Archive for the ‘Relationship Management’ Category

Article Contributed by Guest Author Hope Eaton

For years Kyle was dedicated to a career he loved, and was almost happy with his work/life imbalance.  That is, until he had a family.  Once this happened, it was no longer okay to work 16 hour days.  There were other things that were important to Kyle, and he wanted to do everything as perfectly as he did his job.  He wanted it all, and why not, everyone else seemed to be doing it.

And yet, Kyle began to experience a great deal of frustration because he wanted to spend more time with his wife, his kids and his friends.  He wanted to keep up his exercise program, and he also wanted to keep doing the work he loved.

However, when he was at work, he did not feel fully engaged because he was thinking about the T-ball game his son was playing that he was missing; and when he was with his family, he was stressed and frustrated about the presentation he was not getting done.   When he was out with friends, he did not fully enjoy their company because he was thinking about the laps he should be swimming.

Kyle finally got to the point where he was not fully enjoying anything.   Everything he read about work-life balance, about being more productive and how to squeeze more in his days was not helping him, and his stress levels rose.

This is when he reached out for coaching.  We worked together to design his life through the lens of the emotional intelligence competency of realistic optimism rather than the “I can have it all” perfectionism he had been pursuing.  Starting with this optimal life exercise from Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD, Kyle:

1. Identified the most important domains in his life.  For him these were:

• Professional / career
• Parenting / family
• Romantic / spouse
• Personal health / exercise
• Economic / financial security

2. Created a two-column chart of what each of these domains would look like in a “perfect” world and what they would look like if they were “good enough.”

Domain	Perfect	Good Enough
Professional	8 hours of solid work per day	3 hours of “real” work per day with no interruptions
Parenting	Spend all weekend with the kids as well as all mornings and evenings	Have dinner and/or breakfast with his family 4 times/week
Romantic	A date night 3 times per week	A date night 1 night every two weeks
Personal Health	2 hours of exercise per day and 30 minutes of meditation 2 times per day	1 hour of exercise a day  (with weekends off) and two 10-minute meditations daily
Economic	Tuition pre-paid for all 3 children by the time they are 3, $500,000 in savings by 40.	Open a 529 and put away what they can and contribute to 401K up to employer match

Kyle identified the best possible scenarios for each domain given the realities of his life.  He accepted that he, like most of us, cannot have it all and that life is not “perfect.”  As a result, he is now fully engaged in each major domain of his life, and he is happier and less stressed.  Life is good !

How have you helped your clients work realistic optimism into their lives?

Once in my career, my “boss” wrote my annual review in pencil. Yes, seriously. There was very little feedback on the actual form and when pressed, I learned he wrote it in the 15 minutes before I arrived in his office for our meeting. I felt devalued and like I was wasting my time. My trust was completely blown and my respect for him dropped immensely. The same person whose lips were saying, “I really want to see you succeed, how can I help?” was showing me through his actions that there was no intention to follow through.

As leaders, it is essential for us to “get it right” when it comes to coaching and mentoring others in our organization. These may be peers, direct reports, or even our superiors, as the need to manage up is crucial for our success. Giving positive, constructive feedback is key. I don’t mean the “pat on the back variety.” I mean real, meaningful feedback that allows the individual to truly know how they are doing, what can be done better, and celebrate specific successes.

When you are giving feedback in an annual review, or in the moment, be sure to use the following steps to maximize the value for the individual receiving it also for you.

• Be specific—provide specific examples of actions and behaviors that attributed to the outcomes. Balance the positive and the negative as much as possible. Avoid judgment in your specifics. Just the facts “ma’am.” And be genuine in your approach.
• Be timely—in an annual review, be careful of focusing only on events that have occurred recently. Instead, be sure you have collected successes and challenges from throughout the year. This should not be the first time your report should be hearing about either positive or negative situations. The annual review is a round-up; a time to review the progress being made. Feedback on performance should be ongoing to avoid surprises and maximize the opportunity for learning and growing.
• Show courage and compassion—don’t dance around if you are delivering difficult feedback to an individual. Get right to the point and offer suggestions for how improvements can be made. This provides the individual with hope and moves them into thinking about the future instead of the past. Make sure you affirm the talents and skills of the individual. Equally important for leaders is to not fool yourself. Do not excuse poor behavior or performance. You may need to show courage and compassion by cutting your losses. This can be freedom producing for both you and the individual.
• Be sincere and honest without demoralizing the person—empty praise is easy and just…well…empty. Likewise, words like “always” and “never” will lose your audience and they will not be able to see through their defensive lens. Do not go on the attack. This isn’t about putting someone in their place. Feedback is about helping someone rise to be a better version of themselves.
• Prepare, Prepare, Prepare—It is critical to spend some time thinking about what really needs to be said and the best way to say it. Ask yourself how you would receive the information presented they way you are considering? Do you need to make some adjustments? Are there extenuating circumstances that will make it easier or more difficult to hear feedback at this time?

Quality feedback increases trust, accelerates results, and ultimately impacts the bottom line. Great leaders have a gift for giving timely, effective feedback that moves those they are mentoring/coaching to the next level as they incorporate changes in their behaviors and performance practices.

To fully assess your current competence in Coaching and Mentoring Others and create a personalized development plan, contact the Institute for Social +Emotional Intelligence at Hello@The-ISEI.com or go to our website www.The-ISEI.com to learn more.

Article contributed by Arul John Peter

I am soft skill facilitator based in Singapore (Asia) and have been conducting soft skills training for more than 25 years. Enabling managers as coach was not an area of my training activity. I was focusing on making each of my participant, a better employee or a manager, not paying much attention to make each of my participant a ‘multiplier’. This approach to my training changed following my participation in ISEI’s Social + Emotional Intelligence certification workshop and Leader as Coach program. The two training session brought about a new perspective on the importance of having a pool of trained and enabled managers as coaches. Managers who had been exposed to the managers as coach, find the approach useful in the workplace. It made them feel good about their contribution to people development.

Leading and managing in the 21^st century is not an easy task. The need to get along with a whole group of stakeholders and move forward to achieve the vision and goals together demands a new set of skills. The Development Dimensions International (DDI), a global organization that offers solutions on talent management, identified ‘coaching and developing others as one of the five most critical skills needed on the part of managers and leaders for managing and leading the future, in its publication titled ‘Time for a leadership Revolution’. The remaining four skills are creativity & innovation, identifying and developing talent driving & managing change and executing organizational strategy. Invariably, developing these skills would require a high dose of coaching.

Research after research confirms that the benefits of coaching include the following:

• Coaching improves teamwork and productivity.
• Enable staff to take ownership to get things done
• It improves the outcome of business strategies.

Coaching as a skill and development tool, allowing managers within an organization to help individual employees and teams perform at their peak. Training and developing managers to become coaches is probably the best way to bring about meaningful and sustainable changes within the organization. Having the services of a competent and certified coach/facilitator who could train and develop the managers to function as coaches is more effective. Coaches/facilitators who are trained in programs such as “leader as coaches,” offered by Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence would be able to take full advantage of Positive Deviant Initiatives,  a concept that is attributed to Tufts University. The managers who are trained to handle coaching sessions could amplify the positive and desired practices that are already working within the organization. Research and organizational studies confirm that solutions which originate from outside the organizations are not accepted easily by the internal stakeholders. It is the best practices that are identified by the key players within the organization, that make the organization successful. The best option is to identify key players and provide them with the relevant coaching skills and let them become the catalyst.

Article contributed by Lisa L. Custardo, CC-SEI, MBA, CPA, CGMA

“Nothing else can quite substitute for a few well-chosen, well-timed, sincere words of praise. They’re absolutely free and worth a fortune.” — Sam Walton

Whatever role we find ourselves in, be it coach, leader, manager, director, executive, facilitator, trainer, HR professional…parent, husband, wife, sibling, child – WE ALL tend to thrive when we feel recognized, validated, and noticed. When it’s sincere it’s authentic, and quite a bit expansive. Whether we are on the giving or the receiving end seems to matter not, WE ALL respond well to praise and positive stimuli – mind, body, soul.

Coming from an extensive background in Health and Human Services and non-profit, I can tell you praise and verbal recognition was a regular way of life for us. Now, back then we didn’t know to connect it to any particular area of concentration, let alone Social + Emotional Intelligence, we just did it, and often, because it felt like it was the right thing to do. For many years it seemed to work out quite well, at least it did for me. Then one day, flash forward several years, I noticed something different, or as we like to refer to in the business as I had, “gained a greater degree of competency in Other Awareness and Relationship Management.” Suddenly I realized that perhaps I wasn’t quite as adept at the social aspect of business as I thought I was. Somewhere between the well-chosen words and the sincerity, the message got lost. Every word, it seemed, had become an expectation rather than recognition for a “job well done.” Further, it had created many a dysfunctional relationship, dependent on praise and recognition exclusively from an “outside” source. In direct contrast to our coach approach, ugh! Has this ever happened to anyone? Has anyone found themselves within the context of a relationship that you thought was going well only to find out you may have misread the situation? Better yet, is anyone out there a parent??(smile)

Enter Social + Emotional Intelligence to the rescue; very progressive and ground-breaking material! So much so, I found that in working with the subject matter, the profile, and the extensive feedback for my own personal development, a new magic began to reveal itself to me. I began to see it more as a personal and professional recognition and reward program with extensive intrinsic value, so by definition, originating from self. Now, THAT had not been obvious to me in the beginning. This investment had a very generous return, emotionally, socially, and financially WISE, all the way around.

As a CFO and Executive Director, I can report that the ROI is very lucrative, as a coach I can state that the result has proven to be quite successful, as a person I can tell you I am much more satisfied and fulfilled. I feel confident when I say, “this particular investment is not only WISE, it’s a sure thing, and I recommend that you put all your clients in it.”

When was the last time you felt recognized either for your work or for who you are?  How did it make you feel?  Who in your network can you recognize and acknowledge, sincerely and genuinely today?

I look forward to any comments.

Thanks Much, Lisa

You can read this entire Blog article in its original format at OnlineUniversties.com

We at The Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence® have been invited to share this great article from OnlineUniversties.com.  They have put together their 10 Best Books on Emotional Intelligence.  As you read their article, I invite you to think about the following questions:

What do you think?  Are these the best books on emotional intelligence?  What other books would you add to this list?  And are there any you would remove?  When you are looking for a book on emotional intelligence, what is it you are seeking to learn?

I welcome your feedback on the list!

The 10 Best Books on Emotional Intelligence

originally posted Feb 22, 2012

By Staff Writers

While a high IQ can go a long way in helping you to be successful in the world, studies are increasingly demonstrating that your EQ, or emotional intelligence, is of equal (or perhaps even more) importance. Whether it’s sustaining personal relationships, working on a group project in college, talking with your boss, or managing your own employees, emotional intelligence plays a key role in how successful these interactions are or are not, often in ways we’re not even readily aware of. If you’d like to give your EQ a boost, there are plenty of great books out there on the subject that can help teach you the fundamentals of emotional intelligence and help you through activities that will make you and those around you more emotionally healthy in your interactions. We’ve listed 10 of these great books here to help you get started on your emotional education.

1. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman:

   Curious as to why emotional intelligence might matter more than overall intelligence? Touching on psychology and neuroscience, Dr. Daniel Goleman, an expert on brain and behavioral sciences, explains the crucial skills for success offered by emotional intelligence that can determine your success in relationships and work and may impact your overall health. Even better, Goleman explains that EQ isn’t fixed, and shares ideas on how you can improve your emotional intelligence. Read the rest of this entry »

Article contributed by Virg Setzer,MSOP

In my past blog comments I discussed two of the Nine Essentials to Career Success – Ownership and Mindset.  This week I am addressing the third essential, Expertise. 

What is Expertise?

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines expertise as:  “expert skill or knowledge in a particular field” and Expert as, “a person who has a comprehensive and authoritative knowledge of or skill in a particular area”

In the business world it is not at all uncommon to hear the phrase, “what is his or her expertise?”  In an interview, “tell me about your expertise”, or as senior leaders discuss key successors, the individuals expertise and overall capability is frequently a major discussion.  Sometimes expertise is described using different terms, such as what is his talent, but it all boils down to what is the special capability an individual possesses.  What is the capability or expertise that person has that sets them aside from others, in effect gives them a competitive advantage.

Expertise – Critical for a successful career.   There are many attributes necessary for success, but Expertise is clearly one of the essentials – it is in fact essential to continually build and enhance one’s expertise.  Expertise is not simply the special knowledge gained from focused education and experience. We all know of many people who have a vast resume of educational accomplishments, degrees, certifications, etc., yet are not all that effective in their performance.  Expertise is gaining that special knowledge and associated experience, but most importantly expertise is the ability to employ and apply your knowledge and skill in real world situations, and to do so in a highly effective manner.  Often there are people who are equally qualified in terms of education and experience, but it is the real expert who is able to apply it to achieve maximum performance.

Is expertise limited to technical or functional areas of knowledge and experience?  The ability to effectively employ and apply one’s capability encompasses a number of factors.  Those that are successful likely do not think of their capability as including social and emotional intelligence competencies, yet as we consider Personal Competence and Social Competence, we might make a case that all twenty-six competencies in some way have an impact.   A few however are key contributors to the successful application of expertise.  I believe those that may have the greatest impact are:

• Organizational awareness: Reading a group’s emotional currents and power relationships; being able to “size up” a situation and plan an appropriate response.  This is critical in applying your expertise in any organization.

• Integrity: Maintaining high standards of honesty and ethics at all times.  A must to build credibility.

• Initiative & bias for action: Readiness to act on opportunities.  The term, “timing is everything” does in fact often apply in business – this competency is a major contributor to successful application of expertise.

• Personal agility:  Readily, willingly, rapidly and effectively anticipating and adapting to change.  Our rapidly changing global and technological world requires personal agility now more than ever.
  

• Communication: Listening attentively and fostering open dialogue.  Essential for every effective relationship.

• Interpersonal effectiveness:  Possessing diplomacy, tact and interpersonal skills, and knowing how to use them to ease transactions and relationships with others; the ability to relate well and build rapport with all people.  Application of expertise cannot be completed in a vacuum – interpersonal effectiveness is essential.

• Powerful influencing skills: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion.  A sub-set of effective communication, but also critical to success.

• Building Bonds: Nurturing and maintaining relationships, cultivating a wide network; connecting with others on a deeper rather than superficial level.  Essential for a continued effective relationships.

• Coaching & mentoring others: Identifying others’ development needs and bolstering their abilities.  Developing others supports and helps affirm your expertise.

• Building trust: Being trustworthy and ethical when working and relating to others; ability to establish a bond of trust with others.  Trust is the foundation for successfully employing your expertise.

Building Your Expertise:

Building one’s expertise is not a quick or simple process.  It is also a never-ending process.  As people begin their business careers they may start to build their expertise based upon their educational background, undergraduate and graduate educations – the knowledge they acquired in school.  Over time expertise is expanded and the educational expertise supplemented as experience occurs.  The understanding gained from application in the workplace and on-going learning is vital to enhancing one’s expertise.

Building your expertise also takes into account the topic in my last blog – Mindset – building your expertise requires a “possibilities mindset” – a mindset of continuous learning and development.   I doubt that there is a formula or template for how to build your expertise?  But I encourage everyone at every stage of your career to periodically conduct a self-assessment of your expertise – an Expertise Audit.  Ask yourself, what really is my expertise?  What is the value I bring to the workplace?  Where do I have holes or voids in my expertise?  Have I only focused on developing my technical and functional knowledge and skill or have I also considered the social and emotional competencies associated with effectively deploying my expertise?  How do I best test what my expertise is?  What do I use to compare my expertise against?  Who can give me meaningful input about my expertise?  What actions must I take to improve and enhance my expertise?

Real Expertise sets you apart – it gives you a competitive advantage – consider how you can achieve that level of expertise.  Expertise is one of the Nine Essentials to Career Success – it cannot be taken lightly.  Whether you are 20 or 70, I encourage you to continuously build your expertise and in turn enhance your career!

From ISEI: Please meet Macarena Ybarra Coello de Portugal. She is one of our certified coaches and currently doing social + emotional intelligence work with in the European Union, with the EU Parliament, Commission and Council.

From Macarena: I am Spanish and I arrived in Brussels in 1990 to do a specialization in European Law. I worked in the European Parliament as well as in the Department of European Affairs of a Chamber of Lawyers. Two years later, I created my own company, European Development Projects (EDP), a company which trains clients in the development of international proposals and implementing European projects.

More recently, my career has brought me into the world of coaching. I have received my coaching training from Spanish, French and English coaching schools, and received my Professional Certified Coach (PCC) designation from the International Coach Federation (ICF). I am also certified as a Master in Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and most recently I have become certified as an ISEI™ Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach.

I am also accredited as a Coach by the European Commission and therefore on the list of Official Coaches of the European Institutions. Only the 26 coaches on this list are authorized to work with European Institutions.

Working with European Institutions (Council, Parliament and European Commission) is an exciting challenge because of the incredible diversity of cultures, languages, nationalities and religions represented in the EU. For example, when I am doing Group Coaching, there can be 11 people and 9 different nationalities, all with different cultures and communications methods that must be expressed, heard, understood and communicated to all in the two primary languages (French and English). And sometimes these two primary languages are not even used by anyone in the group!

Since I’ve become certified as a Social and Emotional Intelligence (S+EI) Coach by the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence™, I am using all the S+EI tools, especially to bring very high-level and very diverse individuals together and create opportunities for teamwork, collaboration and progress. Sometimes the tone, the conversations, indeed the ambiance of the meetings can be difficult and awkward, and in my experience, the language of emotions, being very human and common to all, create a universal language of common understanding and help us move toward common ground. Different cultures communicate differently, and this can serve as the basis of a lot of conflict, and yet I am extraordinarily grateful for the Social + Emotional Intelligence certification which has given me the opportunity to offer customized learning opportunities, unique interventions, and specific workshops in a variety of topics relevant to our work in the EU, including for example, ‘Conflict Management’ and ‘Intentionality’ and ‘Building Bonds’ and many others based on the S+EI competencies. Thank you for hearing my story.

Macarena Ybarra Coello de Portugal
Professional Certified Coach (PCC)
Master Practitioner PNL
Social + Emotional Intelligence Certified Coach
European Development Projects – EDP Coaching Director
Brussels / Belgium

Article contributed by Christene Cronin, CC

Trust encompasses many feelings and behaviors. It requires self-confidence and respect for yourself and others, just to name a few.

Fear can create a lack of trust and can hold you back. It can stop you from taking that promotion, starting a new career or writing that book you always talk about. It can be the fear you feel after making a mistake, or fear that stops you from taking action for fear of failing or looking bad in the eyes of others.

The acronym for fear is:  False Evidence Appearing Real

We often create fear in our minds through our own thoughts and beliefs which can be based on what we read or hear from others. However, beliefs are basically a thought we repeat over and over in our mind. And any belief can be changed if we choose to change it.

If you change your thoughts you can be who you want to be and you can do whatever you want to do. There is a concept about how our minds are programmed early on in life based on our thoughts and beliefs as we grow. Two books that help with this concept are:

1) Virus of the Mind by Richard Brodie

2) Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer

Trusting yourself requires confidence in your own thinking and ability. If you are confident within your- self then others will trust in you as well?

Do you trust others? What does it take for you to trust others?

In his book The Speed of Trust, Stephen M.R. Covey defined a person of high trust as: reliable, respectful, loyal, compassionate, caring, open minded, flexible, confident and extending trust to others.

Now take that last quality; extending trust to others. For some, that can be very difficult.

One of the biggest reasons for a lack of trust is “when” someone makes a mistake. I say “when” because as much as we don’t like to admit it, we all make mistakes once in a while.  So allow others to make mistakes without retribution. Don’t be afraid to admit to others that you made a mistake, it shows you are human.  Once you can accept and admit this to yourself, you will realize that valuable knowledge can be gained by learning from our mistakes.

How you respond to a mistake can make the difference in whether others feel they can trust you. If you own up to it, respond with a confident manner that you will rectify it then you are creating a feeling of trust.

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”   

  ~ Stephen R. Covey author of the book “ 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

He was seated comfortably, three paragraphs into the lead sports page article when she approached him from behind his favorite chair. “Dad, I really need to talk to you.” She dangled her 10 year old, lanky legs over the edge of the chair as he distractedly muttered, “Uh, huh?” She begins her lengthy diatribe about an event that happened at school and the call he should expect from the teacher and that it wasn’t her fault but she was next to the kids who did it, etc. As she ends her monologue, he mutters, “Uh, huh. Okay. Sounds good.” She swings her feet back over the arm of the chair, onto the floor, and walks away feeling rejected and unimportant, knowing that when the teacher calls, her dad will be hearing it for the first time.

Have you ever done this to your kids? Has it ever happened to you where you knew someone wasn’t really listening? And how many times might you have done this to your employees? Instead of the newspaper, your attention is on your computer screen as you try desperately to keep up on incoming email. Or perhaps you are answering every ping on your smart phone? The only difference between home and work is that your family may be more forgiving than your employees and other work colleagues. Have you considered the cost to your relationships and your team’s productivity when you don’t listen?

Valarie Washington, CEO of Think 6 Results, writes in her article, The High Cost of Poor Listening, “60% of all management problems are related to poor listening,” and that “we misinterpret, misunderstand or change 70% to 90% of what we hear.”

Washington also writes, “There are no shortcuts to becoming a great listener and the price tag for poor listening is high. Listening well can cut down on misunderstandings, miscues, damaged relationships, missed opportunities and disagreements while building strong alliances, increasing knowledge and delivering better results, faster.”

Top executives listen more than they talk and when they listen, they set aside everything else, including the inner clamor, and listen with their full attention. They know that the only way to really know what’s going on, and to really hear what the other person is trying to say, is to listen fully to what’s being said and what’s not being said but is trying to be conveyed.

Great leaders are great listeners and as a result, their employees are more engaged, more passionate about their work, and far more productive. Is it time for you to sharpen your listening skills? To fully assess your Leadership competencies including your ability to coach and mentor others through genuine listening, contact the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence at Hello@The-ISEI.com or go to our website www.The-ISEI.com to learn more.

Ghandi did it.  Martin Luther King did it.  Oprah does it.  Dave Ramsey does it.  IT is inspired leadership.  These leaders had and have what it takes to inspire others toward a shared vision.  They are able to challenge the status quo and articulate a sense of common purpose that inspires others to follow.  These leaders generate enthusiasm for clear, compelling visions and have been able to create a sense of belonging to something much larger than themselves.

The same is true of San Joaquin Community Hospital (SJCH) known for launching “Sacred Work.”  SJCH leadership was inspired to care for not only the community members, but also the caregivers.  The team set out to make sure they were hiring folks with the right values systems in order to create a sustainable culture of caring.  SJCH hires based on the value, service to others, and today maintains a committed workforce and leadership team who believe healing the whole person and serving the caregivers as well as the community are key aspects of their mission.  As an unexpected benefit, SJCH has inspired a healthcare movement centered around “Sacred Work.”

Research conducted by Zenger & Folkman says, inspirational leadership is directly linked to high employee engagement—the psychological bond between an employee, the work, and the work environment.  Leaders who inspire and motivate followers see new behaviors, outcomes, attitudes, and emotions that translate to business outcomes such as higher productivity, more responsible behavior, greater organizational confidence, and initiative.  The employees of SJCH are a living testament to the validity of this research.

Are there actions you need to take to enhance your inspirational leadership?

• Create a collaborative vision in alignment with your organization.
• Set stretch goals to challenge your team and provide fulfilling work experience.
• Communicate the vision frequently and enthusiastically.
• Develop your people.
• Be a model team player—put the needs of the team and organization above your own interests.
• Foster fresh ideas and be open to trying them.

To fully assess your current competence in Inspirational Leadership and create a personalized development plan, contact the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence at Hello@The-ISEI.com or go to our website www.The-ISEI.com to learn more.