Article contributed by Amy Sargent

I had three people this week ask me to do something that I did not want to do.

A nice person would say yes, right?

But I am a nice person.  And I said no.

It’s not that I couldn’t do it – I could have changed around my schedule, cancelled a few appointments, overscheduled, and put myself into a situation of stress. Saying yes to them would have meant me saying no to things I already had set up and was looking forward to working on. It wasn’t that I couldn’t – I just didn’t want to.

In my people pleasing days, I would have said yes, even if it created a burden on me and others. Like many of us, I was taught to accommodate others first at a young age and was told I should always put the feelings of others before mine. As objectionable as it sounds, I actually attended a college where if a guy asked me on a date, I was expected to accept, whether or not I wanted to go out with him.  Serving others was of highest priority.

The thing is, helping others is a good thing. Having an attitude of service toward others is a competency of emotional intelligence. But so is the competency of personal power.  And there are times that we need to stand up for who we are, for what we believe, for what we want – and that’s OK.

“Saying ‘yes’ to one thing means saying ‘no’ to another.”  — Sean Covey

Does the thought of putting yourself first make you cringe?

Personal power is a sense of self-confidence with an inner knowing that you can live the life you choose. It’s the confidence that you can meet life’s challenges and navigate difficult circumstances, having those tough conversations when needed, and speak your truth.  It’s not about being rude – or hurtful – or careless of others’ feelings. It’s the ability to do all the above in a quiet, sincere, assertive and appropriate manner.

People who have a strong sense of personal power have a calm inner conviction about who they are. They are not afraid to go after the things they want in life. They are able to tell the difference between the things they have control over and the things they do not. They know they can determine the direction their life will take and make efforts to head that way.  They define themselves as capable and can give their convictions a strong voice.

“Remember, NO ONE has the right to control your emotions, thoughts, and actions, unless you let them.”  — Kevin J. Donaldson

For some of you, you’re nodding, recognizing these traits in yourself.  If that’s the case, kudos to you.  Those around you are most likely blessed by your confident leadership and sense of self. It’s a delight to be around someone who believes in themselves and can portray that with a calm, kind spirit. We’re not talking being bossy or demanding, which often indicate someone who is trying too hard to show others they have control.  Someone with personal power doesn’t need to be the center of attention or try to control everything (or everyone!) around them.  They are solid with who they are and how they fit into the world.

But for some, exhibiting personal power can be a struggle. These folks tend to avoid confrontations even if it would lead toward resolution of a problem that’s slowing them down. They have difficulty speaking their mind, for fear of overstepping bounds or being judged, and lack confidence in their own judgement. They avoid challenges, give in easily, question their abilities, and don’t set clear boundaries. They can be labeled as a pushover or a doormat. Often, though they say yes to something, they want to say no, and end up resenting the situation or the people involved. They tend to need approval from others and fear rejection or disapproval if they say no. Is this you?

“It’s better to say no now than be resentful later.” – Chantalle Blikman

If your personal power needs a little jolt — good news!  As with all competencies of emotional intelligence, we’re talking about behavior, and behavior can be changed.  Here are some energizing tips to try if you struggle with personal power:

• Make a list of your accomplishments. Try to recapture how you felt when you reached your goals.
• Take note of the things you excel in, whether it be a simple task or a specialized skill set.
• Listen to see if you put yourself down and take notice in which circumstances you tend to do that.  Next time those situations crop up, make an effort to avoid self-deprecation. If you can’t say something nice about yourself, don’t say anything at all!
• Examine your boundaries with others. Do you let people take advantage of you?  Do they walk all over you?  This is not about their poor behavior so much that it is about you allowing them to.
• Let your no mean no and your yes mean yes. If you do not want to do something, practice saying, “No thank you”, “I ‘m not available”, or “No, I don’t want to.”  And you don’t need to make up an excuse as to why!
• Did you mess up on something that is gnawing at your confidence? Congratulations, you’re human!  Admit your faults then let your failures go, learn from them, and move on.
• If you don’t know something – no need to feel shame — own it and learn to say, “I don’t know…but I’ll find out.”  If it’s something you’re not comfortable with not knowing – get out there and research the answers.
• Can’t control a situation? Hooray! You won’t believe how wonderful it is to let go of things (and people) you can’t control. Try it, you’ll like it.
• Journal about your best self. Dream a little dream and write down how you’d envision yourself as if you were living out that dream.
• Learn to speak loudly and clearly so others can understand you on the first try. The simple task of having to repeat yourself too many times can tug at your confidence.
• Consider reading a book or taking a course on assertiveness.
• Team up with a social + emotional intelligence coach to help you make shifts toward increased personal power.

Sometimes it’s helpful to take a step back and look at yourself in third person. It is hard to see a friend not stand up for themselves and allow themselves to be walked all over. Think of yourself as a friend and treat yourself with dignity, respect, and honor as you learn to stand tall and live out your life as you desire. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, especially when not doing so threatens your confidence, health, and mental well-being. Practice saying no when appropriate and release the guilt that can accompany not always putting others’ needs first.

We need people who will stand up for what they believe in, speak up for themselves, and act in a courageous way according to their values. It means living in integrity and is vital to strong leadership — and this world needs good leadership! Exercising personal power gives others something to follow. Always giving in to others, especially when it’s in conflict with your values will not benefit anyone. If you’re not used to standing up for yourself, this will be difficult – I get it – a lifetime of patterns can be hard to break.  But behavior can be changed. Isn’t it high time to learn to embrace and use your personal power?

“You have a lot more power than you are giving yourself credit for.  Please embrace it.”  — Queen Tourmaline

Article submitted by guest author Dennis Hooper

“There are only two kinds of people in this world–the realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going; the dreamers have already been there.”

     Robert Orben, author of Speaker’s Handbook of Humor and speechwriter for President Gerald Ford

There are visionary leaders, and there are vision-runner leaders. There are many more vision-runners than visionaries. Yet visionaries, when they are successful, usually garner greater public attention.

If you were alive in May of 1961, you’ll likely remember the surprising and inspiring words of President John F. Kennedy: “I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth.”

Following that visionary statement, many vision-runner leaders worked to achieve what seemed impossible at the time. Vision-runners are typically “in the trenches” dealing with the how, the where, and the when and by whom that makes “the what” achievable. They rarely gain public glory, but the accomplishment of inspiring visions would never occur without their leadership.

So, more than anything, this article is about collaboration and inter-dependence.

Let me clarify that a given individual is rarely entirely a dreamer or a realist, totally visionary or vision-runner. Few leaders have the privilege of specializing in only one or the other. Most of us are out there trying our best to accomplish both.

I realize that many of you never considered the distinction between visionary and vision-runner leaders. If you look back at your past history, however, you’ll likely identify more strongly with one or the other.

Although independence is valued in our society, no one is ever successful alone. I recently watched “The Pursuit of Happyness,” the movie describing the homeless years of Chris Gardner. Wikipedia describes Chris as “a self-made millionaire, entrepreneur, motivational speaker, and philanthropist.”

The movie is a powerful portrayal of personal tenacity and fatherly devotion to his son. A casual observer would also say it is a description of commanding independence. However, no one is “self-made.” Watch closely and you’ll see that many individuals contributed to Gardner’s ultimate success.

Even more individuals contributed to the successful landing on the moon in 1969. No leader is truly independent! I cannot overemphasize the powerful benefits and value of effective collaboration!

Visionaries are able to read the environment for opportunities. They push the envelope of ideas, generating initiatives and inspiring commitment. Sound mental images motivate and guide people in how to use their time and make choices. A powerful vision is a rallying call for a departure from the past–no more business as usual. The vision requires that people think, talk, and act differently.

However, even the most inspiring idea generates underlying apprehensions, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. Questions need answers. Obstacles require creative elimination. Bright ideas alone do not achieve desirable outcomes. Vision-runners empower and encourage the people doing the work.

Sometimes partners compete. As an outsider, I can see clearly the wasted energy and time consumed because of the subconscious choices made by each party. The visionary lacks patience or doesn’t heed feedback from those under his or her authority. The vision-runner generates unnecessary roadblocks or refuses to consider enhancements beyond the original idea.

However, it’s a work of art when partners value the skills and perspective of the other individual. Together, they model the vision. People observe what they do and see its consistency with what they say. Team members align with the concepts, and great progress occurs rapidly.

I encourage you to consider whether you are more of a visionary or a vision-runner. Whichever you happen to be, welcome a powerful colleague with a complementary skill and perspective, and start cooperating. I predict that delightful successes will begin to occur in a very short time.

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

If you admit to being over 40, you probably remember the movie Pollyanna, the story about a little girl who saw everything through rose-colored glasses. The phrase “You’re being Pollyannish” was coined to describe someone who naively sees only the positive side of a situation. You know those kind of people. The ones who are always smiling. The ones who always have a cheerful word, no matter what’s going on around them. The ones who never have a bad thing to say about another, and always walk with a bounce in their step. You know, the ones who are, well, annoying.

It’s as if the frustrating, negative, painful aspects of life can’t touch them. They only feel the ups of the ups and downs, the highs of the highs and lows. I don’t understand them. I once walked into a retail store on my lunch hour, brooding about a previous incident at the office that rubbed me the wrong way, and was greeted by an enthusiastic attendant who, stepping a little too close into my space, chirped a cheery “It’s a great day — how can I help you?” with a smile so sincere that I felt a stab of pain in aversion to the overflowing joy. I turned around and walked out. If I’m in a mood, I can hardly make eye contact with these eternal optimists, for fear their wide-eyed brightness will rub off on my foul state of mind…one that I’m happily relishing in the moment. Especially if I haven’t yet had my morning coffee.

There’s a reason Pollyannish optimists get under our skin. It’s one thing to be optimistic, and it’s another thing to be realistically optimistic. Optimists of the naive sort tends to gloss over the negative aspects of life and lacks experience and wisdom. Without these it becomes difficult to respect them or trust their reliability. They are hard to relate to and we tend to close up and not want to enter an authentic relationship with them because they just don’t get it. Realistic optimism, on the other hand, is the ability to expect success rather than failure, see opportunities instead of threats, and expecting the future to bring positive change, in light of negative circumstances. Realistic optimists know how to make others feel accepted by showing they understand that life can be tough — but they don’t let the tough times take them down. It’s not that realistic optimists don’t see the downside of situations; they’re just able to look ahead with confidence that things are going to turn out all right. Realistic optimism is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a far cry from being Pollyannish.

“If we define optimism broadly as the tendency to maintain a positive outlook, then realistic optimism is the tendency to maintain a positive outlook within the constraints of the available “measurable phenomena situated in the physical and social world” — Sandra L. Schneider

People who possess this valuable skill are able to think clearly and stay focused when under pressure, restrain negative responses that will cause the situation to deteriorate, and manage impulsive feelings even in trying moments. In effect, they can adjust their emotional responses to fit the situation at hand. Without this competency, we tend to react impulsively, are quick to anger, can be defensive, and may become agitated, depressed or sullen when faced with stress on the job or at home.

Wondering which you are? Here are 5 traits of a realistic optimist:

• ·        You view negative circumstances as surmountable
• ·        You perceive setbacks as a challenge rather than a sign of defeat
• ·        You operate from a mindset of taking action vs. inaction from fear of failure
• ·        You recognize that unpleasant events are temporary
• ·        You temper negative self-talk with a knowing that you will succeed

Exercising realistic optimism can great affect your productivity and ability to enjoy your daily work. Realistic optimism is not a personality trait but a learned behavior that can be developed. One way to increase this competency is to practice gratitude. A study was done by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough on the impact gratitude has on our well-being. They put people into three groups — one group with instructions to simply keep a daily journal, no specifications as to content. The second group was to only record negative experiences, and the third to make a list of things they were thankful for. The results? Those who daily expressed their gratitude experienced less stress and depression and had higher levels of enthusiasm, energy, and determination, concluding that those in the third group were more likely to make progress toward the achievement of personal goals and exhibit an optimistic view of life.

“To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.” — Robert Emmons

If you struggle with an outlook of realistic optimism, try tuning into your self-talk about the adversities in your life. Take notes on the how you hear yourself describing your setbacks–and your responses to them. Dispute the negative beliefs and look for evidence of successes, avoiding phrases like “this always happens to me” or “I’ll always fail at this”.  A great resource for developing realistic optimism is Martin Seligman’s book, Learned Optimism.

An optimist, in the words of the late Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, is “…a man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.”

How’s the scenery from your tree?

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

I tried to lie once.

It was winter in Colorado, when outdoor fun is a way of life as the snow envelopes the mountains. Funds were tight but I’d determined to take my three small children skiing. I’d collected ski gear at various thrift stores and concluded I could offer them this amazing experience on a frugal budget. Bundled up in their mix-and-match ski wear, they could hardly contain their excitement as we headed out of the city on our adventure.

I waited in line at the ticket window to purchase our lift tickets and noticed a sign that read “Children under the age of 5 ski free”.  Free–that word caught my attention like the burst of icy wind that hit our faces at 9,000 feet elevation. My older two were well over that age — but my youngest had just turned six years old a couple of weeks ago.  Immediately my brain went into scheming mode.  “I could tell them she’s five.  She just turned six, so it won’t matter. She’s small for her age anyway…I could get away with this — and save $55!”  So, when my turn came up, I asked for our three tickets and, patting my little one on the head, said “This one’s free.”  The attendant smugly looked at me and asked, “What’s her birth date?”  I flushed and panicked.  Do I add a year or take away one to her actual birth year? Subtract, yes. I quickly blurted out an answer and he grinned smugly, and said, “Yeah…that would make her seven.”

I was caught red-handed.  I paid the full price for her and walked away in embarrassment, not wanting to make eye contact with my three children looking at me with their innocent eyes wondering why mom had flat-out lied. How do you explain to kids that I was trying to get around the system? That I wanted to bend the rules for my benefit? That I wanted to pay less that others needed to pay by not telling the truth?  I avoided the situation and distracted them by heading to the ski lift lines.  Later that day, caught up in my guilt, I decided that lying about her age just wasn’t worth it.

It’s a silly story, I know, but one that made an impact on me.  It is so easy to be dishonest in the little things.  It’s not a big deal, right?  Or is it?

Integrity is the ability to maintain high standards of honesty and ethics at all times, even when no one else is watching. Those who have high integrity do what is right, even if it’s not personally rewarding.  They build trust in others through their reliability.  They are authentic.  They’re not afraid to admit their mistakes and confront unethical actions of others. They can take the ethical stance despite its unpopularity. They keep their word, give accurate reports, and treat all people with the same level of respect.

Think of the people in your life — how many of them can you say live in integrity in their personal lives? It’s a tall order to fill and not many are able to pull it off. Far too often, their own self-interests take precedence over doing what is right…especially if they think no one is watching.

The workplace is susceptible to a lack of integrity as well.  How many coworkers have you heard make it sound like they did most of the work on a project when you know you did?  Or fudge just a bit on recording work hours? Or spend a little too much time on social media during work time? How does that make you feel when you are working hard?  And we all love those who brag to a coworker about their depth of connection with the boss, when we know it’s just not true, right? Those who are dishonest in the little things can be annoying.  But are there greater consequences?

A study done in 2000 titled Human Communication Research (Kim B. Serota, Timothy R. Levine, Franklin J. Boster), showed that:

1-The average person tells 1.65 lies a day. Sounds low? It’s possible some participants lied about the extent of their lies!

2-40.1% admitted to telling a lie in the past 24 hours

3-22.7% of the lies told were committed by one percent of participants

Do these figures surprise you? If you asked yourself how many times you stretch the truth in a day, and in the last 24 hours, how would you answer?

Those who are low in integrity tend to be impulsive, thinking only of the ‘now’ vs. long-term outcomes.  Most often they haven’t taken the time to sort out what their belief systems are and what values they hold as important. Those with low integrity tend to show little independent thought and are easily influenced by others, often caving to peer pressure.

“The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office.” –Dwight D. Eisenhower

If we continually act with our own interests in mind, especially if our choices are wrong, others will not be able to trust us.  And trust is key to effective leadership.  In an article by Michael Ray Hopkin in 2012, he says:  To succeed as a manager you must live with integrity. It’s crucial for managers to build trust with the teams they work with and depend on. Trust grows through meaningful interaction with your teams and consistent application of proven principles. Developing trust and leading with integrity will increase the confidence others have in your work. When engineers, salespeople, marketers and others have confidence in their product managers, they will do amazing work. (https://leadonpurposeblog.com/2012/01/21/leadership-and-integrity/)

But living without integrity can also harm ourselves. You know how it works.  You lie, then need to cover up the lie, then need to make sure you tell the story the same way if it ever resurfaces, all the time worrying if you will be found out.  The stress and angst that comes from covering up the truth can be agonizing, and keep you up at night, eroding self-confidence and assurance.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” –Cheryl Hughes

Those who aren’t able to act with integrity need not be stereotyped as a “bad”. Integrity is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a behavior which can be learned. Consider completing an integrity inventory, to see how you’re doing (Contact us for a free inventory). If you would like to grow in integrity, consider engaging a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to help you  begin to make behavior shifts.   In the meantime, try  these developmental tips:

• Establish a clear picture of what your values are.  Know what you stand for — what you believe, what you’d fight for, what will stand the test of time.  Jot down fifteen values that are most important to you and prioritize them. Post these somewhere where you’ll see them often.
• Ask yourself this question: Is my behavior consistent with these values?  Going back to your list, circle the ones that you’ve lived out this week. Journal about the circumstances in which you acted according to your values- and notice the situations where you tend to shy away from your values.  Is there a pattern?
• Consider the consequences of living in dishonesty. What effects does your lack of integrity have on your mental well-being?  on your physical well-being?  on others?
• Envision what your life would look like if you incorporated more integrity. What specific circumstances would be affected and how?

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” –Barbara De Angelis

Date: Monday, July 9, 2018

Time: 5-6 pm Eastern time, USA

This FREE, interactive online webinar will give you an overview of social and emotional intelligence and its impact on individual lives, relationships, and employee engagement.

The first 20 people who register and attend this online class will receive a FREE Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile (SEIP)®, one of the most statistically-reliable and scientifically-validated S+EI instruments on the market today, to begin your own journey down the path of social and emotional intelligence.

Even if you can’t attend, go ahead and register and we’ll send you a recording of the webinar that you can listen to on your own time.

“Leaders with higher social & emotional intelligence produce more powerful business results and greater profitability.” –Steven Stein

Register today to secure a seat in our upcoming Coach Certification Course and become a certified Social + Emotional Intelligence Coach! Upon completion of this online course, you’ll receive 12 recertification credits from the ICF, HRCI, or SHRM, and be certified to administer the Social + Emotional Intelligence Profile®, one of the most statistically-reliable and scientifically-validated S+EI assessments on the market today!

Click here to learn more or register:  https://isei.worldsecuresystems.com/BookingRetrieve.aspx?ID=75666&_ga=2.202564948.432306638.1528727301-1952273065.1507918976

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Check out our interview published this week with Russell Cullingworth, Founder of ProDio Audio Learning Inc. and People Development Specialist: “What’s the hype about EQ?”

CLICK HERE: http://prodiolearning.com/course-details.php?course_id=MTI=

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Article contributed by Amy Sargent

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” — Abraham Lincoln

“If we only tune in to the ugly parts of our lives, which we all experience from time to time, what an ugly life we’ll lead!“

“Life is like a sandwich! Birth as one slice, and death as the other. What you put in between the slices is up to you. Is your sandwich tasty or sour?” — Allan Rufus

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

Integrity is an essential aspect of emotional intelligence. Yet, “studies have found that we are quite willing to cheat for monetary gain when we can get away with it. We also tend to lie to about 30 percent of the people we see in a given day.”

Do you maintain high standards of honesty and ethics? Are there times when you choose not to and are you aware of those triggers that ‘allow’ you to choose a ‘lower road’?

Read more in this terrific article by Christian B. Miller: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_can_we_become_better_humans?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=d4dd3fb1e5-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_GG_Newsletter_May+23+2018&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-d4dd3fb1e5-70747947

“Leaders with higher social & emotional intelligence produce more powerful business results and greater profitability.”

–Steven Stein