa hat and make people smile. Build a snowman. Leave an extra-large tip for the waitress. Go to the Christmas parade. Invite some friends to go sledding. Find an outdoor ice skating rink and wobble around on blades. Attend the local tuba concert (yes, these exist!). There are so many fun events around town this time of year just waiting for you to enjoy! I know, it’s not what your dreaming of, being cuddled up by the fire with that special someone as Bing croons Silver Bells, exchanging gifts from Jared’s. I get it. But getting out and around others and doing fun activities will do wonders to lift your spirits and get your focus off yourself. Sure, you’ll cry again when you get home, but at least you’ll get a reprieve from the self-pity and enjoy the sights and sounds of the holiday season with others for a few moments.

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.Charles Dickens

I can only recommend the above activities because it’s what I’m doing this holiday season. I’m still sad, and alone, but am having bits and pieces of fun in between the tears. And my outlook for the future is getting brighter with each strain of Baby It’s Cold Outside I hear.

Of course, if you are feeling depressed and/or are experiencing overwhelming negativity, thoughts of inflicting harm to others or yourself – or suicidal thoughts – seek professional help immediately. Don’t mess around with that one. Sometimes we can’t pull ourselves up out of the slump alone and we need the help of others. No shame there – but don’t hesitate if your pain has taken a turn down a dark path. Get help.

Whether this is turning out to be the best holiday season ever, or looking a little bleak – we can all experience the joy of the season with a little extra effort in looking out for one another, reaching out to others, and living outside of ourselves. Whether you’re alone or with that special someone, you can practice kindness, a giving heart, and selfless love this season. Why not give it a try?


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