Posts Tagged ‘Intentionality’
Starting the year on the right foot
Article contributed by Amy Sargent.
It’s a new year, which means a blank canvas for new goals, objectives, and intentions. How can you be sure to get started on the right foot?
Being intentional is a competency of emotional intelligence. It’s that ability to act deliberately, moving in the direction you want to move, and knowing what it takes to get there. It’s possessing a sense of confidence that you’re able to control your own outcomes by acting ‘on purpose’. Living with intention is a great first step toward attaining the life you want.
People who are good at this are able to make decisions that match up with their goals and values. They are able to stroll past distractions and stay focused on the objectives. They are consistent in their efforts and are clear, to themselves and others, about what they want to see happen in their lives. Their actions are deliberate and full of purpose.
“Intentional living is the art of making our own choices before others’ choices make us.” ―
When we struggle in this area, we tend to shy away from setting goals. We allow ourselves to be tossed around by the prevailing wind of the day…often by others’ opinions of what we should or shouldn’t be doing. The outcomes we seek are not clear and we are easily distracted by lesser important tasks and duties.
“Control your destiny, or someone else will.” — Jack Welch
When we succumb to letting others design our morning, day, week, month, year…life…we end up with a strong sense of missing out. Acting as if we lack the control to design our lives can lead to depression and a feeling of insignificance. On the contrary, being intentional about how we live and where we’re going can bring about an amazing sense of accomplishment and self-worth.
“It is only those that live intentionally that can accomplish and come to the significance meant for them.” ―
So how do you get started on the right foot down the path of intentionality in 2019? Here are a few tips to try:
- Start by asking yourself, “What do I want?” Think in terms of the ideal — not just ‘good enough’ — in all areas of your life — career, family, education, relationships, travel, finances, health, etc. Grab your journal and write down what each of those areas would look life in a perfect world. Give yourself permission to dream. If you’re struggling with categories, check out the CTI Assessment Wheel.
- Create a statement of positive intention for each. For example, in the area of career, you could write, “I will approach work with a positive attitude each day despite the circumstances”, or “I will ask my employer for a raise in March.” Be bold.
- Believe that you can. Tune into the negative self-talk that you may be telling yourself and instead, replace those “I can’ts” with “I cans”. Positive thinking can go a long way in helping us reach our goals. Put a halt to negative self-talk immediately.
- Build a support team. Share your goals and ideals with your teammates, colleagues, friends, and loved ones. Let them know you’d like their help in cheering you on as you head toward these goals. Knowing others believe in you can help when you start to give in to self-doubt.
- Lay out a plan. This is when you get specific with your intentions. For each statement of positive intent, brainstorm ways to reach that goal. Cross out the ones that don’t make sense and narrow it down to 2-3 attainable steps. Bounce these off your support team and ask them for input. Set a timeline for each step.
- Remove the distractions. What hurdles are in the way of you attaining your goals? Maybe you need to delete a social media app from your phone for a while or cancel your online movies subscription. Possibly it’s best that you empty out unhealthy foods from your fridge, or lay out your exercise clothes each night before you go to bed. List the distractions that are in your way then come up with some ways to move those aside.
- Give yourself a break. You’re going to have short-term fails, discouragement, and times when you miss. It’s OK. It’s normal to fall short here and there, but don’t let these stumbles knock you off course. Get up, brush off the dirt, and keep moving forward.
- Celebrate along the way. Don’t wait until you reach the final outcome as you work toward goals — celebrate each step along the way! Lost 2 pounds? Hooray! Wrote the first sentence of that book? Yay! Brainstormed some ideas of kindnesses you can do for your loved one? Awesome! Learn to congratulate yourself as you go along, and treat yourself with the rich emotions of astonishment, joy, satisfaction, giddiness, and jubilation which come with carving out the life you want.
Sure, you could let another year pass you by not putting your best foot forward and setting intentions. It would probably be easier and take less effort. But before you resign yourself to a life where you are subject to circumstances, consider taking just one small area of your life, setting intentions, and going for it. The joy you’ll receive in the endeavor will most likely prompt you to continue to live out other areas of your life with intention, and in doing so, you’ll inspire others to do the same.
“We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance.” — Benjamin Disraeli
The Lunatic Behaviour We Are All Guilty Of
Contributed by Guest Author Aimee Teesdale
Picture this. You’re on a bus on a cold and rainy day. The flow of traffic is barely moving. Everyone is wrapped in their own thoughts, except for an elderly lady at the back. She has giant earrings and frizzy hair that flaps around as she gestures and talks to herself:
“What did she say to me? Oh that’s rich. Honestly I can barely believe it. You know one of these days I’m going to… well will you just look at where we are! This bus is so slow I feel like I could scream. It’s poor city planning that’s to blame… If I have to take a bus one more time I think I’ll lose my mind. And who does she think she is anyway, talking to me like that…?
And on and on and on. For 20 minutes she sat there, ranting and raving, her fellow passengers doing their best to pretend they didn’t notice. It was clear to everyone on board that she was completely and utterly mad.
I felt bad for the woman. She seemed to have no control over her own thoughts, jumping from one to the other and back again, without even a moment’s rest. What a tormented life, right?
But then it occurred to me: weren’t we all doing exactly the same thing?
I looked at my fellow travelers and realized that the only difference with us was that we kept our crazy inner dialogue quiet! When I stopped to look at myself, my inner chattering wasn’t so very different from the “crazy” lady’s at the back of the bus.
While she seemed unaware and out of control with what was coming out of her mouth, I wondered how many of us on that bus could say the same of our thoughts.
Didn’t I sometimes get carried away with my own thoughts? Didn’t I also sit and stew over what someone had said to me or stress and worry over something that had already happened or might happen in the future?
And if it seems crazy when said out loud, why not also when it’s just an invisible thought?
At the heart of all personal development is the ability to be aware. Taking ownership of our thoughts and taking control of what we want them to be can only happen when we are aware of them in the first place.
Do you have any “thought traffic”? When was the last time you looked at the never-ending flow of thoughts and said to yourself, “hang on a minute, let me see what’s actually happening here”? Thoughts are light. Impermanent. Changeable. But they can only be changed when you’re aware that they’re there.
So, what would strangers on a bus think of your thoughts if they were said out loud?
If you struggle to snap out of thought traffic at times, here are some quick ways to train yourself to halt the flow:
- Do an easy breathing meditation. No need for incense and cushions, just remind yourself as often as you can throughout the day to stop and take two or three deep, cleansing breaths. Don’t force yourself to “think of nothing” either – just calmly notice the contents of your mind
- Use props – a good trick is to wear an elastic band round your wrist. Every time you glance at it, take a few moments to do a thought check. Are you stressed? Engaging in negative self talk? Worrying needlessly about things?
- Have a ritual. Start the day with a deliberate intention to be mindful and aware. This could be a little prayer, a morning walk, journaling or having a quiet cup of tea as you gather your thoughts. Gradually, it’ll be easier to get into that headspace at will.
- Lastly, pay attention to any clues your body may be sending you. If you notice tense shoulders, ask if you’re feeling stressed or anxious. Pay attention to aches, pain, fatigue or headaches. That weird feeling in your gut could be a powerful message, literally and figuratively!
Recommended reading:
What’s keeping you from your dream job?
Article Contributed by Amy Sargent
A few weeks ago I sat around the table at a restaurant with a group of friends, pondering the deep issues of life. I asked the group, as a whole, a couple of questions I love to propose to 40-50 somethings well down their successful career paths, because one, it gives me a little deeper insight into each of my friends, and two, it spurs me in my own quest of being more intentional. The first question? “If you kept doing the job you are doing now, until the day you die, would you be a happy man/woman?”
The “until the day you die” part always gets a laugh. Images of ourselves still working with wrinkled skin and tired bodies and grayed hair passing out smiley face stickers at Walmart flash through our minds. Those in their prime don’t naturally spend a substantial amount of time thinking about the end of their days…we’re far too busy with keeping up with the present. But upon my insisting, for the moment, my companions indulge me. There is always one person at the table who quickly answers with a resounding “Yes! I love what I do!” and they launch into the heartfelt story of their life work and how fulfilling they find it to be. “I’m so lucky” is the normal conclusion to this narrative, as the rest of us sit there, with an uneasy mix of emotions (inspiration/envy/regret) stirring in our core. The remainder of the group, and it is almost always the other 9/10 people in the group, respond to the question with either a sheepish grin or a violent look of utter repulsion. “Until the day I die — no way?!” “Um, no, if I could find something else next week I would!”, “Wow, that’s a long way away — I hope not, but you know, it pays the bills…”
When the answer is no, it’s fun to dig a little deeper. “If you could do anything you wanted — your dream job — no matter the impact it would have on your finances, status, anything! — what would it be?” This is when the conversation gets interesting. With the barriers of what we’re ‘supposed’ to do, or ‘expected’ to do, or ‘need’ to do lifted, creative, colorful descriptions of dream careers begin to unfold. “I wanted to go into interior design…” “I always have wanted to write…” “I’d like to get paid to travel…” One friend told me once they always wanted to rescue polar bears. Not kidding. “I wish I could help people in need more directly…” “I’ve always wanted to have that place on the beach…” The tales go on and on. It’s funny, most are hesitant at first–almost embarrassed–to admit what their dreams are made of. It’s as if speaking of something so removed from what seems practical is almost a sin. Or silly at least. It’s interesting to watch the faces come alive as indulge in the fantasy. Their eyes light up and they get that dreamy, far away look as if imagining, for a moment, how different life would look if it had ‘played out’ down that path.
You can guess my follow up question, which often takes just a breath of liveliness from the conversation, turning it bittersweet. “So what’s stopping you from pursuing it?” Silence. Crickets. A shoulder shrug, hands thrown up, a smug sneer. You know the answers. Just ask yourself the same question if you’re a “no” person. Money, responsibilities, ‘We have kids now’, I can’t switch careers at this point in life, I’d have to take classes, I wouldn’t know where to start….on and on the varied–yet very valid–excuses erupt.
Intentionality. It’s that ability to live our life in a way that is intended and planned to reach a desired outcome. It’s thinking and acting on purpose, deliberately, making small, everyday choices that lead us to where we want to go. I think Jack Welch said it well: “Control your own destiny, or someone else will.”
People with this competency of emotional intelligence are able to make decisions that are consistent with their goals. Their objectives and subsequent actions are a good match. They are clear about what they want to happen in their lives, and make consistent effort to get there. In other words, they create the life they want.
If you’re someone who can answer with a “Yes, I love my work”, then good for you. You are a rare breed and could be a huge help in motivating the rest of us to follow in your footsteps. If not– take heart. The terrific thing about competencies of emotional intelligence is that where we are, today, isn’t necessarily where we have to be tomorrow. Emotional intelligence can be learned and we don’t have to stay stuck. Being more intentional is something we can learn, nurture, and develop, and it can be done by taking very small first steps. For starters, think of one thing–just one–that you would like to accomplish before you die. List out the reasons you have for not getting there yet. I know, they are valid reasons. Look at your list, acknowledge them, validate them…then set them aside. In a new column — list one step, one single small step that you could take this week to make a shift toward that goal. Maybe it’s researching the options to take that class, or talking to others who are successful in that area, or just allowing yourself to journal to begin dreaming again. Giving yourself permission to embrace the astonishment and joy that comes with actively creating richer, more meaningful work and experiences can grant you the belief that you do have a say in your destiny. Because you do.
I like what Benjamin Disraeli, a British politician, writer, and two-time prime minister, said:
“We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance.”
I realize you may never want to sit with me at my dinner table. These questions are uncomfortable, and can make us squirm, and worst (best) of all go home with that nostalgic notion that maybe, just maybe, I could. Know that I’m right there with you. We all have unrealized dreams that can bring about regret if we dwell there too long. But just a touch of intentionality is like a fresh, light breeze that stirs change, like catching a whiff of springtime in the air after a long, cold winter. And it’s this change that can lead to a strong headwind that fills our sails–sails that we all know have been sitting motionless way too long.
Just wait ’til you hear what I ask over dessert.
Research proves happiness makes you younger and successful in life
Article Contributed by Guest Author Madalina Iacob
Our internal state is directly correlated with how we age, our health and success in life. Happiness is a relative term, and it is unique to a person’s personality, desires and values in life. Unhappiness comes from lack of self-awareness in knowing what you truly want in life, and therefore bouncing all over the place living conditions others live, because you think living them will make you happy as well. This is the scenario where you compromise or give up your dreams in order to fit in with the majority. The unpleasant surprise you discover afterwards is that you just created responsibility and complications in your life, with situations you don’t really want, and that will make you even more hopeless and depressed.
Unhappiness also comes from you knowing what you want but feeling powerless in getting those life circumstances.
With every negative though we have we’re releasing chemicals into our body, constantly changing our cell’s genetic information which will then show up as wrinkled and dull complexions, hollow eyes, illnesses and pains in the body, addictions and poor performance at work.
On the other hand, when we are happy, we look younger because our internal state reverses and erases the usual marks that come with biological age. Our skin glows, is elastic, resilient and tends to repair itself more easily. Because we feel good about ourselves we are full of energy, there’s a sparkle in our eyes, we smile and laugh a lot and look for opportunities to enjoy every moment to the fullest. We tend to make healthier choices for our body, mind, soul and excel in our careers.
Positive emotions lower blood pressure and cardiovascular disease, undo the effects of stress and make people playful and smart. Happy people are concerned with what makes them joyful, set priorities and get everything they want at the right time through focus, positive expectation and determination.
Passion for what they do in life brings them inner knowledge, and generates positive emotions such as enthusiasm, wonder, excitement and joy of living. All of these emotions expand their awareness and thinking abilities, their creativity soars and their mind opens up with curiosity integrating new intellectual abilities.
Harvard positive psychologist Shawn Achor in his book “The happiness advantage” shares his research results: “We found that optimism is the greatest predictor of entrepreneurial success because it allows your brain to perceive more possibilities. Only 25 percent of job success is based upon IQ. Seventy-five percent is about how your brain believes your behavior matters, connects to other people, and manages stress.”(1)
Moreover, contrary to mediocre beliefs that happiness is not in our control, he shows that happiness can be cultivated: “Genes are really important to happiness, but that’s based upon the cult of the average. What that means is that the average person doesn’t fight their genes. So if you’re born with genes for obesity or for pessimism, and you don’t change your behavior, then your genes win. Happiness comes easier to some people, but happiness is a possibility for all, if we change our behavior or our mindset”(2)
Spokeswoman for Google, Jordan Newman, Ph.D. in industrial and organizational psychology, says the company’s philosophy is to create the happiest, most productive workplace in the world. Why? Because Google knows that happy employees outperform unhappy ones, and that the emotional fitness will generate creativity and problem solving abilities for their software developers.
Google was one of the first corporations to create a wonderland labyrinth of play areas for their employees, in order to increase productivity. They have massage chairs, kitchens or sunny outdoor cafeterias with chaises that serve free food and beverages at all times, free yoga and Pilates classes, football tables and slides, vintage subway cars or Lego play stations, and secret doors leading to private reading areas. All these amenities are meant to change the neurology of the employees, so they can engage better and become more creative. There have been studies done, and the discoveries show that our brain absorbs information at a much faster rate when we are having fun (3) Think back of one of your favorite professors and remember how you got to like the subject so much more because of their personality and teaching style.
As your SI, NLP and EQ coach I am here to help you easily change your mind set, so you can become aware of what you truly want, and learn to produce empowering emotions which will be used as fuel and become a catalyst for behavioral change. You cannot change your external life conditions if you don’t stop to look inside, figure out what you truly want, and then change your mindset, emotional make-up and behavior to create those life conditions. We are very much programmed by our parents, teachers and society at large to believe and value certain things, to fit in with the norm. But there comes a moment in life when you see that even though you have been following all the rules, and you might have all that you should, you don’t feel happy or fulfilled. Every great idea or innovation in the history of human kind has been considered crazy, dangerous or impossible until one person believed otherwise and made it a general accepted truth. Anything is possible and in your power, as long as you have a clear mind, use your emotions to empower yourself, and have fierce determination for what you want.
From personal experience I can tell you that even though by society’s standards I was a successful person in every area of my life, I was not happy, and I had to completely give up all security and start fresh. Coming to US after going for Law School in my native country, I decided to switch fields and do Business Administration and then Positive Psychology because I always dreamed of having my own business and helping people live better lives. At 26 I had a great job working in the Finance department of a large corporation and married my high school sweetheart. Even though by society’s standards I was an accomplished person on the rise, inside I felt like a stranger in my own life. I did not like my job, I only liked the money I was making, and I did not feel connected to my husband anymore, even though he has always been the most loving man I could have asked for. Maybe to blame is the fact that we met at a very young age and have been living together since I was 16 and he 19, or maybe the fact that we did not know how to meet each others needs as we matured.
There was a war going on inside of me with one side saying “you have everything a woman can ask for”, and another side saying you will have a safe life but there is so much more beyond that.
So I started my training in the field of coaching, and told my husband I want a divorce. Even though I regretted hurting him with my decision of getting a divorce, I felt it was wrong for us to stay in a safe marriage where I didn’t feel alive and he didn’t feel appreciated. The passion was always there and that is what kept us together for 14 years. The only problem was that of not listening to the other without losing our patience, and starting a fight out of nothing. Both of us having fiery temperaments, we unconsciously drained ourselves with fights and that created a disconnection.
I won’t lie, change is scary and leaves you vulnerable a lot of times, because all your fears will have to come to the surface, but the rewards are worth it. Once you face your fears you become stronger, and a deep knowing that you can be, have or do anything you want starts settling in. Once that empowered outlook in life is achieved, you start living authentically the life conditions you desire and your life gradually changes for the better.
You cannot trick your brain and emotions. If you’re pretending to everyone else through your words or behavior that you’re happy when in fact you feel discontent with your life choices, it will not help you change how you feel inside. What you feel inside will still show up outside, no matter how much you try to lie to yourself and others.
That is why finding your path, and making meaningful life choices is much more important than following what everyone else is doing. Most people live circumstances they don’t really want, because they feel pressured to compromise and fit in with the lifestyle of your regular Joe or Jane.
If you know that what you want is something different from what most people around you live, go for it, break the rules and make your own rules. Have the courage to be your own master and live a life which brings you happiness regardless of what lifestyle others say you should be living. Live life on your terms and believe in your dreams, if you want an extraordinary life.
Bibliography:
1-Achor, Shawn: The Happiness Advantage. Virgin Publishing. September 1st, 2010
2-Idem
3- Hanson, Rick Ph.D. Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science Of Contentment, Calm and Confidence. Harmony. Oct 8, 2013
Change Your Habits. Change Your Life.
Article Contributed by Guest Author Doreen Lima, MBA, EIC
If I had to choose one word that has the power to transform lives in meaningful and substantive ways I would choose the word habits.
I have an incredibly talented client who is recognized as an emerging star in his field. He’s never held a 9 to 5 job, punched a clock other than his own, or depended on a corporate salary. Grateful to have found his calling early in life, he’s enjoyed great success doing what he loves and has a natural aptitude for. In fact, in the early days of his career everything seemed to happen effortlessly. However, years of coping with last minute changes in the scope of work, client expectations, and deadlines led him to develop some self-defeating habits that affected his work and personal life. As a result his creative output became rushed, predictable and joyless. He said to me, “My muse used to kick in and inspire me to create. Where has she gone? Why isn’t she doing her job?”
Distraction Limbo
While his muse had not abandoned him there’s no question that it was difficult for her to be heard over the din of the distractions he had built into his life. Habits of thought and action were keeping him trapped inside a perpetual mind and behavioral loop, one I choose to call distraction limbo.
A typical morning would find him sipping a cup of coffee while reading the morning papers. Then he would get online to check his emails, but he wouldn’t respond to them, preferring to deal with them later in the day. Next he would check social media sites, online magazines, newspapers, and forums. Then some of the postings or information he read would lead him to look up word definitions, viral videos, trending topics, or an article that caught his attention. This would last for hours or once in a while, an entire day. In between there would be long winded phone calls or the occasional extended lunch. Engaging in these time wasters resulted in being last on the conference call, late to a meeting or forgoing trips to the gym and social engagements. Suddenly many of his projects were getting done in reaction mode, with little planning or scheduling taking place. Only when he was really pressed by a request or a deadline would he get down to execution, usually sometime late into the evening.
How Habits Are Formed
Helping people like my client overcome self-sabotaging habits requires some understanding of how habits become habits in the first place. We know that repetition plays a role but science and study have shown forming a habit is more complicated than just repeating something over and over again. There’s a lot going on behind the mental screen. Some of the keys to habit formation are emotional intelligence skills such as self-awareness and self-regulation, coupled with a dose of brain chemicals that make us feel pleasure or avoid pain.
An excellent book that clearly lays out the science behind the formation of habits is The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg. In his book, Duhigg, an investigative journalist and New York Times reporter makes the case that habits are the brain’s way of taking a break.
Duhigg’s assertion makes sense. A habit is basically an automated action that allows the brain to get on with the higher level business of dealing with more complicated and intricate endeavors like making a decision, doing math or thinking about how to solve a problem. And because they are automated, once we ingrain a habit, it’s with us for life whether we engage in it or not. The saying “falling into old habits” is not just a cliché. It takes vigilance and commitment to maintain new ways of doing especially if we’re looking to replace disempowering habits like the type my client had grooved.
Cue. Routine. Reward.
As discussed by Duhigg, there are three parts to a habit; a cue, a routine and a reward (positive or negative). For example, your dog wakes you up every morning at the same time with a bark. That’s a cue. His bark signals you to take him out for a walk. Pulling on your sweats, looking for the leash and walking over to the dog park for 30 minutes of playtime is a routine. The reward for practicing the routine might be that you meet other dog owners with similar interests. When your brain receives the realization of the reward, for example the possibility of expanding your social circle, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good, which in turn reinforce the routine. The upshot is that the next day you will gladly get up to take the dog out for his walk.
Positive & Negative Rewards
As we know not all habits are derived from positive stimuli. This was true of the habits my client employed to enable and reinforce procrastination. Distracting himself by engaging in mindless activities helped him avoid feelings of anxiety and stress but also shut down his access to higher level thinking. Unfortunately the quality of his work suffered because he was paying less attention to it and this in turn fed the fear that he’d lost his talent. He hadn’t. His feelings of stress were further compounded when he had to argue with himself to get work completed. The inner dialogue that resulted from this self-argument began to blanket his life with a sense of malaise and futility. He was doubting his abilities because he couldn’t get on with the job of creating.
It’s to be noted that overriding a habit formed by negative stimuli is a little more difficult because of the way our brains have evolved over time.
Choice: The Midbrain or Prefrontal Cortex
To further understand the formation of habits it’s helpful to know that the midbrain, the epicenter of the rewards circuit, and the pre-frontal cortex, the place where reasoning lives, are often at odds with each other when we’re determining what course of action to take.
The midbrain is the place that drives us to search for things like food and shelter. This is where fear and anxiety hang out. The midbrain is older than the pre-frontal cortex and as a result, thanks to its more established circuitry, will often (but not always) triumph over reason.
For my client, the first step toward disabling his habits of procrastination was to pose and answer the question “what is the real cost of frittering away my time?”
Based on the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and fear he was experiencing, his immediate in-denial answer was, none. His choice to engage in mind numbing distractions like watching YouTube videos was deemed necessary to keep his anxiety at bay whether he was conscious of his decision or not.
The rational viewpoint on the other hand held that my client’s relationships, earning power, client base and creative projects were left wanting due to his increasingly time consuming habits of procrastination. He also suffered from insomnia because all of the feelings he was trying to tamp down during the day occupied his thoughts when he tried to sleep. In addition, opting to spend time on the internet in lieu of exercising had begun to impact his health. The consequences of his actions were measurable.
Answering the question about the real cost of his habits led him to fully understand and acknowledge the impact of his choices, but interestingly didn’t incite him to take action or make changes. If anything, it caused more anxiety because he wasn’t taking action.
When he explored a second question “what are you really searching for” he realized something he hadn’t considered. He was living a lonely professional life. There was no one to bounce ideas off of; no one to help sharpen his thinking. Although he employed a virtual assistant as well as the occasional personal assistant, they weren’t enough to amp up his game where projects were concerned, and because he passed some of his days without an in-person interaction of any kind, spending time commenting on blog posts, chatting in forums, and tweeting gave him a sense of belonging and connection. What he hadn’t counted on, what he hadn’t realized, was just how much he needed regular real-time, in-person connections with his peers to challenge and inspire him.
Learning of this need was the reason his pre-frontal cortex won the day. He made a deliberate and conscious choice to stop feeding the habits of procrastination. He sensibly concluded that if he found ways to increase moments of face-to-face contact with peers in his industry he could replace his “time frittering” habits with new ones that would empower him and bring him back to a more productive way of being.
New Habits
The key to establishing these new habits began with a support group. He brought together local professionals he knew or had heard of, working under similar circumstances. Since its inception, this group meets once a week for breakfast to discuss issues, workloads, ideas, and opportunities. The goals of the group are similar in some measure to the intentions and structure of a well-run mastermind group. In addition, every month two members pair off as accountability partners. They trade off calling each other on weekday mornings and speak for a total of 15 minutes (they set a timer) to review their daily agendas and share the previous day’s accomplishments. The buddy pairings have positively influenced and reinforced one of my client’s new productivity focused habits. The cue is the phone call. The routine is the daily agenda review. And, the reward is the ability to connect positively and constructively with another person every day. Good friendships and award-winning work collaborations have resulted.
Today my client still does some meandering on the net but it’s driven by professional need or scheduled as a reward break. Another new habit: twice a week he meets up with friends or participates in social, professional or community based events. Although this sounds like a relatively easy transition from one habit to another, it was not. His new habits are reinforced by a continued willingness to self-examine and remain self-aware, to look for solutions appropriate to the situation at hand, to engage the help of a support system, and to demonstrate a continued commitment to the routines required by his new habits of productivity. His rewards have been many and the voice of his muse has returned but my client is clear that his old habits survive in the crevices of his brain waiting to be called into action again if he so chooses.
5 Easy Steps to Fabulous Feedback
Once in my career, my “boss” wrote my annual review in pencil. Yes, seriously. There was very little feedback on the actual form and when pressed, I learned he wrote it in the 15 minutes before I arrived in his office for our meeting. I felt devalued and like I was wasting my time. My trust was completely blown and my respect for him dropped immensely. The same person whose lips were saying, “I really want to see you succeed, how can I help?” was showing me through his actions that there was no intention to follow through.
As leaders, it is essential for us to “get it right” when it comes to coaching and mentoring others in our organization. These may be peers, direct reports, or even our superiors, as the need to manage up is crucial for our success. Giving positive, constructive feedback is key. I don’t mean the “pat on the back variety.” I mean real, meaningful feedback that allows the individual to truly know how they are doing, what can be done better, and celebrate specific successes.
When you are giving feedback in an annual review, or in the moment, be sure to use the following steps to maximize the value for the individual receiving it also for you.
- Be specific—provide specific examples of actions and behaviors that attributed to the outcomes. Balance the positive and the negative as much as possible. Avoid judgment in your specifics. Just the facts “ma’am.” And be genuine in your approach.
- Be timely—in an annual review, be careful of focusing only on events that have occurred recently. Instead, be sure you have collected successes and challenges from throughout the year. This should not be the first time your report should be hearing about either positive or negative situations. The annual review is a round-up; a time to review the progress being made. Feedback on performance should be ongoing to avoid surprises and maximize the opportunity for learning and growing.
- Show courage and compassion—don’t dance around if you are delivering difficult feedback to an individual. Get right to the point and offer suggestions for how improvements can be made. This provides the individual with hope and moves them into thinking about the future instead of the past. Make sure you affirm the talents and skills of the individual. Equally important for leaders is to not fool yourself. Do not excuse poor behavior or performance. You may need to show courage and compassion by cutting your losses. This can be freedom producing for both you and the individual.
- Be sincere and honest without demoralizing the person—empty praise is easy and just…well…empty. Likewise, words like “always” and “never” will lose your audience and they will not be able to see through their defensive lens. Do not go on the attack. This isn’t about putting someone in their place. Feedback is about helping someone rise to be a better version of themselves.
- Prepare, Prepare, Prepare—It is critical to spend some time thinking about what really needs to be said and the best way to say it. Ask yourself how you would receive the information presented they way you are considering? Do you need to make some adjustments? Are there extenuating circumstances that will make it easier or more difficult to hear feedback at this time?
Quality feedback increases trust, accelerates results, and ultimately impacts the bottom line. Great leaders have a gift for giving timely, effective feedback that moves those they are mentoring/coaching to the next level as they incorporate changes in their behaviors and performance practices.
To fully assess your current competence in Coaching and Mentoring Others and create a personalized development plan, contact the Institute for Social +Emotional Intelligence at Hello@The-ISEI.com or go to our website www.The-ISEI.com to learn more.
How Does Intentionality Create Quality of Life?
The quality of our lives begins with our intentions. Our intentions form our thoughts, our thoughts shape our actions, and our actions create our lives. When we move into and live with deliberate intention, we create conscious living.
Intentionality is one of the most powerful of the 26 emotional intelligence competencies. As coaches, we support our clients daily in improving the quality of their lives, and it all begins with setting powerful, compelling, energizing intentions.
Quick story: Carol is a renowned artist living in the mountains of Colorado, and her studio is a charming old cabin which sits behind her home, nestled in the woods. It’s heated with a wood stove.
When she first started using her studio cabin, Carol found the wood stove unable to keep the temperature to a comfortable level. She liked having the wood-stove and the ambiance it created in her studio, and they certainly had plenty of wood on their mountain property, so she began researching more efficient wood stoves and found the perfect one. The price tag, however, was a hefty $1,500.
Carol set her intention to find that wood stove for half that price. She posted a picture of the wood stove in her workspace and began checking online auction and advertising sites regularly. She also put her intention out in conversations with neighbors, community members, builders and remodelers. She even checked the want ads in the local paper.
Within three months, Carol found the exact model of wood stove she wanted, still new, in the box, for $750. A couple had purchased it for their basement, but then decided to move. They had never installed it, and wanted to re-coup some of their expense, and Carol was willing to pay $750.
Carol’s studio is now toasty warm and comfortable even on the snowiest Colorado days.
This is a very simple example of the power of intention, of course, and yet it illustrates how intentions can pull us forward, improving the quality of our lives.
Living intentionally means:
- creating a vision for our lives,
- acting deliberately, in alignment with our stated goals, values and priorities,
- taking the time to focus, recharge, breathe, meditate, and feel gratitude,
- pausing to experience life and all its joys, love and wonders.
Without clear intention, our energy is scattered and our actions are less powerful.
Learn more about the 26 competencies at www.The-ISEI.com
The Social + Emotional Intelligence Skill of Intentionality
Life is a miracle. It’s truly a marvel we are all here.
Throughout most of human history, life was dangerous and often downright deadly (still is in many places).
Over hundreds and thousands of years, our ancestors lived when others perished from war, famine, disease or accidents.
Amazingly, if you are reading this, none of our mothers, or their mothers, down through the centuries, died in childbirth. None of our ancestors succumbed to the plague, wild animal attacks, raids from opposing armies, being lost at sea or myriad other tragedies that could have truncated our family tree.
Here we are. Truly a wonder. So the question becomes, what are your intentions for this miracle that is your life?
As we enter a new year, this is a great time to ponder the question, and several others:
- Are you being intentional in how you design your life? Or are you living according to how someone else thinks you should be living?
- Reactive or proactive? Do you find yourself in the position where you are having to react to the events, demands and deadlines that life throws your way? Or are you able to be proactive and strategic in pursuing what YOU think is important?
- Are you living your life being tossed about by the winds of chance or are you setting your own intentional course?
This blog post contains a great little exercise I sometimes give my clients as a reflection and planning piece at the end of the year.
This is not about new year’s resolutions, which we all know from the research (and experience) don’t really work.
It’s about the social + emotional intelligence skill of being intentional.
I hope you have the opportunity to take a little time over these last days of 2011 to do this exercise. It involves 12 questions, and it’s best to journal your responses and then look back over your answers weekly (or at least monthly) and ensure you are moving forward on an intentional life course.
The Questions (you may wish to journal your responses)
- As you reflect on this past year, what were your accomplishments, successes, breakthroughs, and/or achievements? Please don’t skimp on these. Make the list as long as necessary. The little stuff counts. NO modesty allowed. It’s important to acknowledge and validate ALL your accomplishments. Look through your organizer, your journal (if you keep one), memos, notes, letters, notes from our coaching calls, whatever might help to remind you.
- Looking back over the year, what were your disappointments or the things you had hoped to accomplish but didn’t get to? Please make a list. It’s important to acknowledge these issues as well, as this is an ideal time to either let them go, carry them forward to continue addressing them (perhaps in new ways or with renewed vigor), or make a new promise. Also note what (if anything) blocked or held you back from your goals/objectives, or contributed to your disappointments.
- What have you learned about yourself and your life? What insights have you gained? Insights can shift us to a new, more alive place, helping us be more intentional and authentic in living our lives. What insights have you gained?
- What are you grateful for? This list might include some of the above and anything else you truly appreciate about yourself and your life. A sage once said there is a basic principle in life: whatever you appreciate and give thanks for will increase in your life.
- How about a celebration in honor of your accomplishments this year? What would be a fun, special thing to do for yourself?
- What is your theme or vision for the New Year? This is not about resolutions or specific goals with “do by” dates. This is your vision or dream for the upcoming year. What do you feel energy and excitement for? What engages your imagination and feels compelling? What do you really want out of life this year? One of my clients chose as her theme, “adventure.” Another chose, “to live life with greater ease.” What’s the right theme for you?
- As you look ahead to the new year, what are your three or four most significant goals? You can have more if you wish. Some people like to think in terms of setting goals in the following major areas of life (use one piece of paper for each category):
- Career and professional development (workshops, classes, books to read and expand your thinking? Are you thinking of a promotion or new position? Perhaps a new career? Or even starting your own business? Maybe even retiring? What legacy do you want to leave? What would you like from your career and professional development in the coming year?)
- Finances (what are your financial goals, like a certain amount of additional savings by the end of the year, learning new ways of investing, and other short-term and long-term financial goals?)
- Spouse, significant other or soul mate (what relationship is most important to you? How can you keep the love and romance alive in your life?)
- Personal and spiritual development (how do you engage in renewal? What are your interests, activities or hobbies beyond work that keep you alive and interesting?)
- Health and wellness (what are your plans for fitness, the right eating plan, and other healthy habits you wish to develop to keep yourself feeling strong, healthy, and “good in your skin”?)
- Fun and recreation (what fabulous adventures would you like to go on this year? What fun, memorable and mind-expanding trips? What else can you do to enjoy life, re-new and “re-create”?)
- Family and friends (they say “life is a journey” – who do you want along with you? Interestingly, we get to choose to a greater extent than we may realize. Who do you most want to spend time with? How can you nurture the most important relationships? And there are probably individuals whose paths you’ve crossed whom you’d like to get to know better or get closer to. Identify them, and make a plan . . . )
- What are the top two or three things about your job or career that you most want to be different in 2012? What, specifically, will you do to make the change? What will “better” look like? What resources do you need? Who can help you get there?
- What two or three changes do you most want to see in your personal life? What will you do first to bring about these changes? And then? And then? How will you know when you’ve achieved it? How will your life be better or more fulfilled? Envision it. Write it down in rich and vivid detail.
- What are you tolerating? Make a list – even little things like a broken windshield or a missing jacket button sap a little energy each time we notice them, and cumulatively, they add up to feelings of frustration, diminishing (to some extent) our enjoyment of life. Make a list of what you are tolerating (some people have 40-50 things on their lists – an annoying spot on the carpet, a disorganized closet or car, a cluttered office or desk), and systematically, one-by-one, start whittling your tolerations list. You’ll be amazed how good you feel, and how much more energy you’ll have, when your tolerations list is whittled down to zero.
- What do you need to tell yourself every day? We all have a saboteur or two – those little voices in our heads that tell us we can’t do it, or we’re not good enough. We ARE good enough. What mantra or self-affirming statements can you instill in your daily internal dialogue to replace the negative?
- What actions will you take to reach your goals and objectives in 2012? What problems do you need to resolve? What do you need to let go of? And what actions will you take?
This exercise is designed to help you design and create your own life experience, take charge, gain clarity about what’s important and what you want, and get into action. In social +emotional intelligence terms, it’s about the self-management competency of being intentional.
Remember, life rewards action. Do some careful reflection and thinking, make sound decisions and then go for it. Someone once said, “an ounce of action is worth more than a ton of thinking.” Name it, then claim it and do it with every fiber of your being.
Life is a miracle. What are your intentions for this miracle that is your life?
I hope you can use this information to be more intentional in designing your life in 2012.
Talk to us: We’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you have techniques you use for being more intentional about designing your ideal life? How do you go about it and what difference has it made for you in your life? What might you take away from this post ?
Please feel free to forward this blog on to anyone in your network whom you know might be interested in this topic. We hope you find it useful and we love to engage in dialogue about how you’ve used the information to make things better and more “right” in the world.
Preparing for Retirement – Why Social + Emotional Intelligence can help with your career transition
Article contributed by Howard Fox, MA, ACC
I facilitated a workshop on Social + Emotional Intelligence (S + EI) recently for the staff employees of a local university, and was struck by “Robert”, one of the participants. What was most interesting was his general demeanor towards his job, and how he was preparing himself and his employer for his last years prior to retirement. Repeatedly during the session, Robert would state, “Why should I care? What does it matter? And, I’ll do what I need to do until I retire.”
As a consultant/manager, my reaction might be, “well, if this is the way you feel, how would you like to start your retirement early?”
As a coach, my reaction was:
- How are these thoughts serving or not serving those around you in this room?
- How are these thoughts serving YOU/or not serving you in creating a legacy for yourself?
- How important is creating a legacy to you?
- What would you like your peers and co-workers to remember you for?
- What impact do you think your last years prior to retirement will have on you and others once you retire?
The workshop structure prevented me from fully engaging in a private coaching session with Robert, but if he did seek me out for individual coaching, there are a number of S+EI competency development strategies that I would use to assist him in creating awareness, insight, and possibility for what the remaining working and retirement years will have in store.
A successful coaching strategy could entail working with Robert across many of the S+EI competencies, but a number of competencies seem ideal in helping this individual work through the issues at hand:
Self Awareness – What does a “day-in-the-life” look like for Robert? How does he feel waking up in the morning prior to going to work? How does he feel at the end of the day? What parts of the job does he enjoy the most, and what part the least? How would he like to feel on his first day of retirement?
Personal Power – What parts of the job provide him with the greatest opportunities to solve problems and make a difference? What does he do to relish in these achievements? What parts of the job do not give him the satisfaction that he seeks? What would it take to exert control over the things that he does not receive satisfaction in doing? Or, what would it take to feel in control and make things happen? What are his dreams for retirement? What does he envision these days to look like?
Initiative – What are the top five initiatives he would like to see happen in his job that will enhance the capabilities and effectiveness of his department before he retires? Of these five initiatives which one could he undertake today? What support from management or co-workers does he need to undertake these initiatives?
Service Orientation – It is said that people remember their interactions with us if they are treated in a helpful, respectful manner, and that the quality of these interactions drives their perception of satisfaction with their experience of us. What would managers, peers, and co-workers have to say about their interactions with Robert? How often does he make himself available when others need his assistance? How often does he assist in completing a task or support an organizational initiative because it’s the right thing to do, not because he grudgingly (and sometimes loudly) feels he has to?
Intentionality – What activities could Robert plan for and undertake to ensure these remaining work years are as productive and valuable as possible for him and his organization? What plans could he put in place and see through that would ensure his department can continue to function successfully after he’s gone? And for his retirement years, what does he want to achieve for himself and his family? What kind of support does he need to produce this plan and make it actionable?
Interpersonal Skills – What opportunities does he have to interact with his peers and co-workers? How can he ease the interpersonal transactions in the workplace? How can he bring people together and find common purpose and direction? An understanding of the Robert’s DiSC profile or Myers-Briggs Type (MBTI) would add to his interpersonal awareness and development.
Inspirational Leadership – What steps can Robert take to create a vision for his department? What means does he use to communicate the importance of his vision and get buy-in from his manager, peers, and subordinates? How often does he share his ideas and thoughts about how work ought to get done or new initiatives that ought to be undertaken? Chances are, Robert has a great deal of insight into these arenas since he’s been with the organization for a good long while.
Coaching and Mentoring Others– As Robert prepares to create a vision and plan for how his years prior to retirement will unfold, what steps is he taking to prepare his colleagues for his departure? What development, mentoring, and training will he undertake to prepare the staff? How often does he provide constructive feedback and acknowledge and recognize the progress they are making?
Concluding Comments
The opportunity to coach an individual like Robert is a chance to help someone create a positive and lasting legacy, and plan for how they might enjoy and thrive in their retirement years. There is no certainty of the events that Robert’s organization will face after he leaves, or what he might face during retirement. What is certain is that being aware of and developing his social + emotional intelligence will help him show up and be confident in his ability to leave a lasting legacy, support the growth and development of others who will be stepping into his shoes, and in the long run, feel a sense of pride. Much better mindset than sitting back and asking, “Why should I care? What does it matter?” day after day, year after year until he retires. Research suggests he’ll even enjoy better health and is more likely to thrive in retirement as a result!