Posts Tagged ‘values’

4 Ways to Increase your Integrity

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

I tried to lie once.

It was winter in Colorado, when outdoor fun is a way of life as the snow envelopes the mountains. Funds were tight but I’d determined to take my three small children skiing. I’d collected ski gear at various thrift stores and concluded I could offer them this amazing experience on a frugal budget. Bundled up in their mix-and-match ski wear, they could hardly contain their excitement as we headed out of the city on our adventure.

I waited in line at the ticket window to purchase our lift tickets and noticed a sign that read “Children under the age of 5 ski free”.  Free–that word caught my attention like the burst of icy wind that hit our faces at 9,000 feet elevation. My older two were well over that age — but my youngest had just turned six years old a couple of weeks ago.  Immediately my brain went into scheming mode.  “I could tell them she’s five.  She just turned six, so it won’t matter. She’s small for her age anyway…I could get away with this — and save $55!”  So, when my turn came up, I asked for our three tickets and, patting my little one on the head, said “This one’s free.”  The attendant smugly looked at me and asked, “What’s her birth date?”  I flushed and panicked.  Do I add a year or take away one to her actual birth year? Subtract, yes. I quickly blurted out an answer and he grinned smugly, and said, “Yeah…that would make her seven.”

I was caught red-handed.  I paid the full price for her and walked away in embarrassment, not wanting to make eye contact with my three children looking at me with their innocent eyes wondering why mom had flat-out lied. How do you explain to kids that I was trying to get around the system? That I wanted to bend the rules for my benefit? That I wanted to pay less that others needed to pay by not telling the truth?  I avoided the situation and distracted them by heading to the ski lift lines.  Later that day, caught up in my guilt, I decided that lying about her age just wasn’t worth it.

It’s a silly story, I know, but one that made an impact on me.  It is so easy to be dishonest in the little things.  It’s not a big deal, right?  Or is it?

Integrity is the ability to maintain high standards of honesty and ethics at all times, even when no one else is watching. Those who have high integrity do what is right, even if it’s not personally rewarding.  They build trust in others through their reliability.  They are authentic.  They’re not afraid to admit their mistakes and confront unethical actions of others. They can take the ethical stance despite its unpopularity. They keep their word, give accurate reports, and treat all people with the same level of respect.

Think of the people in your life — how many of them can you say live in integrity in their personal lives? It’s a tall order to fill and not many are able to pull it off. Far too often, their own self-interests take precedence over doing what is right…especially if they think no one is watching.

The workplace is susceptible to a lack of integrity as well.  How many coworkers have you heard make it sound like they did most of the work on a project when you know you did?  Or fudge just a bit on recording work hours? Or spend a little too much time on social media during work time? How does that make you feel when you are working hard?  And we all love those who brag to a coworker about their depth of connection with the boss, when we know it’s just not true, right? Those who are dishonest in the little things can be annoying.  But are there greater consequences?

A study done in 2000 titled Human Communication Research (Kim B. Serota, Timothy R. Levine, Franklin J. Boster), showed that:

1-The average person tells 1.65 lies a day. Sounds low? It’s possible some participants lied about the extent of their lies!

2-40.1% admitted to telling a lie in the past 24 hours

3-22.7% of the lies told were committed by one percent of participants

Do these figures surprise you? If you asked yourself how many times you stretch the truth in a day, and in the last 24 hours, how would you answer?

Those who are low in integrity tend to be impulsive, thinking only of the ‘now’ vs. long-term outcomes.  Most often they haven’t taken the time to sort out what their belief systems are and what values they hold as important. Those with low integrity tend to show little independent thought and are easily influenced by others, often caving to peer pressure.

“The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a section gang, a football field, in an army, or in an office.” –Dwight D. Eisenhower

If we continually act with our own interests in mind, especially if our choices are wrong, others will not be able to trust us.  And trust is key to effective leadership.  In an article by Michael Ray Hopkin in 2012, he says:  To succeed as a manager you must live with integrity. It’s crucial for managers to build trust with the teams they work with and depend on. Trust grows through meaningful interaction with your teams and consistent application of proven principles. Developing trust and leading with integrity will increase the confidence others have in your work. When engineers, salespeople, marketers and others have confidence in their product managers, they will do amazing work. (https://leadonpurposeblog.com/2012/01/21/leadership-and-integrity/)

But living without integrity can also harm ourselves. You know how it works.  You lie, then need to cover up the lie, then need to make sure you tell the story the same way if it ever resurfaces, all the time worrying if you will be found out.  The stress and angst that comes from covering up the truth can be agonizing, and keep you up at night, eroding self-confidence and assurance.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” –Cheryl Hughes

Those who aren’t able to act with integrity need not be stereotyped as a “bad”. Integrity is a competency of emotional intelligence and is a behavior which can be learned. Consider completing an integrity inventory, to see how you’re doing (Contact us for a free inventory). If you would like to grow in integrity, consider engaging a social + emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you to help you  begin to make behavior shifts.   In the meantime, try  these developmental tips:

  • Establish a clear picture of what your values are.  Know what you stand for — what you believe, what you’d fight for, what will stand the test of time.  Jot down fifteen values that are most important to you and prioritize them. Post these somewhere where you’ll see them often.
  • Ask yourself this question: Is my behavior consistent with these values?  Going back to your list, circle the ones that you’ve lived out this week. Journal about the circumstances in which you acted according to your values- and notice the situations where you tend to shy away from your values.  Is there a pattern?
  • Consider the consequences of living in dishonesty. What effects does your lack of integrity have on your mental well-being?  on your physical well-being?  on others?
  • Envision what your life would look like if you incorporated more integrity. What specific circumstances would be affected and how?

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” –Barbara De Angelis

That thing called integrity

Article contributed by Amy Sargent

Integrity is an essential aspect of emotional intelligence. Yet, “studies have found that we are quite willing to cheat for monetary gain when we can get away with it. We also tend to lie to about 30 percent of the people we see in a given day.”

Do you maintain high standards of honesty and ethics? Are there times when you choose not to and are you aware of those triggers that ‘allow’ you to choose a ‘lower road’?

Read more in this terrific article by Christian B. Miller: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_can_we_become_better_humans?utm_source=Greater+Good+Science+Center&utm_campaign=d4dd3fb1e5-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_GG_Newsletter_May+23+2018&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ae73e326e-d4dd3fb1e5-70747947

 

Values or feelings in self-regulation?

Interesting read on the importance of values (not just feelings) when it comes to behavior change. Thoughts?

“…a focus on feelings without regard to values will more likely lead to addictions and compulsions than beneficial behavior. Consistent self-regulation requires focus on your deepest values rather than feelings.”

Read more at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201110/self-regulation

 

Integrity: Are you living out your values?

corevaluesArticle Contributed by Amy Sargent

 

On a recent first date I met a guy who claimed he loved camping. This was a good thing to hear because I really like camping too, and go every chance I get on warm, summer Colorado weekends. He went on to tell me how passionate he was about the great outdoors, how he loved sleeping in a tent, and being in nature.  “I absolutely love camping!” he proclaimed, loud enough that I actually glanced sideways to see how many other restaurant patrons heard the good news. I then asked him when was the last time he had gone camping, and he replied, wistfully, “Oh, it’s been at least 20 years…”

There wasn’t a second date.

Now you may think that the subject of camping is a shallow one to determine dating potential upon, and I agree. That’s not the point. There is a competency of social and emotional intelligence that shows up – or doesn’t – when what we believe doesn’t match up with how we live. It’s called integrity.

Most of us think of integrity as that ability to maintain high standards of ethics at all times, someone who always able to be honest and exercise good, pure motives.  And while that definitely is an aspect of integrity, it is also the ability to live out our values in our day-to-day lives.

Most of us know what we believe in. Don’t we? Try it, right now – jot down five or so things that you are passionate about. Not just interests (I’m trying to move us off the camping topic) but things you are moved by, things you would fight for, things that you would sacrifice your time and effort for. It shouldn’t take long to compile this list. (If it does, you may want to consider meeting with a coach to help you establish your core values and be able to speak to them). Once you have this list in front of you, take a moment to think on each one, and write down a moment in time when that value came into play. For example, maybe one of your values is “family” – beside that you may write, “Spent last Friday night playing board games with my kids”.  Now look at these moments – and determine, when did each most recently occur?  If you find the last time you spent time doing something you passionately believe in was months, maybe years ago, then there’s a good chance that you are not living out your life with integrity.

Don’t feel bad if that’s you.  Most of us find ourselves in places where our jobs, relationships, or extra-curricular activities don’t match up to our values.  It’s easy to end up there.  Life has its way of taking twists and turns that can lead us down a path that is far from our heart. If you’re there, know that it’s actually a good place to come to.  It’s those moments when we realize there is a miss which can spur us to make a much-needed shift in a new direction.

If you recognize that it’s time to get back to actually living out your values, there are some simple (not easy, but simple!) steps you can begin to take to get back to your heart.

  • Again, know what your values are. Refer to this list of common values so you can name them accurately:  List of values
  • Prioritize your values. Which are most important to you? Which are must-haves and which are would-like-to-haves?
  • Display your values in a visible place for a constant reminder.
  • Ask yourself (and answer honestly):  Am I living out this value in my day-to-day life? If you feel you may struggle with this self-assessment, consider reaching out to a coach or taking a 360 assessment to help you become more aware of where you’re at on this one. Sometimes an outside opinion can work wonders in aiding accurate self-awareness.
  • Make small shifts. If you wish to spend more quality time with your family, carve out an hour this week and do it. Let your core values become priority. Don’t allow anything else to come up that will keep you from doing it.

If someone looked at your appointment calendar, would the contents reflect who you are and what you believe in? Time is precious, and there are not many things more frustrating than feeling like we are wasting our time. How we spend it truly speaks to who we are.

Are you content with how you are living out your life?  If your day-to-day doesn’t match up with your heart, each moment spent saying yes to activities that are not your values is saying no to those very values. It takes courage and effort to make these shifts, but the treasure that comes from living a life of integrity can be rewarding—and may even get you that second date.

“As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.” ~Henry David Thoreau, “Economy,” Walden, 1854

What are your values?

corevalues

Article Contributed by Amy Sargent

 

Do you know what your values are? Values are your personal beliefs that you use to make choices and guide your life.  Knowing what our values are is one of the first steps to living with integrity.  Which of the values and beliefs below are most important to you?

List of Values, Beliefs or Desirable Characteristics

 

Accomplishment

 

Courage

 

Integrity

 

Responsibility

Achievement Courteousness Intellect Restrained
Advancement Creativity Involvement Risk
Adventure Dependability Imagination Salvation
Affection Discipline Joy Security
Affectionate Economic security Learning Self-control
Affiliation Education Leisure Self-reliance
Ambition Effectiveness Logic Self-respect
Artistic expression Equality Love Sincerity
Assisting others Exciting life Loving Spirituality
Authority Fairness Loyalty Stability
Autonomy Fame Mature love Status
Balance Family happiness National security Success
Beauty Family security Nature Symbolism
Belonging Forgiving Obedience Taking risks
Broad or open- Free choice Order Teamwork
mindedness Freedom Peace Tidiness
Caring Friendship Personal Tenderness
Challenge Fun Development Tolerance
Cheerfulness Generosity Pleasure Tradition
Cleanliness Genuineness Politeness Tranquility
Comfortable life Happiness Power Variety
Companionship Health Prestige Wealth
Competent Helpfulness Pride Winning
Competitiveness Honesty Quality Wisdom
Contribution Independence Rationality Others?
Conformity Influence Recognition
Contentedness Inner harmony Reliable
Control Improving society Religion
Cooperation Innovativeness Respect
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