Posts Tagged ‘Intentionality’

Article contributed by Amy Sargent.

Good intentions often get a bad rap. As T.S. Elliot once said, “Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.” Angela Blount, in her book, Once Upon a Road Trip, observed, “Well-meaning people are sometimes the most dangerous.” And how many times have you had good intentions, only to watch those plans fall by the wayside when the first obstacle arose?

And then there’s this one: “The road to [h-e-double-hockey sticks] is paved with good intentions.”

Linking evil, danger, failure, and eternal suffering to good intentions doesn’t necessarily make intentionality sound like a trait worth pursuing.

But being intentional is a competency of emotional intelligence, and, despite what you may have been told, a good intention is the fuel which powers a goal. Neal Shusterman, an American best-selling author, puts it this way: “But remember that good intentions pave many roads. Not all of them lead to hell.”

Intentionality can be defined as thinking and acting deliberately, choosing a path flocked with purpose. Those who are intentional know what it takes to determine outcomes, and feel they have some control over their path and future.

You may know people like this. They are good at making decisions, decisions which actually lead them toward their goals and objectives. Their actions are consistent and they are able to stay focused on their intentions and manage distractions well. They are clear about what they want in life and make concerted effort to bring it to fruition. Their day-to-day choices are aligned with their values and guide them to reach both short and long-term goals.

These kind of people set intentions, good intentions, and carve out a lifestyle which leads them there.

Those who are not intentional — guess what? — do not lay out intentions. They tend to shy away from setting goals and allow themselves to be “tossed by the prevailing winds of life”. They are easily distracted from their ideals, whether it be personally or professionally, and seem to head down paths which lead nowhere. If asked, they struggle to define their values, are unclear about the outcomes they seek, and don’t seem to have a plan as to how to get where they want to go.

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice.”

–William Jennings Bryan

If this describes you, take heart! Emotional intelligence is something which can be developed. With some concerted effort, you can begin to shift toward being more intentional. You may be tempted to wait to start when the timing is better, or when your tough circumstances change. However, today is a great day to start.

“It is always your next move.”

–Napolean Hill

Here are a few ways you can work toward becoming more intentional:

• Recognize that today is a new day. If you haven’t been especially intentional until now, it’s time to lay that behavior aside and make a fresh start. Instead of holding yourself to an already-established identity (“I’m just not a goal-setter”), give yourself permission to become more intentional. Start with a simple statement and say it out loud: “I can and will become more intentional.”
• Identify a few areas of your life in which you’d like to improve. Write them down. Then, step back and ask yourself, for each, “In an ideal world, what would I want to see happen here?” These are your good intentions. This is a brainstorming session, so try to suspend judgement and let the ideas flow. Write down anything that comes to mind. If you get stuck, start with long-term goals (10+ years down the road) and then scale back to shorter-term goals.
• Align your values. In order for intentions to be good intentions, they need to align with your values. What is most important to you? What qualities do you respect most in others? What do you value most in yourself? What things would you sacrifice all to preserve? List out your top ten values and be specific. Take a moment to note why each value is a priority to you. Then look back at your intentions and make sure they allow you to live out these values.
• Take note of your typical distractions. What are the things that have caused you to veer from your goals in the past? What hurdles do you often trip over? Is it fear? Is it a lack of resources? Do you get bored easily? Jot these down and familiarize yourself with them, so you can recognize them when they decide to show up. In addition, what obstacles do you foresee coming up which may slow you down or keep you from reaching your goals? Take note of these as well.
• Turn each intention into a goal statement. Use phrases like “I will…” and “I plan to…” . For example, if you set an intention to become a better public speaker, you could say, “I will improve my public speaking skills.” Speak them aloud and write them down.
• Decide what steps you need to take to accomplish each intention. Be specific. Don’t worry about the order of operations yet — just write down all of the steps you can think of which would be needed to reach that goal, no matter how fantastic or untouchable they may seem. For example, you may need to take a class, read a book, or save some money.
• Create a plan. Which of the above steps would be the easiest to do first? Which one makes the most sense to start with? Which one will give you an instant sense of accomplishment? This can be tough to determine on your own, so don’t be afraid to ask a colleague or close friend, or enlist a coach to help.
• Adopt the belief that you are in control of your destiny. As American business executive and writer Jack Welch once said, “Control your destiny, or someone else will.” No one but you is responsible for your success. Owning the process allows you to recognize your ability to choose the direction(s) you’ll take.
• Take that first step. Often, the hardest part of a plan is taking that first step in a new direction. Break larger tasks into bite-sized chunks and do one thing, today, to get started. Once you get moving toward change, the momentum will power you along down the path of intentionality.
• Celebrate wins along the way. Don’t be afraid to celebrate small successes as you work toward your larger goals! This can provide a boost of positive emotions and feeling of success which can keep you going forward.
• Keep walking. At the start of each day, determine the one step you’ll take before the sun sets. Then take that step. Imagine, after one month, you’ll have taken 30 steps toward your goal!

Living the life you want starts with setting good intentions.

Why not lay out some good intentions today?

“Be proud of yourself. Be proud that your heart and intentions are good. Be proud of the fact that you are trying.”

–Richelle E. Goodrich

                                                                                        

Article contributed by Amy Sargent.

It’s a new year, which means a blank canvas for new goals, objectives, and intentions. How can you be sure to get started on the right foot?

Being intentional is a competency of emotional intelligence. It’s that ability to act deliberately, moving in the direction you want to move, and knowing what it takes to get there. It’s possessing a sense of confidence that you’re able to control your own outcomes by acting ‘on purpose’. Living with intention is a great first step toward attaining the life you want.

People who are good at this are able to make decisions that match up with their goals and values. They are able to stroll past distractions and stay focused on the objectives. They are consistent in their efforts and are clear, to themselves and others, about what they want to see happen in their lives. Their actions are deliberate and full of purpose.

“Intentional living is the art of making our own choices before others’ choices make us.” ― Richie Norton

When we struggle in this area, we tend to shy away from setting goals. We allow ourselves to be tossed around by the prevailing wind of the day…often by others’ opinions of what we should or shouldn’t be doing. The outcomes we seek are not clear and we are easily distracted by lesser important tasks and duties.

“Control your destiny, or someone else will.” — Jack Welch

When we succumb to letting others design our morning, day, week, month, year…life…we end up with a strong sense of missing out. Acting as if we lack the control to design our lives can lead to depression and a feeling of insignificance. On the contrary, being intentional about how we live and where we’re going can bring about an amazing sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

“It is only those that live intentionally that can accomplish and come to the significance meant for them.” ― Sunday Adelaja

So how do you get started on the right foot down the path of intentionality in 2019? Here are a few tips to try:

• Start by asking yourself, “What do I want?”  Think in terms of the ideal — not just ‘good enough’ — in all areas of your life — career, family, education, relationships, travel, finances, health, etc. Grab your journal and write down what each of those areas would look life in a perfect world. Give yourself permission to dream. If you’re struggling with categories, check out the CTI Assessment Wheel.
• Create a statement of positive intention for each. For example, in the area of career, you could write, “I will approach work with a positive attitude each day despite the circumstances”, or “I will ask my employer for a raise in March.” Be  bold.
• Believe that you can. Tune into the negative self-talk that you may be telling yourself and instead, replace those “I can’ts” with “I cans”. Positive thinking can go a long way in helping us reach our goals. Put a halt to negative self-talk immediately.
• Build a support team. Share your goals and ideals with your teammates, colleagues, friends, and loved ones. Let them know you’d like their help in cheering you on as you head toward these goals. Knowing others believe in you can help when you start to give in to self-doubt.
• Lay out a plan. This is when you get specific with your intentions. For each statement of positive intent, brainstorm ways to reach that goal. Cross out the ones that don’t make sense and narrow it down to 2-3 attainable steps. Bounce these off your support team and ask them for input. Set a timeline for each step.
• Remove the distractions. What hurdles are in the way of you attaining your goals? Maybe you need to delete a social media app from your phone for a while or cancel your online movies subscription. Possibly it’s best that you empty out unhealthy foods from your fridge, or lay out your exercise clothes each night before you go to bed.  List the distractions that are in your way then come up with some ways to move those aside.
• Give yourself a break. You’re going to have short-term fails, discouragement, and times when you miss. It’s OK. It’s normal to fall short here and there, but don’t let these stumbles knock you off course. Get up, brush off the dirt, and keep moving forward.
• Celebrate along the way.  Don’t wait until you reach the final outcome as you work toward goals — celebrate each step along the way! Lost 2 pounds? Hooray! Wrote the first sentence of that book? Yay! Brainstormed some ideas of kindnesses you can do for your loved one? Awesome! Learn to congratulate yourself as you go along, and treat yourself with the rich emotions of astonishment, joy, satisfaction, giddiness, and jubilation which come with carving out the life you want.

Sure, you could let another year pass you by not putting your best foot forward and setting intentions. It would probably be easier and take less effort. But before you resign yourself to a life where you are subject to circumstances, consider taking just one small area of your life, setting intentions, and going for it.  The joy you’ll receive in the endeavor will most likely prompt you to continue to live out other areas of your life with intention, and in doing so, you’ll inspire others to do the same.

“We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance.” — Benjamin Disraeli

 

Contributed by Guest Author Aimee Teesdale

Picture this. You’re on a bus on a cold and rainy day. The flow of traffic is barely moving. Everyone is wrapped in their own thoughts, except for an elderly lady at the back. She has giant earrings and frizzy hair that flaps around as she gestures and talks to herself:

“What did she say to me? Oh that’s rich. Honestly I can barely believe it. You know one of these days I’m going to… well will you just look at where we are! This bus is so slow I feel like I could scream. It’s poor city planning that’s to blame… If I have to take a bus one more time I think I’ll lose my mind. And who does she think she is anyway, talking to me like that…?

And on and on and on. For 20 minutes she sat there, ranting and raving, her fellow passengers doing their best to pretend they didn’t notice. It was clear to everyone on board that she was completely and utterly mad.

I felt bad for the woman. She seemed to have no control over her own thoughts, jumping from one to the other and back again, without even a moment’s rest. What a tormented life, right?

But then it occurred to me: weren’t we all doing exactly the same thing?

I looked at my fellow travelers and realized that the only difference with us was that we kept our crazy inner dialogue quiet! When I stopped to look at myself, my inner chattering wasn’t so very different from the “crazy” lady’s at the back of the bus.

While she seemed unaware and out of control with what was coming out of her mouth, I wondered how many of us on that bus could say the same of our thoughts.

Didn’t I sometimes get carried away with my own thoughts? Didn’t I also sit and stew over what someone had said to me or stress and worry over something that had already happened or might happen in the future?

And if it seems crazy when said out loud, why not also when it’s just an invisible thought?

At the heart of all personal development is the ability to be aware. Taking ownership of our thoughts and taking control of what we want them to be can only happen when we are aware of them in the first place.

Do you have any “thought traffic”? When was the last time you looked at the never-ending flow of thoughts and said to yourself, “hang on a minute, let me see what’s actually happening here”? Thoughts are light. Impermanent. Changeable. But they can only be changed when you’re aware that they’re there.

So, what would strangers on a bus think of your thoughts if they were said out loud?

If you struggle to snap out of thought traffic at times, here are some quick ways to train yourself to halt the flow:

• Do an easy breathing meditation. No need for incense and cushions, just remind yourself as often as you can throughout the day to stop and take two or three deep, cleansing breaths. Don’t force yourself to “think of nothing” either – just calmly notice the contents of your mind
• Use props – a good trick is to wear an elastic band round your wrist. Every time you glance at it, take a few moments to do a thought check. Are you stressed? Engaging in negative self talk? Worrying needlessly about things?
• Have a ritual. Start the day with a deliberate intention to be mindful and aware. This could be a little prayer, a morning walk, journaling or having a quiet cup of tea as you gather your thoughts. Gradually, it’ll be easier to get into that headspace at will.
• Lastly, pay attention to any clues your body may be sending you. If you notice tense shoulders, ask if you’re feeling stressed or anxious. Pay attention to aches, pain, fatigue or headaches. That weird feeling in your gut could be a powerful message, literally and figuratively!

Recommended reading:

 

 

 

Article Contributed by Guest Author Madalina Iacob

 

Article Contributed by Guest Author Doreen Lima, MBA, EIC

If I had to choose one word that has the power to transform lives in meaningful and substantive ways I would choose the word habits.

I have an incredibly talented client who is recognized as an emerging star in his field. He’s never held a 9 to 5 job, punched a clock other than his own, or depended on a corporate salary. Grateful to have found his calling early in life, he’s enjoyed great success doing what he loves and has a natural aptitude for. In fact, in the early days of his career everything seemed to happen effortlessly. However, years of coping with last minute changes in the scope of work, client expectations, and deadlines led him to develop some self-defeating habits that affected his work and personal life. As a result his creative output became rushed, predictable and joyless. He said to me, “My muse used to kick in and inspire me to create. Where has she gone? Why isn’t she doing her job?”

Distraction Limbo

While his muse had not abandoned him there’s no question that it was difficult for her to be heard over the din of the distractions he had built into his life. Habits of thought and action were keeping him trapped inside a perpetual mind and behavioral loop, one I choose to call distraction limbo.

A typical morning would find him sipping a cup of coffee while reading the morning papers. Then he would get online to check his emails, but he wouldn’t respond to them, preferring to deal with them later in the day. Next he would check social media sites, online magazines, newspapers, and forums. Then some of the postings or information he read would lead him to look up word definitions, viral videos, trending topics, or an article that caught his attention. This would last for hours or once in a while, an entire day. In between there would be long winded phone calls or the occasional extended lunch. Engaging in these time wasters resulted in being last on the conference call, late to a meeting or forgoing trips to the gym and social engagements. Suddenly many of his projects were getting done in reaction mode, with little planning or scheduling taking place. Only when he was really pressed by a request or a deadline would he get down to execution, usually sometime late into the evening.

How Habits Are Formed

Helping people like my client overcome self-sabotaging habits requires some understanding of how habits become habits in the first place. We know that repetition plays a role but science and study have shown forming a habit is more complicated than just repeating something over and over again. There’s a lot going on behind the mental screen. Some of the keys to habit formation are emotional intelligence skills such as self-awareness and self-regulation, coupled with a dose of brain chemicals that make us feel pleasure or avoid pain.

An excellent book that clearly lays out the science behind the formation of habits is The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg. In his book, Duhigg, an investigative journalist and New York Times reporter makes the case that habits are the brain’s way of taking a break.

Duhigg’s assertion makes sense. A habit is basically an automated action that allows the brain to get on with the higher level business of dealing with more complicated and intricate endeavors like making a decision, doing math or thinking about how to solve a problem. And because they are automated, once we ingrain a habit, it’s with us for life whether we engage in it or not. The saying “falling into old habits” is not just a cliché. It takes vigilance and commitment to maintain new ways of doing especially if we’re looking to replace disempowering habits like the type my client had grooved.

Cue. Routine. Reward.

As discussed by Duhigg, there are three parts to a habit; a cue, a routine and a reward (positive or negative). For example, your dog wakes you up every morning at the same time with a bark. That’s a cue. His bark signals you to take him out for a walk. Pulling on your sweats, looking for the leash and walking over to the dog park for 30 minutes of playtime is a routine. The reward for practicing the routine might be that you meet other dog owners with similar interests. When your brain receives the realization of the reward, for example the possibility of expanding your social circle, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good, which in turn reinforce the routine. The upshot is that the next day you will gladly get up to take the dog out for his walk.

Positive & Negative Rewards

As we know not all habits are derived from positive stimuli. This was true of the habits my client employed to enable and reinforce procrastination. Distracting himself by engaging in mindless activities helped him avoid feelings of anxiety and stress but also shut down his access to higher level thinking. Unfortunately the quality of his work suffered because he was paying less attention to it and this in turn fed the fear that he’d lost his talent. He hadn’t. His feelings of stress were further compounded when he had to argue with himself to get work completed. The inner dialogue that resulted from this self-argument began to blanket his life with a sense of malaise and futility. He was doubting his abilities because he couldn’t get on with the job of creating.

It’s to be noted that overriding a habit formed by negative stimuli is a little more difficult because of the way our brains have evolved over time.

Choice: The Midbrain or Prefrontal Cortex

To further understand the formation of habits it’s helpful to know that the midbrain, the epicenter of the rewards circuit, and the pre-frontal cortex, the place where reasoning lives, are often at odds with each other when we’re determining what course of action to take.

The midbrain is the place that drives us to search for things like food and shelter. This is where fear and anxiety hang out. The midbrain is older than the pre-frontal cortex and as a result, thanks to its more established circuitry, will often (but not always) triumph over reason.

For my client, the first step toward disabling his habits of procrastination was to pose and answer the question “what is the real cost of frittering away my time?”

Based on the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and fear he was experiencing, his immediate in-denial answer was, none. His choice to engage in mind numbing distractions like watching YouTube videos was deemed necessary to keep his anxiety at bay whether he was conscious of his decision or not.

The rational viewpoint on the other hand held that my client’s relationships, earning power, client base and creative projects were left wanting due to his increasingly time consuming habits of procrastination. He also suffered from insomnia because all of the feelings he was trying to tamp down during the day occupied his thoughts when he tried to sleep. In addition, opting to spend time on the internet in lieu of exercising had begun to impact his health. The consequences of his actions were measurable.

Answering the question about the real cost of his habits led him to fully understand and acknowledge the impact of his choices, but interestingly didn’t incite him to take action or make changes. If anything, it caused more anxiety because he wasn’t taking action.

When he explored a second question “what are you really searching for” he realized something he hadn’t considered. He was living a lonely professional life. There was no one to bounce ideas off of; no one to help sharpen his thinking. Although he employed a virtual assistant as well as the occasional personal assistant, they weren’t enough to amp up his game where projects were concerned, and because he passed some of his days without an in-person interaction of any kind, spending time commenting on blog posts, chatting in forums, and tweeting gave him a sense of belonging and connection. What he hadn’t counted on, what he hadn’t realized, was just how much he needed regular real-time, in-person connections with his peers to challenge and inspire him.

Learning of this need was the reason his pre-frontal cortex won the day. He made a deliberate and conscious choice to stop feeding the habits of procrastination. He sensibly concluded that if he found ways to increase moments of face-to-face contact with peers in his industry he could replace his “time frittering” habits with new ones that would empower him and bring him back to a more productive way of being.

New Habits

The key to establishing these new habits began with a support group. He brought together local professionals he knew or had heard of, working under similar circumstances. Since its inception, this group meets once a week for breakfast to discuss issues, workloads, ideas, and opportunities. The goals of the group are similar in some measure to the intentions and structure of a well-run mastermind group. In addition, every month two members pair off as accountability partners. They trade off calling each other on weekday mornings and speak for a total of 15 minutes (they set a timer) to review their daily agendas and share the previous day’s accomplishments. The buddy pairings have positively influenced and reinforced one of my client’s new productivity focused habits. The cue is the phone call. The routine is the daily agenda review. And, the reward is the ability to connect positively and constructively with another person every day. Good friendships and award-winning work collaborations have resulted.

Today my client still does some meandering on the net but it’s driven by professional need or scheduled as a reward break. Another new habit: twice a week he meets up with friends or participates in social, professional or community based events. Although this sounds like a relatively easy transition from one habit to another, it was not. His new habits are reinforced by a continued willingness to self-examine and remain self-aware, to look for solutions appropriate to the situation at hand, to engage the help of a support system, and to demonstrate a continued commitment to the routines required by his new habits of productivity. His rewards have been many and the voice of his muse has returned but my client is clear that his old habits survive in the crevices of his brain waiting to be called into action again if he so chooses.

 

 

Once in my career, my “boss” wrote my annual review in pencil. Yes, seriously. There was very little feedback on the actual form and when pressed, I learned he wrote it in the 15 minutes before I arrived in his office for our meeting. I felt devalued and like I was wasting my time. My trust was completely blown and my respect for him dropped immensely. The same person whose lips were saying, “I really want to see you succeed, how can I help?” was showing me through his actions that there was no intention to follow through.

As leaders, it is essential for us to “get it right” when it comes to coaching and mentoring others in our organization. These may be peers, direct reports, or even our superiors, as the need to manage up is crucial for our success. Giving positive, constructive feedback is key. I don’t mean the “pat on the back variety.” I mean real, meaningful feedback that allows the individual to truly know how they are doing, what can be done better, and celebrate specific successes.

When you are giving feedback in an annual review, or in the moment, be sure to use the following steps to maximize the value for the individual receiving it also for you.

• Be specific—provide specific examples of actions and behaviors that attributed to the outcomes. Balance the positive and the negative as much as possible. Avoid judgment in your specifics. Just the facts “ma’am.” And be genuine in your approach.
• Be timely—in an annual review, be careful of focusing only on events that have occurred recently. Instead, be sure you have collected successes and challenges from throughout the year. This should not be the first time your report should be hearing about either positive or negative situations. The annual review is a round-up; a time to review the progress being made. Feedback on performance should be ongoing to avoid surprises and maximize the opportunity for learning and growing.
• Show courage and compassion—don’t dance around if you are delivering difficult feedback to an individual. Get right to the point and offer suggestions for how improvements can be made. This provides the individual with hope and moves them into thinking about the future instead of the past. Make sure you affirm the talents and skills of the individual. Equally important for leaders is to not fool yourself. Do not excuse poor behavior or performance. You may need to show courage and compassion by cutting your losses. This can be freedom producing for both you and the individual.
• Be sincere and honest without demoralizing the person—empty praise is easy and just…well…empty. Likewise, words like “always” and “never” will lose your audience and they will not be able to see through their defensive lens. Do not go on the attack. This isn’t about putting someone in their place. Feedback is about helping someone rise to be a better version of themselves.
• Prepare, Prepare, Prepare—It is critical to spend some time thinking about what really needs to be said and the best way to say it. Ask yourself how you would receive the information presented they way you are considering? Do you need to make some adjustments? Are there extenuating circumstances that will make it easier or more difficult to hear feedback at this time?

Quality feedback increases trust, accelerates results, and ultimately impacts the bottom line. Great leaders have a gift for giving timely, effective feedback that moves those they are mentoring/coaching to the next level as they incorporate changes in their behaviors and performance practices.

To fully assess your current competence in Coaching and Mentoring Others and create a personalized development plan, contact the Institute for Social +Emotional Intelligence at Hello@The-ISEI.com or go to our website www.The-ISEI.com to learn more.

The quality of our lives begins with our intentions. Our intentions form our thoughts, our thoughts shape our actions, and our actions create our lives. When we move into and live with deliberate intention, we create conscious living.

Intentionality is one of the most powerful of the 26 emotional intelligence competencies. As coaches, we support our clients daily in improving the quality of their lives, and it all begins with setting powerful, compelling, energizing intentions.

Quick story: Carol is a renowned artist living in the mountains of Colorado, and her studio is a charming old cabin which sits behind her home, nestled in the woods. It’s heated with a wood stove.

When she first started using her studio cabin, Carol found the wood stove unable to keep the temperature to a comfortable level. She liked having the wood-stove and the ambiance it created in her studio, and they certainly had plenty of wood on their mountain property, so she began researching more efficient wood stoves and found the perfect one. The price tag, however, was a hefty $1,500.

Carol set her intention to find that wood stove for half that price. She posted a picture of the wood stove in her workspace and began checking online auction and advertising sites regularly. She also put her intention out in conversations with neighbors, community members, builders and remodelers. She even checked the want ads in the local paper.

Within three months, Carol found the exact model of wood stove she wanted, still new, in the box, for $750. A couple had purchased it for their basement, but then decided to move. They had never installed it, and wanted to re-coup some of their expense, and Carol was willing to pay $750.

Carol’s studio is now toasty warm and comfortable even on the snowiest Colorado days.

This is a very simple example of the power of intention, of course, and yet it illustrates how intentions can pull us forward, improving the quality of our lives.

Living intentionally means:

• creating a vision for our lives,

• acting deliberately, in alignment with our stated goals, values and priorities,

• taking the time to focus, recharge, breathe, meditate, and feel gratitude,

• pausing to experience life and all its joys, love and wonders.

Without clear intention, our energy is scattered and our actions are less powerful.

Learn more about the 26 competencies at www.The-ISEI.com

Life is a miracle.  It’s truly a marvel we are all here.

Throughout most of human history, life was dangerous and often downright deadly (still is in many places).

Over hundreds and thousands of years, our ancestors lived when others perished from war, famine, disease or accidents.

Amazingly, if you are reading this, none of our mothers, or their mothers, down through the centuries, died in childbirth.  None of our ancestors succumbed to the plague, wild animal attacks, raids from opposing armies, being lost at sea or myriad other tragedies that could have truncated our family tree.

Here we are.  Truly a wonder.   So the question becomes, what are your intentions for this miracle that is your life? 

As we enter a new year, this is a great time to ponder the question, and several others:

• Are you being intentional in how you design your life?  Or are you living according to how someone else thinks you should be living?

• Reactive or proactive?  Do you find yourself in the position where you are having to react to the events, demands and deadlines that life throws your way?  Or are you able to be proactive and strategic in pursuing what YOU think is important?

• Are you living your life being tossed about by the winds of chance or are you setting your own intentional course?

This blog post contains a great little exercise I sometimes give my clients as a reflection and planning piece at the end of the year.

This is not about new year’s resolutions, which we all know from the research (and experience) don’t really work.

It’s about the social + emotional intelligence skill of being intentional.

I hope you have the opportunity to take a little time over these last days of 2011 to do this exercise.  It involves 12 questions, and it’s best to journal your responses and then look back over your answers weekly (or at least monthly) and ensure you are moving forward on an intentional life course.

The Questions (you may wish to journal your responses)

1. As you reflect on this past year, what were your accomplishments, successes, breakthroughs, and/or achievements?  Please don’t skimp on these.  Make the list as long as necessary.  The little stuff counts.  NO modesty allowed.  It’s important to acknowledge and validate ALL your accomplishments.  Look through your organizer, your journal (if you keep one), memos, notes, letters, notes from our coaching calls, whatever might help to remind you.

2. Looking back over the year, what were your disappointments or the things you had hoped to accomplish but didn’t get to?  Please make a list.  It’s important to acknowledge these issues as well, as this is an ideal time to either let them go, carry them forward to continue addressing them (perhaps in new ways or with renewed vigor), or make a new promise.  Also note what (if anything) blocked or held you back from your goals/objectives, or contributed to your disappointments.

3. What have you learned about yourself and your life?  What insights have you gained?  Insights can shift us to a new, more alive place, helping us be more intentional and authentic in living our lives.  What insights have you gained?

4. What are you grateful for?  This list might include some of the above and anything else you truly appreciate about yourself and your life.  A sage once said there is a basic principle in life:  whatever you appreciate and give thanks for will increase in your life.
   

5. How about a celebration in honor of your accomplishments this year?  What would be a fun, special thing to do for yourself?
   

6. What is your theme or vision for the New Year?  This is not about resolutions or specific goals with “do by” dates.  This is your vision or dream for the upcoming year.  What do you feel energy and excitement for?  What engages your imagination and feels compelling?  What do you really want out of life this year?  One of my clients chose as her theme, “adventure.”  Another chose, “to live life with greater ease.”  What’s the right theme for you?

7. As you look ahead to the new year, what are your three or four most significant goals?  You can have more if you wish.  Some people like to think in terms of setting goals in the following major areas of life (use one piece of paper for each category):
• Career and professional development (workshops, classes, books to read and expand your thinking?  Are you thinking of a promotion or new position?  Perhaps a new career?  Or even starting your own business?  Maybe even retiring?  What legacy do you want to leave?  What would you like from your career and professional development in the coming year?)
• Finances (what are your financial goals, like a certain amount of additional savings by the end of the year, learning new ways of investing, and other short-term and long-term financial goals?)
• Spouse, significant other or soul mate (what relationship is most important to you?  How can you keep the love and romance alive in your life?)
• Personal and spiritual development (how do you engage in renewal?  What are your interests, activities or hobbies beyond work that keep you alive and interesting?)
• Health and wellness (what are your plans for fitness, the right eating plan, and other healthy habits you wish to develop to keep yourself feeling strong, healthy, and “good in your skin”?)
• Fun and recreation (what fabulous adventures would you like to go on this year?  What fun, memorable and mind-expanding trips?  What else can you do to enjoy life, re-new and “re-create”?)
• Family and friends (they say “life is a journey” – who do you want along with you?  Interestingly, we get to choose to a greater extent than we may realize.  Who do you most want to spend time with?  How can you nurture the most important relationships?  And there are probably individuals whose paths you’ve crossed whom you’d like to get to know better or get closer to.  Identify them, and make a plan . . .  )

8. What are the top two or three things about your job or career that you most want to be different in 2012?  What, specifically, will you do to make the change?  What will “better” look like?  What resources do you need?  Who can help you get there?
   

9. What two or three changes do you most want to see in your personal life?  What will you do first to bring about these changes?  And then?  And then?  How will you know when you’ve achieved it?  How will your life be better or more fulfilled?  Envision it.  Write it down in rich and vivid detail.
   

10. What are you tolerating?   Make a list – even little things like a broken windshield or a missing jacket button sap a little energy each time we notice them, and cumulatively, they add up to feelings of frustration, diminishing (to some extent) our enjoyment of life.  Make a list of what you are tolerating (some people have 40-50 things on their lists – an annoying spot on the carpet, a disorganized closet or car, a cluttered office or desk), and systematically, one-by-one, start whittling your tolerations list.  You’ll be amazed how good you feel, and how much more energy you’ll have, when your tolerations list is whittled down to zero.

11. What do you need to tell yourself every day?  We all have a saboteur or two – those little voices in our heads that tell us we can’t do it, or we’re not good enough.  We ARE good enough.  What mantra or self-affirming statements can you instill in your daily internal dialogue to replace the negative?
    

12. What actions will you take to reach your goals and objectives in 2012?  What problems do you need to resolve?  What do you need to let go of?  And what actions will you take?

This exercise is designed to help you design and create your own life experience, take charge, gain clarity about what’s important and what you want, and get into action.  In social +emotional intelligence terms, it’s about the self-management competency of being intentional.

Remember, life rewards action.  Do some careful reflection and thinking, make sound decisions and then go for it.  Someone once said, “an ounce of action is worth more than a ton of thinking.”  Name it, then claim it and do it with every fiber of your being.

Life is a miracle.   What are your intentions for this miracle that is your life? 

I hope you can use this information to be more intentional in designing your life in 2012.

Talk to us:  We’d love to hear your thoughts.   Do you have techniques you use for being more intentional about designing your ideal life?   How do you go about it and what difference has it made for you in your life?   What might you take away from this post ?

Please feel free to forward this blog on to anyone in your network whom you know might be interested in this topic.  We hope you find it useful and we love to engage in dialogue about how you’ve used the information to make things better and more “right” in the world.

Article contributed by Howard Fox, MA, ACC

I facilitated a workshop on Social + Emotional Intelligence (S + EI) recently for the staff employees of a local university, and was struck by “Robert”, one of the participants.  What was most interesting was his general demeanor towards his job, and how he was preparing himself and his employer for his last years prior to retirement.  Repeatedly during the session, Robert would state, “Why should I care? What does it matter? And, I’ll do what I need to do until I retire.”

As a consultant/manager, my reaction might be, “well, if this is the way you feel, how would you like to start your retirement early?”

As a coach, my reaction was:

• How are these thoughts serving or not serving those around you in this room?
• How are these thoughts serving YOU/or not serving you in creating a legacy for yourself?
• How important is creating a legacy to you?
• What would you like your peers and co-workers to remember you for?
• What impact do you think your last years prior to retirement will have on you and others once you retire?

The workshop structure prevented me from fully engaging in a private coaching session with Robert, but if he did seek me out for individual coaching, there are a number of S+EI competency development strategies that I would use to assist him in creating awareness, insight, and possibility for what the remaining working and retirement years will have in store.

A successful coaching strategy could entail working with Robert across many of the S+EI competencies, but a number of competencies seem ideal in helping this individual work through the issues at hand:

Self Awareness – What does a “day-in-the-life” look like for Robert?  How does he feel waking up in the morning prior to going to work?  How does he feel at the end of the day?  What parts of the job does he enjoy the most, and what part the least?  How would he like to feel on his first day of retirement?

Personal Power – What parts of the job provide him with the greatest opportunities to solve problems and make a difference?  What does he do to relish in these achievements?  What parts of the job do not give him the satisfaction that he seeks?   What would it take to exert control over the things that he does not receive satisfaction in doing?  Or, what would it take to feel in control and make things happen? What are his dreams for retirement?  What does he envision these days to look like?

Initiative – What are the top five initiatives he would like to see happen in his job that will enhance the capabilities and effectiveness of his department before he retires?  Of these five initiatives which one could he undertake today?  What support from management or co-workers does he need to undertake these initiatives?

Service Orientation – It is said that people remember their interactions with us if they are treated in a helpful, respectful manner, and that the quality of these interactions drives their perception of satisfaction with their experience of us.  What would managers, peers, and co-workers have to say about their interactions with Robert?  How often does he make himself available when others need his assistance?  How often does he assist in completing a task or support an organizational initiative because it’s the right thing to do, not because he grudgingly (and sometimes loudly) feels he has to?

Intentionality – What activities could Robert plan for and undertake to ensure these remaining work years are as productive and valuable as possible for him and his organization?  What plans could he put in place and see through that would ensure his department can continue to function successfully after he’s gone?  And for his retirement years, what does he want to achieve for himself and his family? What kind of support does he need to produce this plan and make it actionable?

Interpersonal Skills – What opportunities does he have to interact with his peers and co-workers?  How can he ease the interpersonal transactions in the workplace?  How can he bring people together and find common purpose and direction?   An understanding of the Robert’s DiSC profile or Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI) would add to his interpersonal awareness and development.

Inspirational Leadership – What steps can Robert take to create a vision for his department?  What means does he use to communicate the importance of his vision and get buy-in from his manager, peers, and subordinates?  How often does he share his ideas and thoughts about how work ought to get done or new initiatives that ought to be undertaken?  Chances are, Robert has a great deal of insight into these arenas since he’s been with the organization for a good long while.

Coaching and Mentoring Others– As Robert prepares to create a vision and plan for how his years prior to retirement will unfold, what steps is he taking to prepare his colleagues for his departure?  What development, mentoring, and training will he undertake to prepare the staff?  How often does he provide constructive feedback and acknowledge and recognize the progress they are making?

Concluding Comments
The opportunity to coach an individual like Robert is a chance to help someone create a positive and lasting legacy, and plan for how they might enjoy and thrive in their retirement years.  There is no certainty of the events that Robert’s organization will face after he leaves, or what he might face during retirement.  What is certain is that being aware of and developing his social + emotional intelligence will help him show up and be confident in his ability to leave a lasting legacy, support the growth and development of others who will be stepping into his shoes, and in the long run, feel  a sense of pride.  Much better mindset than sitting back and asking, “Why should I care? What does it matter?” day after day, year after year until he retires.  Research suggests he’ll even enjoy better health and is more likely to thrive in retirement as a result!