Article Contributed by Amy Sargent

Do you have someone in your life you’re not speaking to? That one you haven’t forgiven, or let go of the hurt they inflicted? The one that said the mean, hateful words behind your back, or who fired you without cause, or who offended you by their selfish actions? Broken relationships sit in our stomach like a sick pit and can leave us handcuffed to some pretty ugly emotions.  Listen, the pain you’re feeling — it’s valid. The hurt that comes from a friend is probably one of the worst. And the feelings that accompany that hurt are no fun to deal with — loss of appetite, listlessness, depressed, sad…you probably have your own set of feelings you can add to the list.

And while we can’t fix all relationships that end…we can choose to forgive the hurt and let it go.

Is it time to let that someone in your life off the hook?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ”  — Carrie Fisher

For some, the word forgive has religious overtones, and reminds us of a nicety we learned in Sunday School. “Forgive and you shall be forgiven.” But the word simply means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  Simple, right? Just stop feeling angry and resentful. Easier said than done, I know. I mean, they hurt you.  It was uncalled for. Out of the blue. Done in a very poor manner, in a way that may have embarrassed you, or in what felt like a personal attack on your personality or character.  The natural reaction is anger or resentment and that is completely normal. Our next step (and often a healthy next step) is to close off that friendship, at least for a time being, to reduce any chance of further hurt. This is a normal way to protect ourselves and a stage of the grieving process when a friendship is lost.

But how long you get to hang on to the hurt and resentment? Of course there is no formula, no time table, that works for everyone. The time it takes to heal and forgive is going to vary with each of us. But know this — the longer we hang onto the hurt and resentment, the more comfortable we get with those feelings, and the harder it is to let them go. It can easily become our new ‘safe place’, like a cozy blanket we curl up with on the couch. It is warm and comforting and keeps us insulated from the pain. But it also can keep us on the couch and prevent us from moving forward. You’ll know if you’re settling in with it. You’ll play back the situation where the hurt happened over, and over, and over again. You’ll hear yourself talking about it to others — often. You’ll have pretend conversations with the person in your head, finally saying all the things you wish you could’ve said to them in the moment.  And then — you’ll do the same the next day. And the next. And the next. And I get it. Again — it hurt, and hurt, well, hurts! But the longer we wait to let something go,  the more comfortable it’s going to become, and the harder it can be to release those ugly feelings.  The thought of forgiving can be frightening. I mean, what would we do if we reconciled? Would we have to get our lives together and move on? Possibly stop using it as an excuse and take some steps down a new path? And what would we talk about to our friends at the holiday party?!

The process of forgiving would be so much easier if the person came to you first and said I’m sorry. Got down on their knees even and begged you to forgive them. Sent you flowers.  Wrote you a long letter telling you how they so much wish they could take it back. Gave you money. Bought you a vacation. Announced to the world how wrong they were and committed to being forever in your service. Sometimes that happens. But sometimes it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, do you carry the anger and resentment until they do? Or…is there a different choice?

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” — Robert Brault

Change is hard. Forgiving someone is hard. Life is hard.  But we can do hard things.

Emotional intelligence allows us the ability to read how we’re feeling in the moment, and manage our behavior appropriately. Most likely you’re very aware you’re mad at this person. Pat yourself on the back — that is a good start and your emotional self-awareness is keen. But how is that behavior part going for you? How is holding on that anger and resentment working for you?

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.”  — Shannon L. Alder

The holiday season is a time to connect with loved ones, new and old. It’s a time of celebration, and laughter, and joy. Carrying the pain of a past hurt only dampens the holiday cheer. What a better time than this season to make the choice to let something go? Of course there will be those who have made choices that deem them unhealthy to let back into your life. You’ll need to determine the level of connection you maintain with the person depending on the safety and health of that person. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you now become best friends. But you can be free of the pain they caused. The choice to yours–to forgive, and be free.

It’s a tough thing to do, but the freedom you’ll feel on the other side will be worth it.  Is it time to give it a try?

I hope you do.  And if not now — maybe soon. Either way — at some point give yourself this precious gift of freedom. It’ll be the best gift you’ve ever received!

Wishing you the happiest of holidays.

Article contributed by guest author Dennis Hooper

We are approaching Thanksgiving, which means that Christmas is coming fast! It’s a special time of year for pausing and feeling grateful for our many blessings!

In October of 1863, during our bloody civil war, Abraham Lincoln issued an executive proclamation for a national day of Thanksgiving, to be celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November. It was not a new concept, as a day set aside for giving thanks had been celebrated in a variety of locations for years. Lincoln and many others hoped that an officially sanctioned NATIONAL holiday would contribute to restoring peace to the suffering disunited states.

As we approach Thanksgiving this year, would you be willing to experiment with setting aside a small amount of time EVERY day to express your gratitude for some unique aspect of your life? I started doing that a little over a year ago. I was deeply grateful for the experiences in my life to that point–and for the opportunities that I imagined still lie ahead for me!

This article has two purposes. First and primary is to encourage you to start a gratitude journal and work to keep at it for a significant amount of time. The second purpose is to provide a report on what the experience has meant to me–the two key insights that a year of daily reflections has provided.
Long-time readers may recall a similar article from years ago, 2006 to be precise. (You can find “The Gratitude Journal Challenge” on my Article Archives–address below.) Every day for a month, I acknowledged five items in my life for which I was grateful. Identifying 155 items without repeating any was quite a challenge, yet I found it both doable and deeply enjoyable.

In this recent effort–begun ten years after the first experience–my intent was to identify one item a day for a year. I expected to write about half a page each day; most entries wound up being longer.
Now, let me advocate that you consider starting a gratitude journal with the guideline being whatever you define. You can do five a day for a month, one a day for a year, or anything else you so desire.
Would you like to start in a fun way? Gather family and friends to watch the classic Christmas film, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” As soon as the movie ends, invite everyone to share examples of gratitude, affirming each other with enhancements and additions.

As the energy wanes, announce your plan to start a gratitude journal, explaining your intentions. Ask others to consider doing the same, to include perhaps periodically sharing what each of you have highlighted, appreciating your gratitude together.

Now, let me share my two overarching observations from a year of daily contemplations. First is that we’ve all been blessed with an amazing abundance of gifts that we did not earn, yet we’ve quietly accepted and treat as if they are entitlements. This awareness resulted in another article you can find on my website, “I Don’t Deserve This.”

My second recurring source of gratitude includes the many friends and family members who have meant so much to me throughout my life. I’m considering sending a hard copy of this article in my Christmas cards this year, highlighting my appreciation for the recipients. I am deeply grateful for both the good times we’ve shared and the hard times during which we grew together!

If you choose to generate a gratitude journal, I welcome you sharing your dominant insights with me. Maybe you’ll affirm these two. Maybe yours will be different. However, I can almost guarantee you that your daily outlook will be more positive than it is now.

That’s the point I want to make as I close. Yes, I’ve shared two content items that kept coming up for me from my daily reflections. However, what’s even more remarkable is that the process of daily focusing on blessings transforms over time from a challenge (“I can’t think of what to record tonight!”) to a contemplative choice (“Which one will I record tonight?”).

I won’t go so far as to say that “gratitude” becomes a habit. I will say that even in the most troubling of days, you’ll pick out blessings for which you are appreciative. Will your resulting attitude be one filled with more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control? Give it a try and send me a note, telling me how it has worked for you. I can assure you in advance, I’ll be grateful!

Add this unique niche to your coaching expertise!

Article submitted by guest author Arul John Peter

In the Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous (VUCA) business environment of today, leaders play a critical role. Leadership is all about influencing people’s behaviour, thoughts and commitment to achieve certain outcomes. Leadership is about being able to connect with others emotionally. Effective leaders are able to make people feel valued while getting things done. This is where the power of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) comes into play. Effective leaders recognise that without engaging and improving their mastery of EQ skills, sustained achievement will prove elusive.

However, as important as EQ continues to prove itself to be, research findings show that there has been a downward trend in global EQ score since 2011. With this decline in EQ, people are finding it more difficult to connect and collaborate with others. The research team believe that this decrease comes as a result of increased stress and chaos, all symptoms of the VUCA environment in which we operate. To be successful, organisations will need their leaders and managers to consciously make an effort to adopt a mindfulness approach to explore and master EQ Skills. Without actively working on improving EQ competencies, our workforce, and leaders in particular, will find it increasingly difficult to get anything done.

Why EQ is a Necessity

Emotionally Intelligent managers know how to connect with people to bring about a positive mindset by enabling them to experience a new meaning and purpose about the work and their contribution in the workplace. The Emotionally Intelligent Leader is able to focus on the intrinsic aspect of motivation in an on-going ‘flow’ mode.

Building an effective workplace through EQ skills is about creating and sustaining meaningful work to manage the outcomes that are critical to the success of the organisation. These outcomes consist of more than just the business dimensions, and also include the following:

• Job Satisfaction
• Lower levels of Stress at Work
• Employee Engagement
• Meaning and Purpose

Bringing Back the Humanity

One simple way leaders and managers can improve their EQ competency is to start treating their team members as what they are: Human. Leaders need to genuinely care about their people, and advance policies throughout the organisation that actually makes a difference to employee well being. As author Simon Sinek put it: the real job of a leader is not being in charge, but taking care of people in their charge.

Caring about team members, and understanding the motivations behind their actions and behaviour, gives Emotionally Intelligent Leaders an unparalleled advantage over their less EQ-inclined peers. By approaching tasks, dealings, and negotiations to fit the Wants, Interests, Needs, and Expectations (W.I.N.E.) of teammates, leaders will be able to get more done with less, while simultaneously creating a win-win situation for all parties involved.

Actively asking and understanding the W.I.N.E of someone allows leaders to provide exactly what is required in every circumstance. Whether its a recent graduate who is looking for mentorship, or a new parent who wants flexible working arrangements, understanding the W.I.N.E. of team members, and acting on this knowledge, shows that leaders, and in turn the organisation, actively care about its people. In the environment of today, I cannot think of a better answer to the VUCA elements around us than a workforce of highly motivated, loyal, and satisfied employees.

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

“What the World Needs Now Is Love” was a song recorded in 1965, made popular by Jackie DeShannon. The chorus lyrics are as follows:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone.

While there is no doubt in my mind that this world could use more love, I would like to propose one minor change to the words:

What the world needs now is emotional intelligence, sweet emotional intelligence,
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of
What the world needs now is emotional intelligence, sweet emotional intelligence,
No not just for some but for everyone.

Of course, it doesn’t have the same ring and flow of the original, but with reports of yet another mass shooting, and violence of varying degrees from domestic fights to conflicts at the international level, can anyone disagree that this world could benefit from a little more emotional intelligence? Imagine a world where we all could be aware of our how we’re feeling, whether negative or positive, and respond accordingly, managing our own behavior to have a positive impact on others? And add to that the ability to read how others are feeling, in the moment, and manage those relationships appropriately, improving competencies like communication, empathy, conflict management, teamwork & collaboration, just to name a few.  Can you dream with us about what a different world this could be?

Those of you who have been trained in emotional intelligence coaching are out there helping others realize that behaviors, especially negative ones, CAN be changed, and that we can ‘grow up’ in our social + emotional intelligence (S+EI). I have no doubt that you are making a positive impact on the clients, teams, and organizations you are working with to make this world a better place. We thank you and applaud you for your dedicated efforts to this cause.

But it’s not enough. As the lyrics of the song confirm, it’s not enough for just a few to possess emotional intelligence. It’s not just for some…it’s for everyone.

Help us spread awareness of the importance of S+EI and the positive impact it can have on our lives so everyone can benefit from it. Tell your friends and colleagues about it, share the articles we post on social media, and encourage those you know to start doing the work needed to change poor behaviors and raise our levels of S+EI. Present a workshop about it to your local Chamber of Commerce or Rotary Club. Write a blog about it. Talk about it with friends over dinner. Teach your children about it. Offer to give a talk at a local school. Take an assessment with your spouse and work with a coach to improve your relationship. Share one of Daniel Goleman’s books written about it with a coworker. Recommend S+EI coach training to other coaches you know, or if you haven’t already, consider taking it yourself. Have a trained professional come in and speak on it at your next company luncheon. The more of us who are actively involved in raising the awareness levels around S+EI, the more people can be aware of their own and others’ emotions, the more people who can start doing the work to manage behavior to create healthier, happier lives.

Sound too heavy? Maybe so. But we at the Institute happen to be big fans of social + emotional intelligence and place great importance on its relevance and impact upon our world. And the more people that can help with this the better. Contact us with questions or to learn more about how you can measure your own S+EI, or about becoming a certified S+EI coach, and join in a cause that can make a difference.

No, not just for some, oh, but just for everyone…

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

We are learning more and more about the importance of social and emotional intelligence in the workplace and its impact on healthy relationships, as we work with adults in our coaching practices, leadership roles, and human resource responsibilities. Hiring teams are now asking questions that speak to emotional intelligence in the selection process and more and more coaches and HR representatives are guiding their teams to incorporate EQ into their day-to-day practices for better company health.

But what about our kids?

The importance of integrating social + emotional intelligence into schools, learning institutions, and families (where kids can be impacted at a young age with an emotionally intelligent mindset) is on the rise. In an article in the Huffington Post written by Anna Partridge, published June 18, 2016, she says, “If we foster EQ with our children when they are young, we are setting them up to communicate well, develop strong relationships, negotiate tricky situations, be leaders in their field…they will be more empathetic and compassionate to their friends, partners and own children, relate more easily to others and have a greater self-awareness.”

Do you agree?

If you’re in the field of education, we’d like to hear from you. How are you bringing social + emotional intelligence awareness to students, teams of instructors and professors, and parents? Do the kids you know exercise emotional intelligence in the classroom, on the playground, and within their families? At what age do you think social + emotional intelligence should be introduced?  Are you using assessments to measure EQ in our youth? If not, why?

Send your thoughts and stories to us at info@the-isei.com.

Have an interest in bringing S+EI to our young people?  Join other professionals with a heart for emotionally intelligent children in our social media groups:

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ISEIYouth/

LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8438206

Article submitted by guest author Harvey Deutschendorf

3 levels of empathy…which one does your boss have?

Fiona was Corrie’s manager at a branch of a large financial institution that had branches across the U.S. Europe and Asia. They had recently come up with a new process that

Fiona was hoping that the organization would adopt throughout their operations. As Corrie was instrumental in developing the process and was a recognized expert in her branch on the topic, Fiona decided she would be the natural choice to present to the annual meeting of the U.S. division. While Corrie was very knowledgeable, she was somewhat of an introvert and not comfortable speaking to large numbers of people. The annual meeting would have up to 400 employees from various levels from all across the country. She meets with Fiona and discusses her concerns and anxieties concerning the presentation with her.

Corrie: “I’m not really good with talking to a lot of people. I get really nervous and have trouble concentrating on what I have to say. I wish someone else could do the presentation.” Below are 3 examples of how Fiona could have responded, indicating 3 levels of empathy:

Level 1

Fiona: “You’ll do fine. There’s nothing to it. You know this stuff better than anyone else around here.”

In this response Fiona showed a complete lack of empathy. She failed to even acknowledge Corrie’s anxiety over the presentation which would be the first basic step towards working towards a solution with her. Instead she dismissed Corrie’s feelings entirely leaving Corrie even more anxious and feeling completely unsupported and misunderstood. It has been reported that public speaking is one of the greatest fears that people have, even greater than dying. Jerry Seinfeld joked that at a funeral most people would sooner be in the casket than have to give the eulogy. Fiona should have been aware that Corrie’s fear was very real and normal. Corrie was an excellent employee who was not known for coming up with excuses and trivial complaints, therefore Fiona should have taken her concerns much more seriously.

Level 2

Fiona: “Lots of people have a fear of public speaking. I used to until I went to Toastmasters. Now I’m okay, even though I get a little nervous. There’s nothing wrong with being a little nervous. You know your stuff well, so you’ll be okay. “

In the second response Fiona at least acknowledged Corrie’s anxiety. She did not address it, however, only speaking about it in general terms and talking about her own experience. She did not invite Corrie to help her look for ways to lesson her anxiety. As a result Corrie still feels that her concerns were not taken seriously and addressed in a caring manner.

Level 3

Fiona: “Sounds like you are feeling really stressed over the thought of having to do this presentation.”

Corrie: “Yeah, I get knots in my stomach and tongue tied when I have to talk in front of a group of people.”

Fiona: I remember feeling like that up to a couple of years ago whenever I had to present something. Since I started going to toastmasters a couple of years ago I’ve been able to lose a lot of my anxiety, although I still get a bit nervous. Have you ever considered going to something like toastmaster? It really helped me.”

Corrie: “I probably should. I’ve heard good things about it. A friend of mine has been with them for 5 years and always wants to take me as a guest. This presentation is only a couple of weeks away and toastmaster won’t help me this time.”

Fiona: “Is there anything I or anybody else on the team could do to help. Would it help if you did a trial run at our unit meeting this Thursday? You don’t have any problems talking to our group and it might help you feel more confident. If you want I can set up a meeting with Garret in Communications. I hear that he has some good exercises that you could work on that might take off some of that anxiety load that you’re carrying. If you want more practice I can talk to the folks in unit C about doing a trial run of your presentation at their unit meeting next Thursday. You know all of them pretty well and the more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll become. That’s the way it’s always worked for me anyways.”

Corrie: “Sure, I’ll give it a try. Maybe once I’ve done it a few times in front of people I know I’ll feel better.”

In this instance Fiona showed good empathic listening skills. She responded directly in a caring manner that indicated that she understood where Corrie was coming from. Corrie felt that she was heard, understood and cared about. Having been in Corrie’s shoes, she used this to build trust and understanding towards working towards a solution that they both could live with. She explored with Corrie some ideas that she had that might help her get the fear monkey off her back, or at least lighten his weight. It would have been better if Fiona had let Corrie come up with her own solutions to her anxiety. In this case, Fiona felt that Corrie’s anxiety would limit anything she could come up with on her own. Besides, time was running out and they did not have the luxury of a long term plan. Overall it was a great example of the effective use of empathy. Chances are Corrie will become more confident and will do a good job in the presentation. She knows she had the support of her boss and coworkers and her relationship with Fiona will become stronger. If things go well, she will come away feeling more self- confident. She may also feel grateful to Fiona for believing in her enough to not take the easy way out and give the presentation to one of her coworkers.

https://comicvine.gamespot.com

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

You hear a lot about emotional intelligence these days, but what do you know about social intelligence? Social intelligence is the ability to be aware of how others are feeling, in the moment, and manage your behavior in a way that nourishes the relationship. Social intelligence is two-fold: 1-social awareness and 2-relationship management.

Social awareness comes in the form of empathy, situational insight, and having a heart to serve others, all qualities within ourselves we can develop with the help of assessments to establish self-awareness, good coaching, and old fashioned practice-makes-perfect. Learning to put yourself in other’s shoes, picking up on social cues, and doing kind things for others–like buying that box of doughnuts on National Doughnut Day–are skills you can push yourself to embrace and improve upon. Managing relationships can be a little tougher. Whenever people are involved, it’s suddenly no longer just about us (the part we have jurisdiction over). As much as we’d like to, we just can’t control what others do. But what we can do is focus on our behavior that can help elicit a desirable response from others.

Learning others–who they are, what they are motivated by, where they’ve come from, where they want to go–is a skill that gives us insight into how to manage our relationships toward positive connections. It’s especially important in leadership as we aspire to steer and guide our teams. In order to motivate and inspire employees to reach company objectives and goals, we have to know what makes them ‘tick’. And it’s not a one-size-fits-all formula. While doughnuts may do the trick for some, others want you to show an interest in their personal life, remembering their birthday and their kids’ names, while others are simply motivated by a raise. Each person comes with their own unique set of history, schema, personality, and skill sets, and discovering what those are with each team member can take a lot of effort — and time.

“Employees who believe that management is concerned about them as a whole person – not just an employee – are more productive, more satisfied, more fulfilled. Satisfied employees mean satisfied customers, which leads to profitability.” –Anne Mulcahy

Statistics show that it may be worth the effort. In a study done by Dale Carnegie Training, they found that $11 billion is lost annually due to employee turnover. Companies with engaged employees outperform those who don’t by 202%. And the shocking reality check: 71% of all employees are not fully engaged.(www.dalecarnegie.com/employee-engagement)

The good news is that relationship management skills can be learned and improved. After an insightful self-assessment into your social + emotional intelligence, teaming up with a certified social + emotional intelligence coach can help you begin to make shifts in these vital areas of relationship health:

• Communication
• Interpersonal effectiveness
• Powerful influencing skills
• Conflict management
• Inspirational leadership
• Catalyzing change
• Building bonds
• Teamwork & collaboration
• Coaching & mentoring others
• Building trust

Learning to develop a keen sense of awareness for others’ feelings, needs and concerns, and responding accordingly, can be a great factor toward the success of your endeavors.

“Connect the dots between individual(s) and the goals of the organization. When people see that connection, they get a lot of energy out of work. They feel the importance, dignity, and meaning in their job.” –Ken Blanchard